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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25096642">Somewhere Only We Know</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/KingWinston/pseuds/KingWinston'>KingWinston</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>13 Reasons Why (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort, Coming Out, M/M, Slow Burn, winston and monty are roommates, wonty - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 05:54:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>48,592</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25096642</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/KingWinston/pseuds/KingWinston</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>DISCONTINUED </p><p>When leaving for College, Monty expected to discover new talents, new people, new interests. He never thought he'd discover his true self.</p><p>This fan fiction is not really connected to any of the events that happened in the TV show and Monty never raped Tyler in this version.</p><p>[instagram @wontywilliams]</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Montgomery de la Cruz/Alex Standall, Montgomery de la Cruz/Winston Williams</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>239</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>388</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The Great Escape</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>This story is written in Monty's POV.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter One</strong>
</p><p>Leaving for College was kind of like starting a new life. For me, that's exactly what it was.</p><p>My father had this sick idea that I was going to go full-time with him straight after high school. Didn't even want to pay me, said it would give me experience and that I'd thank him for it later. Yeah, right. </p><p>I nodded along and agreed with him for years, let him believe that I was the good obedient son he always wanted. God knows how much he beat me if I stepped out of line. I just couldn't wait to leave as soon as I could.</p><p>And then the opportunity came along. A scholarship. My father never would have paid for me to go to College, 'degrees get you nowhere' he used to say but really it was just another one of his methods of manipulation.</p><p>Coach Kerba always looked out for us, all of us. Even the ones who didn't really deserve it. Always thought Zachy, or maybe even Foley, was his favourite. But turns out it was me all along. The hardworking guy who was there for his teammates 24/7, barely had time for anything else other than the team.</p><p>I'm not sure if I would have even graduated if it wasn't for Kerba. He was the one who convinced most of my teachers to give me a final assignment, anything to boost my GPA. </p><p>And so Diego along with a few other guys paid me back for my dedication to the team and they helped me study practically every day.</p><p>And now here I was. Ohio State University. Ohio. It's funny really, I'm on the other side of the country as my father. I couldn't be further away from my old life.</p><p>I still remember the day I told him I was leaving. The bastard shattered my car, sliced the tyres, anything to stop me from going. As if I was going to take that piece of garbage truck anyway.</p><p>I remember my mother crying in the living room, she didn't want me to leave but what has that woman ever done for me to convince me not to leave her? </p><p>Estela...Oh, Estela. She <em>begged</em> me to stay, pulled on my arm, shouted at me in anger as I packed my stuff after my father said he didn't care whether I stayed or not. He told me to never come back, he never wanted to see me again. That was a few minutes before Estela made me promise to call her regularly and update her on what was going on. Could prove to be difficult with the time difference but we should figure it out.</p><p>I never knew College would be this...different.</p><p>There are people everywhere, walking all around campus and not a single one of them know my name. I could really become a whole new person and no one would know.</p><p>My RA explains the dorm rules to me as he walks me down the corridor. He doesn't ask why I only have a half-empty bag of things while everyone else is moving in with boxes and bags of their own shit. </p><p>I took as much as I could before my father practically dragged me out of the house. He was hoping I'd apologise, change my mind maybe, beg him to let me stay. But I did none of those things. I didn't need his encouragement to leave.</p><p>I know someone in the area though, I'm going to be seeing him soon and hopefully, he'll lend me some of his stuff.</p><p>"Here's the list of the rules in case you didn't catch some of them, no excuse to not be following them," the RA tells me and he stops outside one of the doors and knocks. "Coming in!"</p><p>He pushes the door open and steps inside with me following close behind. There's already someone waiting inside for us. </p><p>He doesn't even look old enough to be in high school, nevermind College. He stands there, in the middle of the room, an eager smile on his face like he's been preparing to meet me all day.</p><p>I was kind of hoping to have a football playing roommate but judging by the look of this guy, he looks like the only sport he's ever played is golf. Minigolf actually. And he probably hurt himself by swinging the club too hard.</p><p>The room is nothing special but it's bigger than I imagined. A plain room, one bed against this wall and another bed against the opposite wall. Both of them only have a mattress and nothing else. There's a nightstand next to each bed, a closet and a desk opposite each bed.</p><p>There's a door in between the two beds, presumably leading to the bathroom, but there's also a doorless entrance to what looks like a small kitchen from where I'm standing.</p><p>The RA leaves us to it and closes the door behind him. And I'm left with this guy.</p><p>"Winston. Williams," he tells me and he holds out his hand for me to shake.</p><p>I look at it and I hesitate. I really don't wanna be friends with this guy, but I'm going to be living with him so might as well...</p><p>"Montgomery," I tell him not bothering with the last name because what's the point. So I shake his hand and he's got a firmer grip than I expected for his body type.</p><p>He grins at me and then we pull our hands away from each other. God, does this guy ever stop smiling? Will he grin at me in his sleep too?</p><p>He briefly glances behind him and then he gestures towards the beds. "I wasn't sure which one you'd like so I-"</p><p>"I'll take that one," I say and I point to the one closer to the kitchen. It's in the same position as my bed back home and that should help me to get used to it.</p><p>Maybe this guy isn't so bad after all, if he was always going to try to please me then I'm sure we could get along.</p><p>I put my bag on the bed but I don't have any bedding, not yet. I should really go see Scott soon.</p><p>I unzip my bag and I can feel him watching me curiously. Yes, this is all I brought and what about it?</p><p>I don't even know what I brought with me, just kind of shoved as much of my closet as I could into one bag. At least I have clothes.</p><p>"I, uh, if you wanna get something...? There's a shopping centre not too far fro-"</p><p>"I'll be fine," I interrupt him quickly because I can already sense the change in his tone. Scholarship kid. </p><p>"Right," he says and he clears his throat.</p><p>I hear his footsteps as he makes his way over to his bed and I notice that all of his stuff was just resting on the desk opposite my bed, he probably wanted this bed. Oh well, should have chosen when he had the chance.</p><p>I watch as he pulls out an entire bedding set from one of his bags. Jesus, who is this kid? Did he pack his entire house?</p><p>I give up on trying to unpack my stuff, it's not like I have anything to unpack.</p><p>I pick up my phone and I text Scotty so he knows to expect me soon. Winston doesn't question me as I stand up leaving my bag on the bed and I walk over to the door. He <em>does </em>look like he wants to remind me of my curfew.</p><p>But I don't need reminding. I'll just go over to Scott's, talk for a while and then he'll give me some of his stuff and then I'll leave with still plenty of time left.</p><p>Easy.</p><p>***</p><p>Turns out rules are much harder to follow when you have no one watching over you.</p><p>Melanie, Scott's girlfriend, wakes me up as she's leaving for work by patting me on the arm.</p><p>"Huh?" I ask and I manage to open my eyes. I'm not sure where I am at first. But then I slowly remember that I'm sleeping on Scott's couch, in the apartment that he shares with his girlfriend.</p><p>To think that this could be me in a year's time.</p><p>Melanie is a pretty girl, short blonde hair and brown eyes. She seems like Scott's type, sweet and quiet.</p><p>"Thought you might want to come back to your dorm before your roommate wakes up," she tells me with a smile as she sits down on the armchair opposite me and she starts putting her shoes on.</p><p>Scott and Melanie both go to Ohio State University and they both have jobs. Kinda wish I was Scott's age, we could have left high school together and then I would have someone by my side while I'm going through this shit. But maybe it's better that I can get his help while he has the experience of what it was like to settle in.</p><p>"I doubt my roommate cares," I say and I stretch on the couch. Fuck, how I managed to fall asleep on something this uncomfortable I have no idea.</p><p>Melanie gives me something between a smile and a pity look before going out of the door and my eyes land on the bag that's laying close to the door.</p><p>When Scott said he had some things for me, I expected some bedding and maybe a shirt or two but no, he went all out.</p><p>I saw bedding, clothes, hygiene products and even two towels. Scott really did know what he was doing.</p><p>I slept in my clothes from last night. When Scott and I got to talking, we couldn't stop. We talked until sunrise, until Melanie came and told Scott that we might want to keep it down before the neighbours start complaining. He's really domestic now, Scotty. Never would have expected him to settle down so quickly.</p><p>I guess college really is where you truly discover yourself. </p><p>Scott is still asleep when I got dressed and ready to leave. I know that I've kept him up for quite a while last night so I'm not planning on waking him up.</p><p>I do leave him a note though, a thank you note. I briefly remember making plans to see him again last night. Who would have thought that it would have been this easy for the two of us to reconnect?</p><p>We've both changed, matured. We're way past high school and yet being with him, it feels like we're back at Liberty eating lunch with Bryce and Zach. </p><p>Not all of high school was great, there are some moments I'd rather forget, but there are also moments that I look back on as fond memories.</p><p>I have to take an uber back to the dorms, I really have no idea where anything is at the moment and so far, uber has proved to be my best friend.</p><p>The driver doesn't try to make conversation with me, it's still pretty early in the morning and I'm sure both of us would rather be anywhere but here.</p><p>I kind of expected the campus to be quiet and empty but there are already a large number of people walking around looking fully awake. </p><p>No one stares at me as I walk past with a giant bag in my hand, people don't really seem to care about other people in college.</p><p>I expect - no - I hope Winston is still asleep when I go inside and he doesn't get to judge me for wearing last night's clothes. But when I walk in, he's laying on his bed with a laptop in his lap.</p><p>He looks up from the screen and he tries to smile at me but I can tell he's not glad to see me.</p><p>It looks like he spent all of yesterday moving in. In contrast to my empty side of the room, his side looks like he's been living here for years.</p><p>He's already got his stuff set out on his desk, clothes neatly put away in the closet and he's even got some books set out on a shelf.</p><p>I would never have the motivation to do that.</p><p>"Hey," I say because it seems rude to just walk in and not say anything. I walk over to my bed and I dump the bag Scott gave me beside the one I brought yesterday.</p><p>"Hey," Winston answers shortly and he goes back to watching whatever is on his laptop screen, I don't wanna look in case he gets upset or something.</p><p>I know there's bedding in the bag that Scott gave me and if I don't make the bed now, I never will.</p><p>But when I unzip the bag and I finally find the bed linen, I have trouble putting it on the bed. Winston must think I'm a mess.</p><p>I manage to put it on but then it looks all wrong and crumbled up.</p><p>"Fuck," I mutter under my breath and I get it off the bed in one strong pull.</p><p>Okay so maybe my mother has done some things for me that I should have appreciated, but she couldn't expect me to stay with that bastard just because she made my bed sometimes.</p><p>"I... I can help?" Winston suggests but he's not waiting for a reply because when I turn around, he's already sitting on the bed with the laptop put away to the side.</p><p>Great, he thinks I can't even make my own bed.</p><p>"I, uh, I can do it. I just..." I mumble but who am I trying to convince? I'm not fooling either of us.</p><p>Winston takes the linen out of my hands and he stands by the other end of the bed. "You can slightly lift the mattress and then I'll be easier to put on."</p><p>So that's what we do. I lift the mattress and he pulls the linen over the corners and he smooths it out with his hands. He has really nice hands for a boy, not that I looked or anything.</p><p>We do the same with the other side and from there on it's easy.</p><p>I give him a nod in the form of a thank you and he goes back to his own bed.</p><p>I throw a pillow onto the headboard of the bed and then the duvet. It's too large for the bed and I have to fold it in half and then it seems to fit.</p><p>I hate how there's absolutely no privacy in the room, nothing separating my side from his side. We may as well be living together.</p><p>Fuck, we are living together.</p><p>"Do you mind if I...take a shower?" I ask awkwardly and I scratch the back of my neck. This is all very new to me, I never had to share anything like this with anyone. I'm not really sure what the rules are here.</p><p>Winston raises an eyebrow and chuckles lightly. "You don't need my permission to shower."</p><p>"Right. Yeah. Obviously."</p><p>So I take a towel of out my bag and then I head for the bathroom without a second glance at him because I've already embarrassed myself enough.</p><p>***</p><p>The first night is always the worst. Everything feels so unfamiliar, so strange and yet so exciting at the same time.</p><p>Winston's already had his first night in the dorm so it should be easier for him to fall asleep.</p><p>It <em>is</em> easier for him to fall asleep. He doesn't even need to try, five minutes and he was already sleeping.</p><p>I hoped that he would snore and I could wake him up or even better, blame <em>him</em> for not getting any sleep in the morning. But no, he makes no sound whatsoever.</p><p>I'm the one making all the noise. I'm tossing and turning and the bed squeaks and groans with every little movement.</p><p>I can't sleep facing him but I most definitely won't fall asleep if I face the wall.</p><p>So I have to look at him. I've never had to share my room but I have slept over at Bryce's or at Scott's a few times so falling asleep with another guy in the room isn't exactly new to me.</p><p>But this is different. I don't know this guy. I've barely said two words to him and now we're sleeping in the same room.</p><p>There's something about him... The way his hair falls over his eyes and how his lips purse whenever he breaths out while he sleeps. He just seems so innocent. He's obviously had life handed to him on a silver platter.</p><p>He stirs a little and he groans but he doesn't wake up. He's not someone I would usually choose to be friends with, but it wouldn't hurt to try to get to know him.</p><p>I'm sure there are worse roommates.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Not At Fault</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter Two</strong>
</p><p>I'm sure that I am the roommate from hell.</p><p>But he still doesn't say anything. How much patience can one guy have?</p><p>I'm supposed to be meeting up with some of the football players today. I met some of them yesterday and I can already tell it's going to he hard to get a place on the team. But they gave me a scholarship and that must count for something.</p><p>Honestly, if I was Winston I would have already asked for a new roommate days ago.</p><p>I can't find my shirt anywhere. I'm meant to be meeting with someone who could take my scholarship away with a snap of his fingers and I'm not even dressed yet.</p><p>I turn my bag upside down trying to look for a clean shirt. Fuck, <em>any</em> shirt at all.</p><p>I've tried my best to keep my shit on my side of the room but I can't help it if something just ends up on his side by accident.</p><p>He's in the bathroom right now, brushing his teeth I think.</p><p>Scott said that I need to stop wearing my flannel shirts if I want to survive college, I didn't really think what I wore mattered. But I'm not about to risk it and all the shirts I can find are flannel shirts.</p><p>"Have you seen any of my shirts?" I shout towards the bathroom door.</p><p>I hear the water in the sink running and then the door opens slowly. He's only wearing a towel around his hips and I can't help but stare. He seemed so skinny under his clothes but his arms are anything but skinny. I guess that explains the firm grip.</p><p>"There's one here," he says and I notice that he's holding one of my black T-shirts in his hands. </p><p>And I'm staring at him, at his skinny chest and his arms and the towel around his hips. Fuck, I look like a right perv.</p><p>"Thanks," I say and I quickly snatch the shirt out of his hand. </p><p>He noticed me staring. I know he did. But he doesn't comment on it, he nods and he goes back into the closed bathroom.</p><p>I'm telling you, he's going to move out by the end of the week.</p><p>***</p><p>I think they liked me.</p><p>I hope they did.</p><p>Most of the guys looked, acted and talked the same but only one of them stood out to me. Noah.</p><p>He was a 6'3 guy with short light brown hair and brown eyes and he seemed to have taken an interest in me. They don't give out football scholarships to just anyone.</p><p>There's supposed to be a party or something in the evening. I gave my number to Noah and he texted me the address with a 'hope to see you there' but I wasn't sure if I actually wanted to go.</p><p>I sit on my bed and I keep on reading the message over and over again trying to decide what to do.</p><p>Parties haven't really been my thing, not unless I knew people there. I don't really know how to interact with strangers.</p><p>But on the other hand, the party would be a good opportunity to make some friends and meet guys that know a thing or two about football. Unlike my roommate.</p><p>I look up at him and he's writing something on his laptop again. I think he's already been assigned some work for his classes but I don't ask.</p><p>He's been working on that laptop ever since I came back from the meeting and I don't think I've seen him take even one break.</p><p>I'm about to make up for being a shitty roommate.</p><p>"Come to this party with me."</p><p>It's not a question or a suggestion, I leave no room for arguments.</p><p>But he looks up and around the room like he thinks I'm talking to someone else. I'm looking straight at him, why does he have to make everything so awkward?</p><p>"A party?" he repeats and I nod. He doesn't look convinced and he shrugs. "I still have this-"</p><p>But I won't let myself leave him here, in this room while I go out to a party. What sort of roommate would I be?</p><p>"You can finish it tomorrow," I say not even bothering to let him finish his sentence. I stand up from my bed and I head over to the desk.</p><p>I still haven't unpacked fully, my stuff is still shared in between the two bags that are on top of the desk.</p><p>I look through the mess of clothes and towels until I find what I'm looking for. A jacket. I miss my high school varsity jacket, I wish I could have taken it with me but I completely forgot about it in the chaos of packing up my clothes.</p><p>Winston is still laying down on his bed though and he stares at me with wide eyes. Has this kid ever been invited to a party before? From the look on his face, no, he hasn't.</p><p>"We haven't got all day," I tell him and he looks embarrassed for a second and then he nods.</p><p>"Right. Okay. Sorry," he says in a rush.</p><p>I feel like this kid's never had any fun in his entire life. I'm about to change that.</p><p>***</p><p>Noah finds me the second I enter the room and he throws an arm over my shoulder. I leave Winston behind and I hope he knows how to act at a party. He steers me towards a group of guys that he says he wants me to meet. I'm not sure how much he's had to drink but it seems like a lot.</p><p>We sit on some old couches that look like they haven't been cleaned in weeks and I soon understand why. Those idiots keep spilling their drinks on the couch, putting their feet up and wiping their dirty greasy hands on them. I'm really glad none of these guys are my roommates.</p><p>"So...sholarship," one of the guy comments and I don't think he really likes me. He's been glaring at me since I came in and he rolls his eyes at every single thing I say or Noah says about me.</p><p>He seems to be the most popular player on the team, every girl and even some guys that walk past take a second to stop and stare at him. I don't blame them, he's not ugly.</p><p>I shrug.  What's there to say? I was lucky. Actually, no. I'm fucking talented, I deserve this scholarship and I'm not gonna let him sit there and talk to me like he's better than me.</p><p>But he is, he's already playing on the team and I haven't even been to our first practice, that's tomorrow.</p><p>"Thomas was a scholarship kid," Noah comments and I think he's referring to Andrew Thomas, one of the Buckeyes' best player.</p><p>Noah takes another sip of his drink and the other guy is practically throwing daggers my way.</p><p>"Are you saying this kid is the next Andrew Thomas?" he asks and I don't think that I'm the only one who's had enough of him.</p><p>One of the other guys (I think his name is Brian) groans loudly to interrupt out conversation and Noah chuckles. Brian hasn't said anything so far, he's just been sat at the side, drinking, listening to us talk and occasionally agreeing with us but not actually sharing any of his own opinions.</p><p>"Louis just shut up, you're ruining everyone's mood," Brian tells him and he reaches across the table and he puts his cup down. "Drink something, it'll help you relax."</p><p>Louis grimaces like just the thought of alcohol might make him puke. Ah, he's one of those 'professionals don't drink' kind of guys. I think I kind of respect that.</p><p>He stands up slowly and Noah rolls his eyes at me. "Let's not be dramatic now."</p><p>But Louis is already walking away from us.</p><p>"Come on, buddy. It was a joke!" Noah shouts but I doubt Louis can hear him over the music. "He's not usually like this."</p><p>I nod like I want to believe him but Brian snorts and the whole illusion is ruined.</p><p>I spend about an hour sitting with Noah and Brian, talking about football, life back at home and high school. I leave out the details I don't want them to know and I exaggerate the things that make me look good. It's not like they're going to background check me.</p><p>I ask them if they know Scott in an attempt to divert the conversation from me and they immediately grin and start talking about the whole baseball team. Baseball is kind of a big deal here too apparently, Noah tells me that the baseball team is the first athletic team formed at Ohio State. This guy really knows what he's talking about.</p><p>"You know Scott Reed?" Brian then asks me and I can tell he doesn't quite believe me but I just shrug, it's not a big deal.</p><p>"Went to the same high school. We were friends back in the day," I say as if I haven't graduated from high school just a few months ago.</p><p>"Huh," Brian says. "Small world."</p><p>There's something about his tone that I don't like but I don't question it. I don't even have time to.</p><p>Louis comes rushing in through the door and he looks around for us. He locks eyes with me and I see how worried and annoyed he looks so he jogs over to us.</p><p>I nudge Noah and I nod towards Louis who's almost standing beside Brian now, he just needs to push a few people out of the way first.</p><p>Noah frowns. "What-"</p><p>"Guys, come quick!" Louis says and he's out of breath and he points in the direction he came from. "Big Ben and Little Ben...they're beating the shit out of his little guy. I don't know-"</p><p>But he doesn't get to finish because Noah and Brian are on their feet and they're already asking Louis to take them to see what's going on.</p><p>Noah stops and looks me up and down. I'm not really sure what to do, I don't know those people and it's not like I'm part of the team yet. I don't wanna feel like I'm intruding. "You too. We could use your muscle."</p><p>I'm not sure what he means until I see Big Ben myself. When Louis said 'Big Ben' he really did mean '<em>Big</em> Ben'.</p><p>They're standing outside the house when we reach them. Big Ben is a tall guy who looks like he weighs what I weight multiplied by ten. Little Ben, on the other hand, is a tiny skinny guy with chopsticks instead of arms. They somehow manage to make each other look even weirder.</p><p>And the guy that they're picking on, the one that's standing in front of them? That's my roommate.</p><p>"For fuck's sake," I mutter under my breath and I sigh as Noah tries to push us into the inner circle of the crowd.</p><p>"What's going on?" Brian asks them because he manages to get to them first, he doesn't have to push, people moved out of the way the second they saw him.</p><p>"What the fuck is this?" the bigger guy asks and he gestures to Winston. I steal a glance at my roommate, he looks beaten up, bloody bruises on his entire face, a bleeding nose and a busted lip.</p><p>Brian's eyebrows furrow and I mirror his expression as Noah and I manage to get to the inside of the circle. What's this guy's problem with my roommate? What did he do?</p><p>"This twink just tried to hit on little Benny," the bigger guy explains and 'little Benny' looks embarrassed and he looks away. "Who even invited this guy?"</p><p>Twink? My roommate is a...</p><p>"So you beat the shit out of me? I can't be at this party because I'm gay?" Winston speaks and I've never heard him sound this confident, this sure of himself and it's actually kind of refreshing to see.</p><p>The guy panics, this is the 21st century, he could easily lose his place on the team for being publicly homophobic. "No! You just shouldn't be at this party because...because you're not invited."</p><p>"I invited him," I say quickly and Noah stares at me. Brian stares at me. Both Bens stare at me. "Is there a problem?"</p><p>I know I'm way out of my league, they have no idea who the fuck I am but here I am, telling them to stop picking on this guy that<em> I</em> invited to<em> their</em> party. I'd be furious if I was them.</p><p>"Who the fuck are you?" He looks me up and down with a grimace on his face and I swear, if he wasn't one of my teammates, I would punch him right there and then. </p><p>"Hey! You watch your tone with him," Noah tells him and he points one finger at him. "And leave this guy alone too, this isn't your party Benny."</p><p>Noah's got my back. </p><p>Winston slowly turns around and he gives me a small nod to thank me. I can't help but feel like this is somehow my fault, I'm the one who dragged him to this party.</p><p>***</p><p>Neither of us says anything on our way back to our dorm.</p><p>I walk a few paces behind him and he doesn't slow down to talk to me. I wish he would, I still have no idea what happened between him and that Benny kid.</p><p>Was he being serious? Was Winston really...a fag?</p><p>God, my father would have a heart attack if he knew I was sharing a room with a fag. I think I'll need to be more careful around him though, I can't walk around our room just wearing a towel now. But I haven't caught him staring at me, not once.</p><p>He doesn't say anything once we're inside our dorm room either.</p><p>"I'm gonna take a shower," he mumbles to me and he tries to walk away from me as I'm locking the door but I whip around and I grab his arm.</p><p>"Where the hell do you think you're going?" I ask him.</p><p>He looks defeated, shoulder slumped, bloody face and hands from wiping his nose. I actually feel sorry for him and I need to keep on reminding myself that this isn't my fault.</p><p>"I... Just look at me," he sighs and he finally lifts his head up to look at me. I study his face, the swollen bruises, the black eye, the blood... I hope they didn't do that to his body too. "I'm a mess, I need to shower."</p><p>I'm suddenly aware that my hand is still gripping onto his arm and both of us look down to where we're touching at the same time. I let my hand drop away from him quickly and I sigh.</p><p>"Shouldn't you do something about your face first?" I suggest. It would be smarter to put something cold onto the swollen bruises than to have him shower with hot water.</p><p>"I'll be fine," he says and he slips away into the bathroom before I can stop him.</p><p>***</p><p>He's not fine. </p><p>Neither of us has slept through the night. He was tossing and turning all night and I wasn't any better. I'm sure I heard him sob once or twice during the night and I was thinking about talking to him but I don't know the guy and I didn't want to intrude or anything.</p><p>He walks around the kitchen like nothing is wrong, like the bruises and cuts on his face aren't there. He's not the one who has to look at them.</p><p>"What?" he finally asks after I glance at him for the millionth time.</p><p>He really should have taken my advice and put something on them the minute we got back from that party.</p><p>"Nothin'," I say quietly because I can't really say anything. What <em>can</em> I say? Sorry for taking you to the party? Sorry they beat the shit out of you? </p><p>I just wish he'd at least tell me what happened so I'd know what to do at practice when I come across Big Ben again. He hasn't even thanked me for sticking up for him, I think he's just embarrassed about the whole thing.</p><p>Yeah, me too.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i hope you enjoyed this chapter, will be updating this story more frequently now that SWRU is slowly coming to an end :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Another Day</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter Three</strong>
</p><p>It's really awkward now.</p><p>I'm not sure why he's acting the way he is but he's ignoring me. Well, not really ignoring. He just doesn't say anything other than 'good morning', 'good night' and an occasional 'excuse me'. I think I preferred it when he was trying too hard.</p><p>Football practice isn't as bad as I thought it would be. We have a game tomorrow but I'm pretty sure I won't be playing. Either way, I'm still trying my best.</p><p>Big Ben tackled me a few times, harder than he should have. I think he's still pissed off about the thing at the party. He would have kept going if it wasn't for Noah telling him to cut it out. He still managed to bruise me a little, especially my ribs. </p><p>Winston's not in our room when I come back. His bed is neatly made, like always, he's not in the kitchen and he's not in the bathroom either. He's usually already here when I come back, sitting at his desk and typing away. I try not to worry about it too much.</p><p>I open the fridge in our kitchen to look for something cold. I thought I still had an icepack somewhere from yesterday's practice but I must have left it in the locker room or something because it's not there.</p><p>We're going to be having food at the college once the semester starts but for now, we're living on whatever we have in the fridge. Most of the food belongs to Winston but there is some of my shit in there too. It was bought with Scott's money but It's still my food.</p><p>There's a can of coke that I'm pretty sure is mine because it's on my shelf, so I take it and I shut the fridge again.</p><p>I sit down on my bed, my shirt lifted and the cold can pressed to my ribcage. The cold can feels weird on my bruised skin but I think it's helping. It's better than just leaving it like Winston did to his face.</p><p>It's healing, his face. Slowly but still, it's healing.</p><p>I leave the cold can on my skin until I get used to it, then it seems to stop helping. I still feel sweaty and dirty after practice so I decide to take a shower. </p><p>I stand in the shower, letting the hot water pour down my face, my chest, my arms and my legs. My muscles start to feel better after a while, more relaxed. I quickly scrub myself down, I'm hoping to get some more sleep before the game tomorrow.</p><p>The room is still empty when I come out of the shower. I was kind of hoping he'd be back by now. I hope he's okay.</p><p>***</p><p>I don't get to worry about where Winston is or isn't because I fall asleep almost as soon as I get into bed. </p><p>It isn't until it's much,<em> much</em> later that I wake up.</p><p>I hear a crash and I start to stir awake. When I open my eyes, the room is almost in complete darkness and Winston is stood in between the two beds.</p><p>He's bent down, picking something up from the floor and I want to fall back asleep and pretend I didn't see anything but then he turns around and he almost jumps when he sees me looking at him.</p><p>"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up," he whispers and I sigh in response. He stays standing there, the plate that he knocked off of my nightstand is still in his hand and he quickly puts it back where it was.</p><p>"'You 'kay?" I ask. My voice is quiet and raspy and I have no idea whether he heard me or not. But then he nods. He's been gone for almost the whole day and I should probably ask him where he's been but I'm so tired.</p><p>"Sorry I wasn't around," he says quietly as he starts undressing for bed. I should probably look away.</p><p>I close my eyes and I hear the sound of him taking his jeans off, the sound of his shirt landing on the floor.</p><p>It's so awkward to just listen to him getting dressed but then a moment later, I hear the bed creak and I dare to open my eyes again. </p><p>He gets under the covers and he starts to turn on his side.</p><p>"Where did you go?" I ask him casually and he stops moving. I know that we're not friends, I don't know this guy and he doesn't know me, but that doesn't mean I don't worry about him. </p><p>My cheek is pressed against the pillow and I'm looking to the side at him. He could choose to ignore me, I could go back to sleep and then we'd act like nothing happened in the morning. But he chooses not to.</p><p>"I, uh... I was with Benny," he tells me and suddenly I feel alert. I swear to God if that fucker-</p><p>"Did he hurt you?" I ask him but that's just ridiculous. Winston might be skinny, but even he could take Little Benny on if he wanted to. I've seen his arms and I've seen Benny's arms, Benny couldn't hurt Winston.</p><p>Winston turns on his side so that he's facing me and he smiles. "No, he didn't hurt me."</p><p>My eyebrows furrow and I try to understand what he's been doing. "But..."</p><p>"We're friends," Winston tells me and he presses his lips together.</p><p>Friends? This guy watched him get beaten up and he stood there and did nothing. This guy is the reason Winston got the shit beaten out of him. This guy-</p><p>Oh.</p><p>Friends.</p><p>
  <em>Freinds.</em>
</p><p>Winston sees my expression and he starts panicking. "He's not gay or anything. He-"</p><p>"It's cool," I tell him and I try not to think about the fact that he's probably coming back from getting fucked.</p><p>Okay, so I not only is my roommate gay but so is one of my teammates. But they don't look or behave like fags. Charlie was gay and I was okay with him. This could work. As long as they just keep their gay shit private. </p><p>Winston gives me an unsure smile and then he puts his head on the pillow and he closes his eyes while still facing me. </p><p>Benny. Skinny, lanky, boney Benny. That's his type.</p><p>I scoff quietly and then I turn to face the wall and I shut my eyes. </p><p>Sleep. I need to sleep.</p><p>***</p><p>I was surprised when the coach let me play. I only played for a few minutes but it was still something. It's a great start. I definitely played more than Little Benny.</p><p>I can see him now, sitting somewhere at the front of the bus with Big Ben. He's laughing at something while Big Ben points out of the window at a group of girls walking past. Freaks.</p><p>Noah is sitting next to me, hanging onto the seat in front of us and he's looking pale. He told me before that he had motion sickness and that was probably his least favourite thing about the games.</p><p>"You okay, man?" I ask him as I nudge his knee with mine.</p><p>He looks at me and he swallows. "Fine. Fine," he says quickly but he's looking sickly and pale and he looks anything but fine. "Any idea how much longer until we get back?"</p><p>I wasn't really keeping an eye on the time or anything so I just shrug. "Maybe half an hour?"</p><p>He raises an eyebrow and then he nods quickly. "Okay. Okay...erm. Okay," he says and he takes a deep breath. "Come on, distract me."</p><p>I don't think that distracting him is what I should be doing. I think I should get the coach or someone or even get him something to vomit into just in case. I suddenly understand why no one else on the team wanted to sit with him.</p><p>"I.. okay. Erm," I say and then an idea pops into my head. "Tell me about our teammates. Anything you know about them."</p><p>It's a shot in the dark but it might work. Noah doesn't seem to suspect anything and he nods. "Okay, give me a name."</p><p>"Erm." I pretend to look around the bus but I've already got my target picked out. "Benny. Little one."</p><p>Noah swallows and he licks his dry lips. "Er... okay. Benny Maldov. Half Russian or some shit, I don't know." He rubs his hands up and down his face and sighs. "Girlfriend is one year older. History major... I think? That's all I can remember for now. Another one."</p><p>I look around and pick any random fucker my eyes land on because all I can think about is that Benny has a girlfriend. I don't listen to Noah as he tells me more about one of our players.</p><p>Girlfriend. But he's fucking around with my roommate. Wonder what Winston would do if he found out. Wonder what the girlfriend would do if<em> she </em>found out.</p><p>No. She'd just break up with him and then he'd be free to fuck around with guys. But they deserve to know. He can't just go around fucking with people. He's too ugly to do that.</p><p>Winston's my roommate. I'm just looking out for him.</p><p>***</p><p>Fortunately the door's open when I come back and I don't have to look around for my keys.</p><p>I walk inside and Winston is in the kitchen trying to get some toast out of the toaster. "Hey! You want some..."</p><p>But then he takes a good look at me and his face falls.</p><p>I'm covered in sick. I'm frowning, my hair is a mess and my trousers are wet with sick. They tried to clean me up as best as possible but Noah was their priority. </p><p>Eventually, I just got mad and I cleaned myself up. Not properly but it was better than sitting in a pool of vomit.</p><p>"What happened?" Winston walks out of the kitchen and he follows me to my bed.</p><p>I start taking my trouser off because they stick to my skin and Winston automatically looks away. "What does it look like?"</p><p>I sit on the edge of my bed, my trousers pulled mid-thigh and my shoes still on. I really need to fucking shower. I reach down to start untying my shoes and Winston looks down at the ground.</p><p>"Are you okay?" he asks me. I look up and I just lock eyes with him for a couple of seconds.</p><p>"I'm fine," I tell him and I reach down to take my other shoe off. "Just need to shower."</p><p>I could tell him about Benny right now, but what would be the point? What am I gaining from it? Nothing. If he wants to date some guy then who am I to judge him.</p><p>I still feel dirty when I come out of the shower. I usually just wear boxers and a T-shirt to sleep but I only come out of the bathroom wearing my boxers and Winston takes one look at me and then quickly looks away. I thought he'd want to stare.</p><p>No, I forgot. He prefers skinny guys with no muscle.</p><p>I sit down on my bed and I try to flatten my pillow down, I don't like having my neck at an awkward angle.</p><p>"How was the game?" Winston asks me and I shrug as I lay down on my covers. He's obviously seen the bruises on my body but he decides not to ask.</p><p>"Fine," I tell him and he's still watching me. "Even played a little myself."</p><p>I stretch on the bed and he's still watching me, waiting for me to say something. At least it's not as awkward as it was a few days ago.</p><p>"That's good," he says and then he looks around the room. He'll probably want to see Benny now that he's back. That's fine with me. He doesn't ask about my personal life, I won't ask about his.</p><p>"I'd like to sleep now, if you don't mind," I say and I turn on my side so my back is facing him. I grab the duvet and I pull it over myself.</p><p>"Yeah, of course," he says and he clears his throat. "Goodnight then."</p><p>"Goodnight."</p><p>And tomorrow will be another day of awkwardness.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>sorry that this is such a short chapter</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Honest Work</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter Four</strong>
</p><p>I cannot believe I took maths as one of my classes.</p><p>In high school, maths was a tolerable subject. People said they hated it but I didn't mind it, it made sense when the numbers added up and gave you an answer.</p><p>But this isn't high school. This is harder than I thought it would be. I have to sit in my room and actually concentrate on doing my work. Normally I would just ask Estela for help, but there's no one around to help me. It's just me.</p><p>Winston went out about half an hour ago. He said something about a movie and Benny and then left me on my own. I wonder what excuse Benny used on his girlfriend.</p><p>I'm laying down on my bed, the maths book covering my face like I'm trying to absorb the information and then I hear the key in the door.</p><p>It can't be Winston, he's supposed to be at the movie theatre. I quickly sit up and I try to act like I've been studying all along in case its the RA.</p><p>But it's Winston.</p><p>I stare at him as he walks inside and he throws his keys onto his desk. The bruises on his face still haven't completely vanished so whenever I see him, he just looks so drained. </p><p>"What are you doing?" I ask him as I watch him take his shoes off. What is he doing back so early? Did he find out about the girlfriend?</p><p>He sighs and he runs his hands down his face. "Benny cancelled."</p><p>He starts to take his coat off and I raise an eyebrow. He cancelled on him? I remember how excited he was when he told me that he was going out, how nervous he looked as he tried to sort his hair out in the mirror. All that just to get cancelled on.</p><p>"Sorry to hear that," I say because I feel like I should apologise. He must be upset, but he just doesn't show it.</p><p>"It's fine," he tells me and he tries to smile at me and then he looks in the mirror he hung above his desk and he sighs. He really <em>is</em> upset.</p><p>"I could go with you," I say and he turns around and stares at me.</p><p>"What?"</p><p>Okay so I may not like the movie and I'm not even friends with Winston, but going to the movie theatre sounds much better than doing my maths homework. And it could help to put him in a good mood.</p><p>I slowly stand up from my bed and he still watches me but a small smile starts to form on his lips. "Are you... Are you sure? I mean, you don't have to if-"</p><p>"What else am I gonna do?" I ask him as I reach for my jacket that's hanging on the pegs on the door. He stares at me as I put my jacket on and I sigh. "Come on, I really don't feel like doing maths all day."</p><p>He looks convinced knowing that I'm not just doing this for him and he nods. "Okay."</p><p>If Benny can't, I can.</p><p>***</p><p>We had to take an Uber to the movie theatre and we were still late for the movie. Winston didn't seem to mind. </p><p>The movie theatre is almost empty, there's a couple sitting right at the back and a group of teenage boys in the front. We sit in the middle.</p><p>We've only been here for about fifteen minutes but I can already tell that I'm not a fan of this movie. Some guy trying to clone himself so he can lead a double life without anyone finding out. Not something I'm interested in.</p><p>"Do you want me to get you something?" I ask Winston as I start to stand up to get some popcorn or something for us. Anything not to have to watch this movie.</p><p>"Wait, don't leave me," Winston says and he grabs my arms like he's worried I'll leave. Don't worry, I'm not Benny.</p><p>"I'll be back in a few minutes," I tell him and he doesn't look happy about it but he let's go of my arm. I'm not going to run away and just leave him there.</p><p>Movie theatre food is really expensive. But Winston bought the tickets so I might as well pay for the food.</p><p>I come back about ten minutes later with a large popcorn and a bottle of coke. I would have been back sooner but I tried to stall for as long as possible.</p><p>Winston seems really invested in the movie when I come back. The teenage boys from the front are no longer here and the couple at the back is making out. Great.</p><p>He glances at me when I sit back down and he mutters a 'thanks' when I place the popcorn between us.</p><p>I'm finding it really hard to believe that he's actually enjoying this film but he is. I look at him from the corner of my eye and he looks so...</p><p>He's concentrating really hard on the film. He's got popcorn in one hand and he picks it up piece by piece with his other hand and he puts them into his mouth. He has a really nice nose.</p><p>I don't understand how someone who looks like him is dating someone who looks like Benny. Are there no other gay guys around?</p><p>I eventually look back at the screen because I don't want to creep him out if he catches me looking. I wouldn't want him to get the wrong idea.</p><p>He eats most of our popcorn even though I do try some to pass the time. I hope this movie ends soon.</p><p>I notice Winston staring at me then and I tear my eyes away from the screen. Things were just starting to get interesting.</p><p>"Could I, uh, could I have a drink?" He's looking at the bottle of coke that I'm holding in my hands, it's more than half full and I've already drunk from it. But he doesn't seem to care.</p><p>"Uh... Sure," I say uncertainly and I hold the bottle out to him.</p><p>He takes it from my hand, unscrews the cap and then he tilts his head back as he drinks. His Adam's apple bobs up and down and I can't help but stare at it.</p><p>He manages to down about a quarter of the bottle and then he takes it away from his lips and he screws the cap back on top.</p><p>"Thanks," he says and he hands the bottle back to me. The bottle that he just drank from. The bottle that I was drinking from before.</p><p>I don't feel okay. It's getting hard to concentrate on the film. But I take the bottle from him and I act like nothing's wrong.</p><p>***</p><p>We walk home.</p><p>We could get an uber but I could use some fresh air and the walk isn't that bad.</p><p>We stopped by a McDonald's almost as soon as we got out of the movie theatre. Winston was hungry and so was I so we bought some fries and Winston got a milkshake and we went on our way.</p><p>He tried explaining the film to me and why it was so interesting but I just didn't understand it. He gave up after two minutes and I was glad I didn't have to discuss the film. I didn't take much of it in anyway.</p><p>"Any siblings?" I ask. Our conversation slowly shifted from the film to our own lives. We're roommates but we don't really know each other. This is a good opportunity to start.</p><p>He shakes his head as he swallows the fries that are in his mouth. "Only child. You?"</p><p>"A sister," I say casually and I put more fries into my mouth before he can even think about asking.</p><p>Estela... We've texted and everything seems to be okay. Well, as okay as it can be. But it still feels weird not seeing her every day.</p><p>"Anyone waiting for you back home?" Winston then asks realising that it's best to switch the subject. "Girlfriend? ...Bo-"</p><p>"No one," I say quickly.</p><p>Was he about to say boyfriend? God, just because he's gay everyone else has to be as well?</p><p>"No girlfriend?" he asks again for clarification and I scoff.</p><p>"No girlfriend," I repeat and he nods slowly.</p><p>Never had a girlfriend in high school. I was always busy with the team, practice, Bryce and shit at home. I didn't have time for girls or relationships.</p><p>I've hooked up with plenty of girls at parties though. Always tried to suck me off or fuck me but my dick never seemed to work. I blame it on the amount of weed I've smoked.</p><p>I don't know what to ask Winston next, he obviously doesn't have a boyfriend back at home and I sure as hell don't want to ask him about Benny.</p><p>We walk in silence for a while until I finish my fries and I throw the packaging into the nearest trash can.</p><p>"Want a sip of my drink?" Winston asks me and he holds out his milkshake. He holds it up like he just wants me to drink out of his hand but that would be weird.</p><p>I shake my head. "I'm good, thanks."</p><p>He shrugs in a 'suit yourself' kind of way and we keep walking through the almost empty streets. Tuesday night and we're here, walking through the dark streets like we don't have a care in the world.</p><p>"I never thanked you," Winston then says and I look up at him. "For standing up for me at that party. So... Thanks."</p><p>Oh. I just thought he's forgotten about that.</p><p>I shrug. "It's whatever."</p><p>Half the team is homophobic and either thinks I'm a fag or a fag sympathiser but I don't care. I wasn't just going to let them pick on my roommate like that.</p><p>Noah's got my back too, I can count on him if any of the guys ever say anything.</p><p>Winston then smiles to himself and turns his head to look at me. "You know when I first saw you... I never thought you'd be like this."</p><p>I frown. "Like what?"</p><p>What did he think about me the first time he saw me?</p><p>He shrugs. "Like... Nice. I don't know... I just... I always had this stereotype about football players. Especially ones that look like you."</p><p>Ones that look like me? Benny doesn't look like me, obviously, the stereotype doesn't apply to him.</p><p>I can't blame Winston though. I was mean in high school. Really fucking mean. I did things for people that they never would have done for me. I went to extreme lengths to protect my friends and the team. And I never got as much as a 'thank you'. </p><p>Now all I have to worry about is myself, I don't have to protect anyone. So unless I am attacked directly, I won't be getting into any fights.</p><p>"What about you?" Winston then asks me after I don't say anything. "What did you think fo me?"</p><p>He looks intrigued and he grins at me. I shrug. What did I think of him? Didn't really think much of him. Didn't really pay much attention to him either. Not until we went to that party and he stood up for himself after Big Ben beat the shit out of him. That was the moment I started paying proper attention to him.</p><p>"I thought you were..." I say and then I sigh. "Skinny. Really skinny."</p><p>It's not what he was hoping for but he doesn't say that. He just laughs and nods to himself.</p><p>"Skinny. Of course."</p><p>Yeah. What else was I meant to tell him?</p><p>***</p><p>Scotty got me a job.</p><p>It's not ideal, but it's better than having to depend on him and my scholarship. All I gotta do is take orders and clean tables. Can't be that hard.</p><p>"And be nice to people," Scott feels the need to tell me. I know it wasn't easy for him to get me this job, but he knows a lot of people. He's quite popular around here and turns out it pays off to be friends with the guys on the baseball team.</p><p>Winston seemed happy when I told him I got a job, I wouldn't be around much now. I only work Sundays, Wednesday and Thursdays but it's better than nothing.</p><p>It's Thursday, my second day at work. Most of my coworkers are also college students, only one of the cooks is much older than us. I think he's in his thirties.</p><p>I can't work the till yet, but Hayley, one of my coworkers, tells me that I'll get the hang of it soon.</p><p>I'm wiping down a table when the door opens again and I take no notice of it at first, I just need to focus on my job. But then I hear his voice.</p><p>My roommate is here. With Benny.</p><p>Only a few days ago Benny cancelled on him and now they're okay again? Winston really needs to stop letting Benny walk all over him.</p><p>They're not holding hands or anything, they're not even touching each other but the way they look at each other... No wonder he gets the fuck beaten out of him, he needs to tone it down a little in public.</p><p>I would say something but it's not my place. And I really need this job.</p><p>They don't see me when they walk in, they just walk to the till so I guess they won't be eating in. That's good, I won't have to embarrass myself in front of them.</p><p>The table is already clean and dry but I keep on wiping. As soon as I finish, I'm supposed to move back to the kitchen and that would mean having to walk past Benny and Winston.</p><p>I'll just continue wiping until they leave. But nothing ever goes my way.</p><p>"Monty, when you finish, clean table five," Hayley shouts over to me from the till and I have to look back and give her a nod.</p><p>Benny heard my name and he's looking in the distance now, probably trying to hide his face. But Winston is staring directly at me and he grins at me and gives me a small wave.</p><p>I'd wave back but I'm working and I'm busy, I don't have time for him right now. So I just nod and then I go back to wiping the table before I get the chance to lose my job.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you for all your comments and support :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Exhibitions</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter Five</strong>
</p><p>Winston and I, we have some sort of silent arrangement. I do my homework when he's not around and he does his when I'm not around. It seems to work for both of us.</p><p>But today neither of us is going out and we have to do our homework together. Not together, we sit in silence on our beds and I focus on my own work while he stares at his laptop screen.</p><p>I don't dare to look up at him, wouldn't want to creep him out.</p><p>But I can't really concentrate with him in the room. It's not him, it's just the fact that he's here. I normally do my homework while laying on the floor or in a number of other uncomfortable positions. I can't do that while he's around.</p><p>I spend about fifteen minutes just staring at the blank page in front of me when there's a knock at the door. Winston looks at me and I look at him. Neither of us is expecting visitors.</p><p>"I'll get it," I say and I get off my bed. I have a feeling he's still looking at me as I walk to the door. Maybe he's hoping that it's Benny.</p><p>But it's not Benny. It's another one of my teammates.</p><p>"Hey... Can I come in?" Noah asks as he stands outside our room. </p><p>He's already apologised for vomiting on me about a billion times but things are still kinda awkward between us. It happens, we should just forget about it.</p><p>I open the door further and Winston is staring at us as walk further into the room.</p><p>"Hey," Winston says uncertainly and Noah gives him a nod in return. Winston looks at me and then he looks back at his laptop screen.</p><p>Noah looks around our room, Winston's side that's neat and organised and my side that looks like a cheap motel room. </p><p>"What are you doing here?" I ask him before he can start with the small talk.</p><p>He sits down on my bed and I stand over him. Winston is staring at his laptop screen but I don't know whether he's just pretending to be busy or if he's actually focused on his work.</p><p>"Are you busy right now?" Noah askes me with a raised eyebrow and I'm not really sure what to answer.</p><p>"Kinda, yeah," I say and I point to the pile of homework he's sat beside.</p><p>"Oh," he says and he moves a little to the side so he's not sat on them. "What about in an hour? Will you be busy then?"</p><p>What the fuck is this guy on about? He starts to fidget with my duvet and he sighs.</p><p>"My girlfriend is making me go to this thing," he explains once I stare at him for long enough. "She's bringing her brother along and he really <em>really</em> hates me. I thought you could come with me? You know, make things less awkward."</p><p>On one hand, I'd get out of having to do homework. I'm not even doing it anyway, not with Winston around. But on the other hand, why on earth would I go with Noah and his girlfriend? I was just hoping to go to bed early.</p><p>I sigh and I run my hand through my hair. "I don't know man..."</p><p>But Noah's looking at me with hopeful eyes, he's been standing up for me ever since we met. It would be nice to return the favour for once.</p><p>"Just this once?" Noah says and he looks at Winston. "Please? Come on, help me convince him, man."</p><p>I turn around to look at Winston and he shrugs awkwardly unsure of what to do. "Go if you want."</p><p>If I want. I don't know what I want. I have no idea what I want. I'd love it if someone told me what to do.</p><p>"I'll owe you one," Noah says and he doesn't have to know that I already made my mind up.</p><p>"Fine," I say and I sigh. "I'll go with you."</p><p>***</p><p>Noah and I are supposed to be meeting Noah's girlfriend and her brother at a bus stop close to campus.</p><p>We're going to an art exhibition. Not those expensive ones, but the ones where college students try to get money for their shitty art to pay off their debt.</p><p>Noah is really nervous. Apparently Cassie's brother really doesn't trust him and it would be awkward if it was just the three of them. Hence why I'm here.</p><p>Cassie smiles at me and hugs Noah when we finally meet by the bus stop. The guy standing next to her (presumably her brother) has his arms crossed over his chest and he's too busy glaring at Noah to even notice me.</p><p>But then Noah introduces me and the guy's eyes shift to me and he moves some of his hair behind his ear.</p><p>"Monty," I say and I hold my hand out for him to shake. He has a similar nose to Winston's, that's the first thing I noticed about him.</p><p>He's not sure whether he should hate me or give me a chance and he reluctantly shakes my hand. "Alex. Standall."</p><p>I nod and we awkwardly pull apart. Noah's watching us nervously, he's hoping I won't fuck it up for him.</p><p>The wait for the bus is awkward. Noah and Cassie are talking about something and Alex and I are sitting on either side of the bench. I start to consider texting Winston so I at least seem busy to him.</p><p>"Are you on the team with Noah?" Alex asks me but it's a pointless question, he should already know the answer.</p><p>I nod anyway. Maybe I should say something about Noah, sell him to Alex.</p><p>"He's a great guy," I say but all Alex does is scoff and turn away. He's already made up his mind about Noah.</p><p>It stays like this for the rest of the night. Cassie and Noah go around hand in hand looking at paintings, Alex and I walk a few steps behind them and we've given up on trying to make small talk.</p><p>I stand in front of this painting of a man trying to paint but his canvas is empty. The room, the man, the paintbrushes: everything is colourful and filled. The only thing that's empty is the canvas.</p><p>I bet there's some kind of metaphor behind the painting. Winston would know, all he does is go on about art and hidden messages in art. Sometimes I listen sometimes I pretend I do.</p><p>I look at the clock on the wall, it's close to eight in the afternoon. I need to be back before nine if I don't want to get in trouble with my RA, we still have plenty of time.</p><p>I wonder if he's still doing homework or if he went to bed early. Maybe he invited Benny over.</p><p>I know he's done it once or twice before, I come back from work and find something that belongs to neither Winston or me. He always tries to play it cool but he's not the best at lying.</p><p>Benny saw me in practice the day after I saw him at the cafe. He had this look on his face but neither of us said anything and so he just ignored me for the whole day. He stays out of my way now.</p><p>"Can I ask you something?" I'm suddenly aware of Alex standing by my side and he sighs as he stares at the painting in front of us.</p><p>It's not like I can say 'no'.</p><p>"Sure," I say and we both turn our heads to look at one another.</p><p>"What do you think of Noah? Honestly," Alex says and I rub the back of my neck awkwardly. This is my time to help Noah.</p><p>I shrug. "I don't really know him for long. But he seems great, really... nice and... helpful?" I don't think I'm good at this. "He always stands up for me when the team throws some homophobic bullshit my way."</p><p>Alex stares at me and I'm trying to work out what I said wrong.</p><p>"You're gay?" he asks me and my eyes widen.</p><p>Fuck. This is not wanted I wanted to do.</p><p>"No, no," I say quickly. "I just... stood up for this gay guy once. Kinda made a name for myself, you know?"</p><p>Alex nods slowly but he's still giving me this weird look as if not completely believing me.</p><p>"I'm not a fucking fag," I tell him. I don't want any more rumours getting spread about me.</p><p>Alex blushes a bit and looks away. "Yeah. Sorry. Of course."</p><p>Me? Gay? Has he seen me? How could <em>I</em> be gay?</p><p>***</p><p>Alex seems to be less sceptical of Noah by the time we leave.</p><p>We spent more time than we should have at the exhibition and we have to catch another bus, the one we were planning to take is long gone.</p><p>Our bus stop seems to be taken too. There's a group of young guys hanging around there, shouting, drinking and swearing. I used to be one of those in high school.</p><p>Noah grips onto Cassie's hand as we're walking past. "We'll go to another bus stop," he says quietly and I don't understand why he's so scared of some guys until one of them spots us.</p><p>"Look who it is," one of them says and the other two laugh. I still have no idea what's going on.</p><p>Noah starts to walk faster and Alex gives me a worried glance, he seems to know more than me though.</p><p>"We're talking to you Noah, buddy," the guys carries on and I make the mistake of looking back at them. Knowing that someone's giving them attention seems to give them a confidence boost.</p><p>"You gonna pretend you can't hear us? Disgusting faggot," the one says and he spits on the ground.</p><p>What the hell is going on? Noah's literally here with his girl, why are they calling him a fag?</p><p>We're walking further and further away from them, Alex is all tense, Noah's jaw is clenched and Cassie is looking down at her feet. I think it's better not to ask.</p><p>I think we're gonna get away from them, we keep walking and even though they keep shouting stuff, Noah remains calm. Up until...</p><p>"Dating a fucking guy and pretending it's a woman, makes me fucking sick!" </p><p>And that's the last straw for Noah. He spins around almost automatically and almost bumps into me. Cassie tries to pull him back but he's already walking back towards the bus stop.</p><p>I look at Cassie, I look at Alex, I look at Noah walking away. No one tells me anything. I wish I knew what the fuck was going on.</p><p>I promised myself I wouldn't get into fights, not unless I was directly attacked. But...</p><p>Noah's the one that takes the first swing. After a lot of arguing and screaming, he's the ones that starts the physical fight. Alex isn't gonna jump in to defend Noah, I mean have you seen his twiggy arms? And I sure as hell am not going to let Cassie go in and try to pull Noah out.</p><p>They're both staring at me. There are three guys fighting one Noah. I should move. I <em>need</em> to move.</p><p>"Hey! Leave him the fuck alone!"</p><p>Noah might be big but I have more muscle. He shouldn't go around starting fights he can't win. I'll help him just this once.</p><p>One of the guys is just sitting on the bench, laughing and drinking while Noah lies on the floor. One of the guys has him pinned down and the other one is punching him. He looks pathetic.</p><p>"Who the fuck are you?" The guy on the bench glares at me and he slowly stands up.</p><p>I swing at him. I can't remember the rest.</p><p>***</p><p>Melanie is the one that let me in. Scott was sleeping and she didn't want to wake him up because he was exhausted. </p><p>So I sat in the living room, I let Melanie treat my bruises and cuts and everything else and she didn't ask me a single question. I wouldn't have answered anyway.</p><p>But it's moring now. And Melanie is at work and this time I have to deal with Scott.</p><p>I manage to open my eyes and he's sat on the armchair glaring at me.</p><p>"Good morning," I groan as I stretch on the couch. He doesn't say it back.</p><p>"What the hell were you thinking?" he asks me and he raises his eyebrows as he waits for an answer.</p><p>I roll my eyes as he stares at the bruises on my face. "It was for a good cause."</p><p>He doesn't laugh or smile, his lips stay stretched in a thin line and I swallow hard.</p><p>I remember bits and pieces of last night. Me fighting two guys so Noah wouldn't have to, two women coming by to tell us they were calling the cops and then all of us running in different directions.</p><p>We tried to cool down after but we were both bursting with adrenaline. Cassie was worried about Noah and Alex was hanging onto my arm and asking me if I'm okay. </p><p>I found out that Cassie is transgender whatever that means. But Noah's okay with it so I guess I am too?</p><p>I got beat up pretty bad. I mean come on, literally had to fight off two guys while Noah was struggling with just one of them.</p><p>It was pretty late by the time we got back to campus so I just went straight to Scott's house, I knew he'd know what to do.</p><p>"This isn't fucking high school," Scott tells me like I don't already know. "You don't just get a detention for beating someone, Monty. The fucking cops could get involved. You could lose your scholarship."</p><p>I'm in no mood to be joking by the time he's finished. I didn't really think about it like that. If I lose this scholarship... I have nothing left.</p><p>"You promised, no more fights," Scott reminds me and I hang my head in shame. I'm being told off.</p><p>I don't see the point in telling him how the fight started, he doesn't care anyway. He's just mad at me for getting involved.</p><p>"I'm sorry," I say finally after he's done lecturing me.</p><p>I know that Scott is right. He's already gone through his freshman year, he knows that fights aren't worth it. He was never one for fights anyway</p><p>He sits there for a minute and then he sighs and stands up. "So are you staying for breakfast or what?"</p><p>I sent Winston a text last night, he knew I wasn't coming back. He wouldn't expect me back this early either. Breakfast wouldn't hurt anyone.</p><p>***</p><p>It's not just Winston waiting for me when I get back to my dorm room.</p><p>"Alex? What are you doing here?" I ask as I walk inside.</p><p>Now, I never would have expected to see this. Winston is sat on his bed, Alex is sat on mine and they looked like they were having a conversation before I walked in.</p><p>I only have one visible bruise on my face, a small brownish one just below my right eye. They stare at it. Alex has seen it last night, he was worried out of his mind and he seems to be just as worried now.</p><p>I'm surprised that Winston isn't bombarding me with questions. He just sits and stares.</p><p>Then Alex clears his throat. "I wanted to see how you were doing after last night. Noah told me where you were staying."</p><p>Ah, Noah. Of course. The creator of all my recent problems.</p><p>I realise that they're waiting for an answer as I start to take my jacket off.</p><p>"I'm all good," I say casually and neither of them looks convinced.</p><p>I don't care. The other guys looked worse than me and I'm feeling okay.</p><p>Alex slowly stands up from my bed as I make my way towards him. He looks better than yesterday, less worried and less judgemental.</p><p>"Well, it's good to see you again," he says and he awkwardly lets his arms swing by his sides. I'm not sure if I'm meant to say something but then he speaks again. "I'd love to meet up sometime. For a coffee or something? You know, to talk."</p><p>Not this Noah bullshit again. But I already got into a fight for him, getting coffee to make sure his relationship with Cassie stays intact doesn't sound like such a big deal.</p><p>Winston stares at me but I barely notice him.</p><p>"Sure," I say and Alex seems pleased with the answer.</p><p>Only when Alex is gone out of the room, Winston tries to talk to me.</p><p>"Do you wanna talk about what happened?" he says and he points to his face in the same place that I have a bruise on mine.</p><p>"Not really, no," I say as I collapse on the bed. I might have slept on Scott's but God, that fucking couch is uncomfortable as hell.</p><p>I stretch on the bed and my eyes catch something that's under Winston's desk. It looks like it fell of the chair and into the floor. A varsity jacket.</p><p>I know who it belongs to straight away, I've seen Benny wearing it plenty of time before.</p><p>I can't help but wonder if Benny was here while I was getting the shit beaten out of me or if he's had the jacket before and I just failed to notice.</p><p>"He's gay, you know," Winston then says into the uncomfortable silence. I tear my eyes away from the jacket and I turn my head to stare at him. "Alex," he explains.</p><p>My eyebrows furrow. Yeah, I kind of guessed that Alex was gay. Have you seen the kid? Of course, he's gay. But why does Winston feel the need to tell me?</p><p>"So?" I ask.</p><p>This is fucking college, no one cares if you're gay or trans or a mess. And if they do, it's because they have no life of their own.</p><p>Winston looks confused for a second and he licks his lips. "I... I think he was asking you on a date?"</p><p>I scoff. Yeah, he'd think that. Does Benny ask him on dates like that?</p><p>"Or maybe he just wants to hang out," I say when I turn on my side to face the wall. "Not everything has to have a gay subtext."</p><p>I'm not sure if he's heard the last part but then after a moment the bed creaks and the door opens and closes.</p><p>He leaves.</p><p>Probably to go see Benny.</p><p>***</p><p>He acts like nothing is wrong once he comes back, we go back to our routine of ignoring each other until we need something.</p><p>But then neither of us can sleep. I toss and he turns and neither of us says anything. I wonder if something happened with Benny that's keeping him awake.</p><p>"Look," Winston then says into the silence and I slowly turn my body to face him. "I know we don't know each other that well. But I still worry about you."</p><p>I scoff but I doubt he heard it. Unlike him, I can cope with a few cuts and bruises. I've dealt with worse thanks to my amazing dad. He doesn't need to worry.</p><p>"I'm fine," I say and I bury my face into my pillow so he gets the hint that I'm trying to sleep now.</p><p>He doesn't get the hint. "Alex told me what happened while we waited for you," he tells me and I mentally slap myself for not figuring this out. Of course, Alex told him. "I think it was nice of you to step in, but-"</p><p>"But what?" I sigh. I've already gotten this lecture from Scott, I don't need it from him too. "But I should stay out of fights?"</p><p>He looks me in the eye for a couple of seconds and then he sighs. "I just worry about you, okay? What if one day you walk out of that door and you don't come back? You think you can take some guy on and then you can't. And you end up in the hospital or some shit. Ever think about that?"</p><p>I can't imagine landing in the hospital after a fight. A prison cell? Yes. But not a hospital.</p><p>"I'll be fine," I reassure him and then I turn on my side to face the wall. </p><p>So he worries about me. He doesn't want me to get hurt. Does that make us friends?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Acting Every Week</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter Six</strong>
</p>
<p>I think we are friends.</p>
<p>I usually sit alone in the cafeteria. No alone but not with friends either. Sometimes Noah comes to sit with me for a few minutes but then he goes over to join Cassie and I'm left alone again. I've gotten used to it so when someone sits down opposite me, I'm more than surprised.</p>
<p>"So I was thinking," Winston says as he puts his packaged sandwich on the table. "Benny's usually busy on Fridays. And you and I, we're usually free."</p>
<p>I stare at him. He doesn't explain anything, he just sits down and starts talking to me about Benny for some reason</p>
<p>"So I was thinking," he says again and he looks me in the eye. "Maybe we should go out every Friday? Like to see a film or maybe something else? Whatever you like. And only if you're free."</p>
<p>I understand where he's coming from. Friday evenings are awkward, to say the least. We hang out in the dorm room trying to do some homework and pretending that we're busy when really all we wanna do is just have the room to ourselves. </p>
<p>Winston starts chewing on his lip as he waits for an answer and I sigh.</p>
<p>"Do I get to pick the movie though?" I ask and he grins. We both know I wasn't a fan of the movie he picked last time.</p>
<p>"Only if I get to pick the one after that," Winston says and I can't help but smile. So yeah, I think we might be friends. Or at least we will be.</p>
<p>"Deal," I say and I'm about to go back to chewing my food but then Winston holds his hand out across the table and I stop to shake it.</p>
<p>"Deal," he repeats after me and we stay shaking our hands for a moment too long. His skin feels warm and smooth against mine but his grip is firm and I seem to forget that I'm holding his hand in mine.</p>
<p>I quickly pull away like I've been burnt and Winston does the same and he looks down at his food. </p>
<p>That isn't the end of the surprises. </p>
<p>"Monty, hey!"</p>
<p>Winston and I look up at the same time to see a smiling Alex looking down at us. </p>
<p>"Can I sit?" he asks and I shrug.</p>
<p>"We're kind of in the middle of a conversation," Winston says even though we're not. Maybe it's better that Alex is here, it makes things a bit less awkward.</p>
<p>Alex chooses to ignore him and he sits down next to me. Noah's gonna owe me about ten favours by the time all of this bullshit is over.</p>
<p>"We're still on for that coffee?" Alex asks as he tears over a sugar packet and dumbs its content into the cup he's put down on the table.</p>
<p>I was hoping he'd forget about it. Having a coffee with another gay guy? Yeah, should do wonders for my reputation. But who cares. I've got Noah on my side.</p>
<p>"Right," I say and I clear my throat.</p>
<p>"Friday?" Alex asks and he stares at me as he licks his spoon clean. I start to wonder if maybe Winston was right and this guy was asking me on a date.</p>
<p>"He's busy on Friday," Winston interrupts before I can answer. "We're kind of seeing a movie. Together."</p>
<p>Can Winston see something in this guy that I can't? Why is he being so protective? </p>
<p>Alex raises an eyebrow and then turns to me. "A movie? Great, I love movies."</p>
<p>So Alex is either really stupid or kind of pushy. Or maybe he really does have a crush on me. </p>
<p>"I didn't mean-"</p>
<p>"Sure," I cut Winston off before he can ruin it. Noah better be ready to owe me an infinite amount of favours. "You should pick the movie."</p>
<p>Alex looks pleased and Winston is frowning. Did I do something wrong? It's just a movie, no big deal.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Turns out the movie is kind of a big deal to Winston.</p>
<p>I come back to our room from a game and he's still awake, staring at a blank laptop screen.</p>
<p>"Writer's block?" I ask as I throw my jacket onto the bed and I start to take my shirt off. At first, I was a bit weary to get undressed around him. But he's with Benny and we're just friends. He doesn't care if I get undressed around him.</p>
<p>"Why did you invite Alex?" he asks after a moment of silence. Alex has texted me a few times since, I know that he's picked a movie for us and we're supposed to meet him at the movie theatre tomorrow.</p>
<p>I shrug and I throw a clean shirt on. This time Noah managed to keep his vomit to himself but I still feel sweaty after sitting in that bus for so long.</p>
<p>"Kinda promised Noah I'd get Alex off his back, remember?" I say and Winston rolls his eyes. He was here when Noah came over and explained the whole thing to me.</p>
<p>"I don't think Noah's the one he's interested in anymore," Winston says and he stares at me. </p>
<p>I scoff. This again? Really?</p>
<p>I just shake my head and decide to ignore him but Winston doesn't get it.</p>
<p>"I think he might like you and-"</p>
<p>"So what if he does?" I ask him and I turn my body to face him. "So what if he fucking does?"</p>
<p>He's not... Jealous, is he? No, that would be weird. What's there to be jealous of? Nothing. Winston seems to think so too.</p>
<p>"I'm just looking out for you," he tries to explain and I nod slowly. Looking out for me? By warning me about other gay guys? Wow, such a good friend he is. Wouldn't want to be seen with a gay guy, would I? Because football players like me are all just so fucking homophobic.</p>
<p>I don't say any of it of course. I say it in my head. Over and over again until I've calmed down. I don't respond so Winston closes his laptop lid and then slowly gets off his bed as I start to unzip my jeans to get ready for bed.</p>
<p>"I'm gonna go see Benny," he tells me and I scoff. Benny. Benny the perfect boyfriend.</p>
<p>"Yeah?" I say and he stops in place and turns his head to look at me just as I roll my jeans down my legs. "Make sure his girlfriend isn't around first though."</p>
<p>I just wanted to make a spiteful joke, you know? Remind him that Benny might be the perfect boyfriend but he still has to sneak around and pretend for him. I really did think he fucking knew about the girlfriend.</p>
<p>I don't think he did.</p>
<p>He stares at me with wide eyes and swallows hard. "What?"</p>
<p>His voice is barely audible and I freeze in place. His face falls and he stares at me waiting for an answer. Well, now I really fucked up.</p>
<p>"I... I thought you knew," I say trying to take as much of the blame off of me and direct it at Benny. It's Benny he should be mad at.</p>
<p>I've known for a few weeks now. Winston has been with him all this time and he's had no idea.</p>
<p>"Girlfriend?" he asks again and he looks away as if not quite being able to believe it. "Are you sure? I mean..."</p>
<p>I nod and both of us are unable to speak for a minute or two. </p>
<p>"I... I need to talk to Benny," Winston then says and he turns on his heel and walks out of the room before I can stop him.</p>
<p>Well. Benny's fucked.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>I stayed up almost all night waiting for Winston to show up. I imagined him walking in, red eyes fresh from crying and he'd tell me what happened and I'd comfort him in the dark and then maybe...</p>
<p>But he doesn't come back.</p>
<p>I wake up just after seven and the room is still empty. I remember what he said that one night that I came back from the fight. He worried about me not coming home one day but now he's the one that's missing. Should I worry?</p>
<p>I check my phone for texts. Nothing. Maybe I <em>should</em> start worrying.</p>
<p>I make myself a sandwich instead. Winston made me a sandwich this one time,  he made one for himself too and we ate them in silence while we focused on college work. That sandwich was amazing though.</p>
<p>I try to recreate what the sandwich was like but I don't even know what ingredients he used and I'm just useless at cooking. Winston needs to come back here and teach me how to cook.</p>
<p>No, he needs to fucking come back full stop. I look at my phone again. No text still.</p>
<p>What is he playing at? He better have lost his phone or something because I think I deserve at least a text.</p>
<p>I'm about to text him myself when I hear a knock at the door.</p>
<p>"Monty? You in there? I forgot my keys last night."</p>
<p>Just his keys? He also forgot to text me to let me know that he was alive.</p>
<p>He's grinning when I open the door. So he also must have forgotten that Benny has a girlfriend. Or they worked their shit out.</p>
<p>He doesn't seem to notice that I've been up all night waiting for him to come home and he just walks past me and towards his bed.</p>
<p>"How did it go?" I ask him as I shut the door again.</p>
<p>But I think I know how it went. He's smiling and glowing all over, he hasn't been home all night and the shirt he's wearing? That's not his.</p>
<p>Why does he always give Benny so many second chances what is up with this guy? Why does he just let himself get treated like shit?</p>
<p>Winston sighs and then leans back to lay on the bed. "Great."</p>
<p>Great? He found out the guy who was his 'boyfriend' also had a girlfriend and when he went to confront him about it it went great?</p>
<p>Winston looks at me and sees my confused expression. "We talked it through," he explains.</p>
<p>What was there to talk about? The guy's been lying to him since day one and he forgets all about it after one fuck?</p>
<p>"Oh," is all I manage to say because who am I to be giving out relationship advice? We both know that I've never been in a relationship.</p>
<p>"I, erm, I'm kinda tired?" Winston tells me. Yeah, he must be after getting fucked all night. He pulls the duvet over himself and then looks at me. "Wake me up when we have to get ready to see Alex?"</p>
<p>I nod.</p>
<p>Alex. Movie theatre. That's today.</p>
<p>And he no longer seems annoyed just hearing Alex's name. I suddenly miss when he was all protective over me.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Our walk to the movie theatre was quiet but awkward, at least for me it was.</p>
<p>Winston tried making small talk like he did the first time when we were walking home after the movie. He tried asking if I knew what film Alex chose, if I've heard from my sister and other meaningless shit like that. I just gave him some short replies and he eventually gave up trying.</p>
<p>Alex is already waiting for us with tickets and he grins at me when he sees me.</p>
<p>"I was starting to think I was getting stood up," Alex says as he hands us our tickets. I glance at the name. It's some marvel movie, something generic and nothing special just like I expected from him.</p>
<p>"Monty woke me up late," Winston explains but Alex doesn't look like he gives a fuck. If I had known that it would take Winston thirty minutes just to do his hair then I simply just wouldn't have bothered waking him up at all.</p>
<p>But this movie thing was his idea and we can't give up before we even start.</p>
<p>I sit in between Alex and Winston, I think it's for the best since they don't seem to be getting along much.</p>
<p>Winston acts like a bitch for the first few minutes of the movie. He moves around a lot, pretends to yawn and acts like he's uninterested but then he seems to get into the storyline and he settles down and watches in silence.</p>
<p>Alex is looking at the screen with a small smile on his lips. His nose is definitely the same as Winston's, it looks just like Winston's when we first came here to see a movie together.</p>
<p>We came together because Benny cancelled on him. I think Winston's given him about a hundred second chances since then.</p>
<p>I try to get into the movie too but I can't really concentrate. I see the movie and I hear the sound but I take none of it in. I just think about the fact that Winston was able to forgive Benny for lying for so long. Hell, he would probably forgive the guy if he murdered someone.</p>
<p>I'm suddenly aware of Alex's knee touching mine. Winston was right, he <em>is</em> hitting on me. Or maybe not. I don't know.</p>
<p>I look at his face and he seems to be too focused on the film to even notice that his knee is touching mine. Probably accidental then.</p>
<p>I could move my knee away from his but that would mean moving closer to Winston and I don't think that's smart to do. Alex isn't even making me uncomfortable so I let my knee stay where it is and we stay like that until the end of the movie.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>I was hoping that Alex would fuck off to an uber or something but he says that he'll be more than happy to walk us to campus.</p>
<p>There goes my chance of talking to Winston in private.</p>
<p>Winston and I walk on the pavement while Alex walks on the side of the curb, there just isn't enough space for the three of us.</p>
<p>"I saw you play on Thursday," Alex tells me and I turn my head to look at him. "I was there for Noah but... I really do think you were the best player out there."</p>
<p>I scoff. Okay, now he's just sucking up to me.</p>
<p>"Yeah? And what do you know about football?" I ask and Winston chuckles softly beside me. Alex's only connection to football is that his sister is dating the captain of the football team. That's it.</p>
<p>"I know enough," Alex tries to defend himself but his cheeks turn slightly pink.</p>
<p>I just nod. Football isn't something I want to talk about right now, it would be a waste of time.</p>
<p>"So... How are you and Noah doing?" I ask and Alex shrugs slightly. I hope all of this is paying off and making Alex realise that we're more than just stupid football players.</p>
<p>"He's alright... I guess," Alex says and I nod to myself. I must be doing something right.</p>
<p>We walk in silence for a couple of minutes and the only thing you can hear is the sound of the cars driving past. Then Winston clears his throat and turns his head to me.</p>
<p>"You're picking the movie for next week, right?" he reminds me and he asks in such a way that I feel like he's trying to tell Alex that he's not invited next week. This is our thing. "Just not anything too scary, I-"</p>
<p>"Fuck!"</p>
<p>Alex trips over the side of the curb and I feel his hands grabbing onto my elbow for support. I put my hands on his sides subconsciously to steady him and he stops wobbling.</p>
<p>"You alright?" I ask him and he nods.</p>
<p>"Yeah, sorry," Alex says and I slowly take my hands away from his sides in case I make him feel uncomfortable. "I kinda fucked my leg up a while back," Alex explains and Winston scoffs behind me. "It acts up sometimes."</p>
<p>I just nod and we resume walking again. Winston seems to have picked up his pace and he walks a few steps in front of us while Alex and I walk together side by side.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p><br/>"So what did you think about the movie?" Winston asks me as he comes out of the bathroom from brushing his teeth.</p>
<p>I shrug as I sit on my bed and take my shoes off. "It was alright."</p>
<p>Winston agrees with me by nodding and then he sits opposite me on his own bed. "Alex was so bit annoying though, right?" Winston says and I shrug again. "Saw him getting a bit... Touchy with you."</p>
<p>Does he mean the knee touching or the clinging onto my elbow or maybe both?</p>
<p>"It was nothing," I simply say and Winston nods deciding not to carry on the conversation.</p>
<p>I get changed into my sleeping clothes and then I sigh as I sit on the bed. Winston already changed in the bathroom a long time ago and now he's smiling at his phone screen.</p>
<p>"Do you love him?" I ask and Winston looks up at me. "Benny."</p>
<p>It's the only thing I could come up with. I mean, why else would he just keep on giving him more and more chances? I've been dreading to ask him for some reason.</p>
<p>"I..." Winston sighs and then he looks back at his phone screen. Come on, he was so focused on the guy that he forgot to even send me a text this morning. "Yeah, I think I do."</p>
<p>So that's that. I feel a weird feeling in my stomach and it seems to fill my mouth up too. It's just because I think Winston deserves better. I just wish he'd stand up for himself more.</p>
<p>But he's in love with Benny. Is he really though? How long has he known Benny? And I mean the real Benny, not the one who has a girlfriend and pretends to be straight. How long has he known him? Eighteen hours? You can't love someone without knowing them first. Winston just <em>thinks </em>he loves Benny.</p>
<p>I don't say any of that. Instead, I just nod and I say goodnight before laying down on my bed.</p>
<p>Winston says goodnight back but I hear him tapping on his phone screen long after the sun goes down.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you sooo much for all your comments. i enjoyed writing this chapter and i hope you liked readin it, i love reading all your comments and knowing your thoughts on this xxx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. For Him</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter Seven</strong>
</p><p>Another day at work. Haley took a day off or something so working without seeing her at the till has been extremely painful.</p><p>Al least I had Jessica left. Whenever a customer was getting rude, I just went back into the kitchen where Jess was helping prepare the meals and she listened while I ranted to her.</p><p>We left together. She could have been home a long time ago but she waited for me to finish my part and then she walked out with me.</p><p>She asked if I could wait with her in the parking lot, some guys were hanging around close by and Jess looked uneasy so I agreed.</p><p>"Who's picking you up?" I ask in an attempt to make small talk.</p><p>Jess yawns and covers her mouth with one hand. "My girlfriend."</p><p>Girlfriend? God, why do I attract all the homos? I softly chuckle to myself and Jess doesn't seem to care.</p><p>"If you want we can give you a ride to campus," Jess then tells me and I think about it. Winston has been spending much more time with Benny over the past week or so. There's nothing to go home to and I don't feel like sleeping.</p><p>"Can I got a ride to somewhere else?" I ask and Jess nods.</p><p>"Sure."</p><p>***</p><p>I never understood why he gave me his address but it seems to come in handy now.</p><p>He looks shocked when he opens the door and sees me standing there. He's got his own apartment just like Scott but this one is much nicer than anything Scott will ever be able to afford.</p><p>Hey..." Alex says and he stares at me from the doorway. "Do you... wanna come in?"</p><p>I have no idea what the hell I'm doing at his apartment but... I don't wanna go back to my dorm room and Scott's probably out... None of that matters anyway, I'm standing in Alex's apartment now.</p><p>I follow Alex into the living room. It's quite a big room with two couches, a coffee table and a lot of bookshelves. It's not organised though, it looks like a mess. The books are just crowding the bookshelves becuase they have nowhere else to be. There's a pair of jeans laying on the couch and a shirt laying on the floor. There are three old coffee mugs on the coffee table and Alex quickly swoops them up in his hands.</p><p>"Sit down, I'll get you something to drink," Alex says before disappearing into the kitchen with the dirty mugs.</p><p>I do as he tells me and I continue analysing the room. Winston would never let this apartment get this messy. God knows how many times he's told me off for even making the tiniest mess like leaving a dirty sock under my bed. Alex clearly doesn't care about this place as much as Winston would.</p><p>What am I doing here? I just... I don't feel like being around Winston right now. Since he told me about his feelings for Benny, I feel uncomfortable every time I see him. I don't know what happened but I don't like seeing him anymore.</p><p>Alex comes out of the kitchen with two fresh cups of coffee and he sits down next to me. Very close to me.</p><p>"How do you take yours? Black with two sugars, right?" Alex asks and he studies my face for approval. No, I actually fucking hate coffee but I got one that one time after practice because I was tired as hell. Alex was walking past as I was ordering my coffee in the cafeteria and I stopped to say hi. I completely forgot about it until now.</p><p>"Right," I say and then I lean back in the couch not even considering to drink the coffee. Alex reaches for the mug closer to him and he watches me nervously.</p><p>"So... What are you doing here?" he asks and I've been asking myself that the whole way here. I've just been wonder... if Winston was right. Does Alex really have a crush on me? Was he hitting on me? I told him that I wasn't gay and for some reason, he decided that it was okay to still hit on me.</p><p>"Do you..." I start and then I sigh as I stare up at the ceiling. Does he what? Does he find me attractive? Does he think I'm gay?</p><p>I flinch when I feel a hand travelling to my knee. I look down and Alex isn't even looking at me, he's just staring at the hand that he's placed on my knee.</p><p>"What are you doing?" I managed to cough out after a second but his hand remains where it is. My breathing starts to become shallow for some reason. Why am I so fucking nervous all of a sudden?</p><p>"Is this what you came for?" Alex asks quietly and he looks up to meet my eyes. I can't even breathe, nevermind answer. His hand starts travelling up my thigh and then he stops. Why can I already feel myself getting hard from one touch? From a <em>guy's</em> touch?</p><p>Alex is looking at me and I look away. This doesn't feel right but for some reason, I don't want him to stop. He doesn't stop. He puts his mug down on the table and he gets on top on me so that he's straddling my hips. Why can't I stop him?</p><p>My hands remain by my sides but he puts his hands on my shoulders and starts moving his hips against mine. I feel my whole body stiffen underneath him and he keeps going as I stare at him. It almost feels like this isn't even me doing this, I'm in this body but I'm not the one controlling it.</p><p>Then Alex starts to lean down as if to kiss me and I snap out of it.</p><p>"I'm not gay," I say and I turn away from him. I'm not. I'm really not.</p><p>He turns my head towards him with his hands and his nose brushes past mine. Winston's nose...</p><p>Winston. What would he think of this? For some reason, I feel like he wouldn't like this.</p><p>"So you've said," Alex says quietly and his eyes start to close and maybe if I do the same...</p><p>His nose bumps against my cheek and I feel his breath on my lips but it just doesn't feel right. He's too small and not skinny enough. And when I open my eyes, his eyes aren't the colour that I want them to be.</p><p>"I don't want to kiss you," I tell him and I lightly push him away from me. His eyes flutter open and he stays where he is, at arm's length away from me. "I don't wanna kiss guys."</p><p>He stares at me and then he scoffs as he slowly slides off of my lap. "No. I'm just not the guy you want to kiss," he says with his back turned to me.</p><p>I... Is he being serious? What does he...</p><p>I shakily stand up from the couch and Alex brushes some hair away from his forehead. He won't meet my eyes and he's chewing at his lip nervously. Should I apologise?</p><p>"I... I saw it but I thought..." Alex says shakily and he still won't meet my eyes. "I mean... I could see it but I just didn't..."</p><p>"What are you talking about?" I ask nervously. He's starting to scare me. Alex laughs and he shakes his head like he can't believe I'm asking.</p><p>"God, you really don't know?" Alex asks and I stare at him in confusion. Don't know what? "I think you should leave."</p><p>So now he's kicking me out? Because I didn't want to kiss him? He better not tell anyone about this.</p><p>"Yeah I think so too," I say quietly. Alex still won't look at me. I don't blame him, we're both embarrassed about what just happened.</p><p>And confused.</p><p>***</p><p>It's Thursday night. I come back to our room from my chat with Alex and Winston isn't home. There's no note on his bed or anything. Nothing at all. He's probably out with Benny again.</p><p>I try not to think about what Alex said but our conversation keeps on replaying in my head. He saw what? Why can't he just tell me? All he did was confuse me.</p><p>I wish Winston was here. He's gay and he could help me out. Where is he?</p><p>I send him a few texts hoping he'll see them soon and reply but I wait an hour and there's nothing.</p><p>It's almost eight and I'm in the kitchen making a sandwich when I hear my phone ring.</p><p>I almost knock my plate off the counter on my way to the phone. Winston never calls he texts sometimes but he never calls. Maybe it's not even him calling.</p><p>But it is.</p><p>"Hey, where ar-"</p><p>"You texted me," Winston interrupts me and he sounds so... </p><p>"Yeah... I did," I say and I can just hear Winston breathing heavily and sniffling on the other side of the phone. "Are you okay?"</p><p>"Can you pick me up?" Winston then asks and his voice is shaky.</p><p>"Are you drunk?" I ask him because it's the only explanation I can come up with.</p><p>"No, I'm just... Just pick me up okay?" he says quietly and there's an edge to his voice. Something happened. And he's calling me. Not Benny or anyone else.</p><p>"Where are you?" I ask him. "I'll be there soon."</p><p>***</p><p>See, this is a prime example of why I should have brought my car. God, I miss that car.</p><p>Instead, I have to take an uber. Winston doesn't know <em>exactly</em> where he is, so I'm just looking out of the window hoping to see him on the side somewhere. He said he'll wait by the bus stop but I'm still looking everywhere just in case he moved or something. He wouldn't do that though.</p><p>I see a bus stop close by and I strain my eyes to focus on it. Sure enough, there he is. He's got his back to the road but I could recognise him anywhere. Even without seeing his face.</p><p>I tell the driver to pull over and to wait while I go get Winston. We pull over into an alleyway, I pay him and then I head back to the bus stop to get Winston.</p><p>"Hey! Winston!" I shout so he'll notice me. He turns around and I freeze. We both do. </p><p>He freezes because he sees the expression on my face. I freeze because I see his face.</p><p>Fuck. And his face <em>just</em> healed as well. I stare at his face and the giant bruise covering his cheekbone. Someone really took a swing at him.</p><p>And we just stand there looking at each other. The soft flesh of his skin now damaged and swollen an ugly shade of purple. </p><p>I eventually manage to move my legs but my head is spinning. I take a few steady steps towards him and then I stop when I'm in front of him. He still doesn't move.</p><p>"Monty..." he says quietly and he hangs his head as if in shame. I have a few ideas what could have happened but I want to hear it from him.</p><p>I bring my hand up to his face and then I hesitate. I slightly tilt his head upwards so I can examine the bruises properly. I gently run my finger over the swollen skin and Winston flinches.</p><p>"So who did this?" I ask him as calmly as I can. It's not him I'm mad at, I have to remind myself. "Hmm?"</p><p>"Monty..." he says again and he turns away. I let my hand drop by my side and I clench my jaw now seeing the bruises from the side. "Can we please go home?"</p><p>"Was it the football team?" I ask completely ignoring him. If it was, all he has to do is tell Noah and we'll sort it out from there. After I beat the shit out of them of course.</p><p>Winston sighs softly. "Can we talk about this after?" he asks and he doesn't break eye contact with me as he waits for a response. "I'm just really tired."</p><p>And he looks tired and worn out again. He has that look on his face, the same one he had when he got beaten up at that party. I have a feeling Benny was involved in this but I don't ask. He'll tell me, he just needs time.</p><p>***</p><p>The ride home was awkwardly silent. Winston just stared out of the window the entire time and when the car finally stopped, he just left me behind and walked to our dorm by himself.</p><p>When I finally came back to our room, he was getting changed for bed. </p><p>I shake my head at him and I head straight to the kitchen. He doesn't get to do this again. There's a can of coke in our fridge, I take it out and I go back to our room.</p><p>"Here," I say and I throw the can onto his bed. "For your face." Last time I told him to put something cold on it too, he ignored me and then his face looked even worse in the morning. </p><p>He briefly glances at the can and then he pulls his shirt over his bed. "Thanks but I'll be fine."</p><p>"It wasn't a suggestion," I tell him as I walk over to my bed. He doesn't fucking get it, his face <em>will</em> look worse tomorrow. He ignores me. "Fuck, Winston. I will hold you down and press that thing again your face if I have to."</p><p>He stops and his cheeks redden, he's obviously embarrassed that I had to tell him off. Then he nods slowly. "Okay."</p><p>So he sits down on his bed, he picks up the can and he presses it to his cheekbone. I sit opposite him and I just stare at him like a creep. I worry about him. </p><p>"We still need to talk abo-"</p><p>"I know," he interrupts me and he looks to the side. "We will."</p><p>***</p><p>It's the middle of the night and we're in complete darkness. I think both of us are pretending to be asleep. I want to see if he'll cry when he thinks I'm asleep. If he does, I'll have no choice but to comfort him. So we lay in our beds, pretending like we don't want to talk to each other. But we do.</p><p>I almost give up after a while. My eyes are starting to sting and I'm tired after having such a long and hard day at work. I don't even realise that I'm falling asleep until Winston's voice pulls me out of it.</p><p>"Monty?"</p><p>"Hmm?"</p><p>And there's a pause and I hear Winston exhale. Come on. Tell me what happened. </p><p>"I'll pay you back for that uber," he says eventually. "Goodnight."</p><p>What?</p><p>Before I know it, I'm sitting up, sat on the edge of my bed and the light from the lamp on Winston's nightstand is on. He blinks at me in the bright light and squints.</p><p>"What are you-"</p><p>"You don't get to pull that bullshit with me," I tell him sternly as he begins to sit up in bed. He rubs his eyes and they start to adjust to the light in the room. </p><p>I'm not letting him sleep until he tells me what happened. I don't care, I've been nice so far but enough is enough. If I don't force it out of him now then I never will.</p><p>"I'm tired," Winston says but it's just another excuse to avoid this conversation. I see the bruise on his face in the lighting. The cold can definitely helped but God, it looks awful.</p><p>"I don't care," I say simply and Winston sighs. "Just tell me what happened."</p><p>He hesitates and he starts nibbling at his bottom lip. "I... Okay," he then says and he takes a deep breath. "But you can't get mad."</p><p>I can't get mad? I <em>will</em> get fucking mad. Does he expect me to just sit there with a smile on my face while I listen to him tell me how he got that nasty bruise?</p><p>"Mhm."</p><p>"Monty," he says in a no arguments voice. "Promise me you won't get mad. Promise me you'll leave it alone. This doesn't involve you."</p><p>And yet he trusts me enough to tell me.</p><p>"Okay, I promise," I say but I keep my hands hidden.</p><p>"Did you... Did you just cross your fingers?" Winston asks and slowly a smile creeps up on his face. Yeah... maybe I did. He just shakes his head at me like I'm a child, he knows he can't change my mind.</p><p>"So what happened?" I say now in a serious tone and Winston's smile vanishes. </p><p>He clicks his tongue and then he swallows. "I was out with Benny and... it was fine but then," he says and he stops abruptly and he brings his hand up to his face to touch the bruised cheekbone. "We ran into some of Benny's friends. I don't know if it was the football team or not. But the big guy was there, the one from the party? Yeah... he left me with this."</p><p>He really expected me not to be mad? Does he not know me at all? So Benny fucked up. Again. And I'm here. Cleaning the mess up. Again. And I just<em> know</em> he's going to forgive Benny.</p><p>I fucking hate this. I hate how he can't go out with his boyfriend (even if it's Benny) without getting hurt because some pussies can't handle seeing two guys holding hands in public. Sure, it may not be the nicest thing to see but why the fuck does it have to bother them?</p><p>"Just leave it, don't say anything," Winston tells me uncertainly. "I'll sort it out."</p><p>I have to laugh. "<em>You'll </em>sort it out?" I ask him. "You and your twiggy arms are going to teach them a lesson?" I don't mean to be mean, but come on, it's ridiculous. Winston <em>won't </em>sort it out.</p><p>"And what are you gonna do?" he asks me in an angry tone. "Beat them up?"</p><p>Yeah, that's the idea. "They could do with a good beating," I say with a shrug. Why does Winston not see that they're not going to stop until someone teaches them a lesson?</p><p>Winston shakes his head. "No. No, I don't like it when you get into fights. I don't want you to get into trouble."</p><p>But it's him. I can't just let this go. But I also value his opinion and I'm not just going to ignore him even if he is being stupid, he just needs some persuasion to see that violence is the way to go.</p><p>"So what do you want me to do?" I ask him and he licks his lips nervously.</p><p>"One thing," he says. "Just... Don't hit anyone. Okay? Can you do that?"</p><p>For him? I think I can.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you for all the kind comments and messages :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Fever Dream</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter Eight</strong>
</p><p>Winston isn't stupid.</p><p>One of the first things he did the day after was call Noah and tell him what happened. Not <em>exactly</em> what happened, just that I needed to be kept away from Big Ben and Benny at all costs.</p><p>And I was. Noah wouldn't even let us in the locker room at the same time. He made some excuse about needing to talk to Big Ben before the game and only let him go when I was out on the field.</p><p>I glared at him all throughout practice. I hate him. The guy weighs about a tone and then goes around punching stick-thin guys. I'd love to teach him a lesson. But I promised Winston that I wouldn't.</p><p>We're still on to see a movie today. I wanted to cancel in case he wanted some time inside or something but he said he'd love to hang out with me. So I guess we're seeing a movie together.</p><p>It's my turn to pick this week. I've been trying to think of something all week, spending hours and hours watching trailers and reading recommendations to see if there was anything he'd like. In the end, I still couldn't decide. So maybe I was hoping he'd want to cancel.</p><p>After practice, I go to the cafeteria to get some disgusting coffee again. I don't think I'll ever be able to look at a cup of coffee again without thinking about Alex and what he did...</p><p>I stand by the till as I wait for my coffee. I didn't get much sleep last night. Even after my talk with Winston, I couldn't sleep. I don't think he slept much either. I heard him sniffling all night but I think it's just because he caught a cold. </p><p>"I'll pay for that," I hear someone say just as the guy is handing my coffee to me.</p><p>It's Alex again. He looks apologetic, coming over to me with his tail between his legs. Does he want me to thank him? That's not going to happen.</p><p>I simply grab my coffee and walk away while Alex pays for it. But he manages to catch up to me. Obviously his 'bad leg' must only act up when he wants it to.</p><p>"Monty, wait!" he says and he grabs onto my elbow as if he could actually stop me. But he does look like he might apologise, it would be cruel not to give him a chance to.</p><p>"What?" I sigh and Alex looks even more embarrassed. He takes a step back as I glare at him. He can't expect me not to be mad.</p><p>"I... I just wanted to apologise for... You know," he says. Wow, what a shitty apology.</p><p>"Sorry for what?" I ask. "Sorry for hitting on me or sorry for kicking me out after when I rejected you?"</p><p>Alex blushes a deep shade of red. "Both," he says and he shakes his head. "I was... I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry."</p><p>I could ask him what he wanted to say just before he kicked me out. But it doesn't seem relevant anymore. I just nod.</p><p>"So are we cool now?" Alex asks hopefully. I don't see the point in making an enemy of him and maybe even ruining Noah's chances with Cassie in the process.</p><p>"Sure," I say simply and that seems to be good enough for Alex.</p><p>***</p><p>Winston is laying in bed when I come back. I didn't come here straight from practice, I went to Scott's first to see how he was doing because we haven't seen each other in a while. And when Scott and I meet up for a drink, we end up talking for hours.</p><p>I told him about Alex and he didn't seem weirded out. He just said something about how experimenting in college is expected.</p><p>I also told him about Winston and how he got attacked. I left some details out for whatever reason. The details that made it look like... I don't know. Me touching Winston's face, forcing him to talk to me, crossing my fingers when making a promise to him. I leave out all the details that I wanted to talk about. I want to tell someone about it because I'm tired of just talking about it in my head.</p><p>"What's up with you? You trying to catch up on sleep?" I ask him as I take my shoes off by the door and he smiles at me weakly.</p><p>"Just not feeling my best," he says with a blocked nose. This can't be good. It was only a sniffle when I left this morning for practice.</p><p>I walk over to him and I notice his rosy cheeks and his burning forehead. He sits up in his bed like he knows that I'm going to start interrogating him.</p><p>"You don't look so well..." I say and I hesitate before sitting on the edge of his bed. He moves closer to me and closes his eyes.</p><p>"I'm really cold," he tells me. I raise an eyebrow and I bring a hand up to touch his forehead. He's burning up.</p><p>"You don't <em>feel</em> cold," I tell him and he rests his forehead against my hand. I take it away and he flinches.</p><p>"You're really warm," he says absentmindedly. I think he has a fever.</p><p>He starts moving closer to me like he's about to wrap his hands around me and I quickly stand up.</p><p>"Wait here," I tell him as he frowns at me. "I'll go get a med student or something."</p><p>That's one advantage of living in the dorms I guess. A few minutes later I return to our room with a girl named Ani who says she's a med student. She confirms my suspicion: Winston has a fever.</p><p>"So what do we do now?" I ask her and she stares at me like I'm dumb. Maybe to her, I am.</p><p>"Just let him sweat it out," Ani says like it's no big deal. "Make sure he rests and drinks a lot. Let me know if it doesn't improve or if he gets a headache. Any unusual symptoms, come to me."</p><p>Winston doesn't seem happy that he has to stay in bed.</p><p>"We still have a few hours left until we have to go see the movie," Winston tells me once Ani leaves the room. "I might feel better by then."</p><p>The circumstances aren't the best, but at least I don't have to pick a movie last minute.</p><p>"Don't worry about it," I tell Winston. He just needs to focus on getting better. "We can see the movie another time."</p><p>I walk over to my bed and I sit down so that my back is touching the wall. Winston has wrapped the covers tightly around himself but I can see that he's still shivering.</p><p>"Are you still cold?" I ask him and he shrugs.</p><p>"I'm not sure," he tells me. "I'm cold but I'm also boiling at the same time. Do we have something cold? Ice or something? Maybe we could open a window..."</p><p>I remember that one time I had a fever when I was like thirteen or something. Back when my mom still cared about my well-being. I was unbelievably hot but when I tried to cool down she wouldn't let me. And besides, Ani said its better to sweat it out.</p><p>I slide off my bed as I get an idea. I strip the duvet off my bed and I see Winston watching me.</p><p>"What are you doing?" he asks me and he's still shivering. He looks ridiculous, the rosy cheeks and the ugly purple bruise on his cheek. My dad would be psychically sick seeing someone look this pathetic.</p><p>I put my duvet on top of him and I tuck it into the sides of the bed. Winston doesn't complain. He barely moves a muscle and I do my best to avoid touching him.</p><p>He's smiling once I'm done and I step away from him.</p><p>"You're really nice," he says sleepily. "Really nice."</p><p>I just scoff and shake my head as I walk over to my bed again. It feels bare without the duvet but I know Winston needs it more than I do.</p><p>"Can I tell you something?" Winston asks with his eyes focused on the ceiling. My heart rate starts to pick up and I try my best to remain calm.</p><p>"Of course," I say trying not to sound too eager. All those weeks we spent together as roommates, the only time we were able to have a proper conversation was on our way back from the movie theatre. He always picked Benny over me. <br/><br/>Winston groans as he moves around in his bed so that he can lay on his side and face me. He sighs. "I told Benny that I love him yesterday," he tells me and then he bites his lip nervously. "He didn't say it back."</p><p>"Oh," I say not knowing what else to say. This isn't what I expected. </p><p>Winston is looking at me with sad eyes. "What do you think I should do?"</p><p>Dump him and never look back. That fucker doesn't deserve him. But he's in love with him and it would be selfish of me to not let him be with who he loves. Selfish? No, not selfish. I'd just be a bad friend.</p><p>"Why are you asking me?" I ask quietly and Winston exhales softly. He looks so damaged, the bruised skin, the rosy cheeks, the pale lips and the dark circles under his eyes. All because of this one guy. I'd be a bad friend if I told him<em> not</em> to dumb Benny.</p><p>"I don't know," Winston says honestly. "I just... Not to be weird or anything but I just kind of trust you? I know we don't really know much about each other but..."</p><p>"Well then tell me something about yourself," I interrupt him before he can start talking about Benny again.</p><p>He raises an eyebrow and then he looks away trying to think of something to say. "I'm pretty boring now that I think about it," he tells me and I roll my eyes. He could never be boring.</p><p>"Come on, anything," I say and he smiles to himself. Anything at all would be appreciated.</p><p>"Okay," Winston sighs after a while. "Don't laugh okay?" He hesitates and then he licks his lips nervously. "I'm like... really scared of fish. No joke."</p><p>"Fish?" I ask and I raise an eyebrow. So this is what he decides to tell me about himself? At least he didn't start off by telling me his birthday. </p><p>"I told you not to laugh," Winston says but he's laughing himself. "There was this one time when I was five, my dad took me to like this water zoo, I don't know what they're called, and... There was like this tank? Where you could pet the fishes and I put my hand in there and all those fishes just started swimming towards me and I got bitten."</p><p>I bite my lips to stop myself from laughing. I didn't even know fish could bite.</p><p>"That's not even the worst part," Winston says and he shakes his head in embarrassment. "I started screaming and then I pissed my pants. It was... an experience."</p><p>"You think?" I ask and he pushes his hair away from his forehead. It's slightly damp from the sweat and then he licks his lips again. They're drying pretty fast.</p><p>"Your turn," he then says and he coughs. "And it better be good, I didn't share this story for nothing."</p><p>I then understand why it took him so long to come up with something. I can't think of anything that's good enough for me to share with him. But he waits patiently as I stare at the wall and try to come up with something.</p><p>"I always wanted to have a dog when I was younger, like one of them big ones," I say and I try to sound as collected as possible. But my head is flooded with memories of dogs and my dad that I would rather forget. "My dad wasn't a fan of animals. So I got some ants from our garden and I kept them as pets..."</p><p>Winston is staring at me unsure of what his reaction should be. It's not a happy story, it's not an interesting story but it's something that stuck with me. That was probably the first time I felt even a little bit of real hate towards my father.</p><p>"Erm, they stayed in like this little container under my bed," I say after a moment of silence. Winston doesn't know how it ended. "But then my dad found them and I had to throw it out. Those ants were my first and only pets."</p><p>I feel like Winston can sense that I'm not telling him the full story but he just nods. "I wanted to have a big dog too, but my dad didn't want to have hair all over the carpet."</p><p>We're both not telling each other the whole story but we somehow manage to understand each other.</p><p>"Dads, huh?" I say and Winston snorts.</p><p>"Right?" he agrees and then he sighs. "I hope I'll be a good dad someday."</p><p>I'm pretty sure it's the fever speaking at this point but I don't stop him as he stares down at the floor. </p><p>"What about you?" he asks me and looks up to make eye contact. "Do you ever wanna have kids?"</p><p>I shrug. Do I? I wouldn't even know what to do with a kid. I don't know what a proper parent does. I'd probably just take after my father and ruin the kid's life just like my dad did with me. </p><p>"Haven't really thought about it," I say and Winston grins at me.</p><p>"I think you'd be a good dad," he tells me and my heart skips a beat. I stare at him and he grins even wider. "You just..." he says and then he gestures to the duvet that I put around him. "You're not bad at taking care of people."</p><p>I don't like where this conversation is going. One of us might say something wrong sooner or later. "Speaking of that... Don't you think you should rest?"</p><p>Sleep could do him some good. </p><p>"But I like talking to you," Winston mumbles into his pillow but he's already starting to doze off. His eyes start to close and his breathing starts to regulate. But he's no asleep yet. He mumbles something and I pretend not to hear. I wish I didn't hear it. I wish he didn't say it. </p><p>I wish those words didn't have such an effect on me.</p><p>And I keep on replaying them in my head long after he's dozed off.</p><p>
  <em>"You know, if you were gay... I'd totally have a crush on you."</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>sorry about the long wait and the short chapter, but the next chapter is going to be much longer :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. It Left A Mark</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter Nine</strong>
</p>
<p>I hate how quickly time has passed. Winston's fever is a distant memory and our conversation itself feels like a fever dream. It's best to just forget about it.</p>
<p>School closes for Thanksgiving tomorrow and Winston will be flying out to see his parents. Me? I've got no family to see. </p>
<p>It's getting easier to talk to Winston now that he's not spending so much time with Benny. I know Benny's been texting him but I've never see Winston reply. I can tell he wants to though.</p>
<p>After practice or after a game, Benny always stares at me like he's considering going up to me and asking how Winston is doing. I'm glad he's only considering. There's a limit to how long I can control myself for.</p>
<p>Winston is out buying gifts for his parents, or at least that's what he told me. I have been keeping an eye on Winston, trying to work out if he's spoken or seen Benny yet. I don't think he has. </p>
<p>That's good. He just needs to distance himself away from Benny. He's got me instead.</p>
<p>So Winston isn't home and he might not be back for a while. So I'm testing something out. When Alex... He was able to get me hard. Not completely hard, but you know, it was an advancement. I haven't smoked weed in a while so I think that might be it, maybe I can finally get hard.</p>
<p>There's a girl on top of me. I think her name is Lou, she's roommates with that med student Ani. I've seen her around a few times and we've said 'hi' to each other a few times but we've never really spoken.</p>
<p>And now she's on top of me, kissing me, pulling at my hair. I'm just praying that my dick will get hard and I can finally stop walking around like a sad little virgin.</p>
<p>Her hand travels down my chest and it stops right above my cock. Nope, still soft. She starts grinding against me obviously thinking that maybe I just need a little more encouragement. I hope so. Because if I don't get hard from a girl...</p>
<p>She bits down on my lip and I just... I don't feel anything except for a little pain. Fuck, why is nothing happening?</p>
<p>"So I bumped into Noah in the-"</p>
<p>I pull away from the girl and throw her off of me like I've been burnt at the sound of Winston's voice. She lands on the bed by my side with a loud thud and Winston stare at us from the open doorway. He's got two grocery bags in one hand and his other hand is holding onto the door as if to close it. But he's frozen in place staring at us and not knowing what to do.</p>
<p>"Oh, I'm," he says and he takes a step back to leave the room but I quickly sit up.</p>
<p>"No, it's fine," I say and the girl rolls her eyes. "She was just leaving anyway."</p>
<p>At least he saved me from the awkward part of having to explain to her why I can't get hard. Lou glares at me as she slides off the bed and I look away. I keep my eyes on the floor until I hear the door shut.</p>
<p>"Nice timing," I tell Winston as he puts his bags down next to his bed. It really <em>was</em> nice timing. But I can't help but think, if he hadn't walked it, would I have gotten hard? Maybe a few more seconds would have done it for me.</p>
<p>"Yeah... sorry I-" he says as he sits down on his bed and then he stops abruptly and stares at me.</p>
<p>"What?" </p>
<p>"Nothing, you just..." he says and he points to his lips. "You've got something on your lips."</p>
<p>"Oh." I rub my lips with the back of my hand and I look up at him as if to ask if it looks fine now. Winston smiles and shakes his head.</p>
<p>"Wait," he says. He gets off of his own bed and then moves to stand in front of me. He bends down a little and then he brings his thumb to my lips. He repeatedly rubs it across the skin just below my lips until he seems satisfied.</p>
<p>"Lipstick's a bitch," he says as he steps away from me and looks at me as if to admire his work. "There we go. All done."</p>
<p>And that's when my dick starts to get hard. Delayed reaction, that's all.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Winston's flight is in a few hours and I've never seen him look this stressed out. He's checked the content of his suitcase about twenty times and he's circled the room about a hundred more.</p>
<p>"Toothbrush, charger, gifts..." he mutters to himself as he walks around the room trying to figure out if he has everything.</p>
<p>"You'll be fine," I tell him because it's making me dizzy just looking at him walk around in circles. "I'm sure you have everything."</p>
<p>Winston bites down on his lip and he keeps on pacing. I swear he's probably walked the equivalent of a marathon by now.</p>
<p>"Hey!" I grab the only pillow I have and I throw it at him. He stops just to catch the pillow and he throws it back at me. "Just sit down and relax."</p>
<p>He doesn't listen to me though. He just resumes to pacing up and down.</p>
<p>"Okay, that's enough," I sigh. I get off of my bed and I grab him by the waist. He squeals as I pick him up and drag him to his own bed. He doesn't even try to struggle, he just lets me carry him to his bed. He weighs almost nothing.</p>
<p>I drop him onto his bed and he's still laughing. "Thank you. I think I needed that."</p>
<p>I just roll me eyes at him but I can't stop smiling. Someone needed to do it. I walk back to my own bed and Winston props himself up on his elbow to grin at me. "I feel bad leaving you here all alone," he tells me. "You shouldn't be alone for thanksgiving."</p>
<p>"I'll be fine," I tell him but I'm pleased that he at least cares enough to say that. </p>
<p>Winston sighs and he stares at the floor for a couple of seconds. "You know, I'm sure my parents wouldn't mind if I brought you along."</p>
<p>I know he means well but I really <em>will</em> be fine.</p>
<p>"It's fine. I'll be staying with a friend," I tell him. Scott invited me a long time ago just in case I didn't have plans by thanksgiving. It didn't seem important back then but it is now.</p>
<p>Winston nods slowly. "Alex?" I raise an eyebrow and shake my head. "Oh okay."</p>
<p>And he doesn't seem to care who it is as long as it's not Alex. Then he sighs and sits up.</p>
<p>"Fuck," he says. "Socks. That's what I forgot." </p>
<p>And he stands up from his bed and starts looking through his suitcase again. It was nice while it lasted.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>"She was there grinding on me for like a good two minutes and... nothing. Nothing at all," I say. I feel bad for Scott and Melanie having to listen to my problems during thanksgiving.</p>
<p>Winston already flew out yesterday and he's with his parents now. I'm not going to be seeing him for another two days. I'm spending my Thanksgiving with Scott and his girlfriend. Talk about having no friends or family.</p>
<p>It's not even a proper Thanksgiving, neither of them cook. We just ate some Chinese while watching TV and then Melanie opened up a tub of ice cream which we are currently sharing.</p>
<p>"But then Winston touched you..." Scott reminds me as he licks his spoon clean and dips in back into the ice cream tub. "And you got hard."</p>
<p>It's not even funny at this point. I think I might actually be gay. It's all we've been talking about for the past one hour. They've been patient with me while I tried to figure out where my head's at.</p>
<p>I sigh as I try to focus on the ice cream on my own spoon. If I <em>am</em> gay... What would that mean? And what Winston said during his fever...</p>
<p>"You also got hard from Alex," Scott reminds me and I roll my eyes. As if I need reminding of that. </p>
<p>"It's okay if you <em>are</em> gay," Melanie says and Scott nods. I know that it doesn't matter to them, who cares if I like guys or girls. </p>
<p>My dad always looked down on homos, called it unnatural. A man should be with a woman, he said. This is different. No one really cares who you sleep with. I never have to see my father ever again, I left and he told me to never come back. I might do just that.</p>
<p>"So if I'm gay..." I say quietly and Melanie gives me a reassuring smile. "What do I do now?"</p>
<p>Do I have to tell people I'm gay? Is there something I have to do now that I <em>may </em>be gay?</p>
<p>"First of all, stop flirting with girls and getting their hopes up," Scott jokes and I laugh just to get rid of some of the awkwardness. "Second of all, it might be worth telling Winston that you feel attracted to guys. I'm sure he'll be more than happy to talk about it with you."</p>
<p>My heart skips a beat. Tell Winston? I mean... I'm sure he'll be fine with it but what he said... Would it change anything between us?</p>
<p>I hope so.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>"When you- I think I might have liked it?" I say. "No, I think I just... like guys?"</p>
<p>Fuck. Nothing seems right. How do people do this? You just go up to someone and you tell them that you're gay? That's all I could think about those past two days that I stayed with Scott and Melanie.</p>
<p>And now I'm back in my dorm room, pacing up and down between the two beds as I wait for Winston. He'll be okay with this, he might be surprised at first but then he'll get over it and then...</p>
<p>I like to think that Winston will somehow forget about Benny and then maybe even give me a chance... He said it himself: if I was gay, he'd have a crush on me.</p>
<p>The door opens and I flinch. I just need to stay calm. This will all be okay. But any preparation I've done over the past two days flies out of the window when I see his face. He looks so... good with his messy hair framing his face like this.</p>
<p>"Hey..." I say softly and he smiles at me as he walks inside. He looks good but he'd look even better if it wasn't for that fading bruise on his face. At least it acts as a reminder that Benny shouldn't be forgiven.</p>
<p>"Hey," He replies and then he leans against our door. Still grinning from ear to ear. What is he so happy about?</p>
<p>"I need to tell you-"</p>
<p>"There's something I have-"</p>
<p>We talk over each other and then we both stop. We're both grinning stupidly at each other and for a split second, I feel fine. I feel like everything will be okay.</p>
<p>"You first," I say even though all I want to do is tell him.</p>
<p>"Okay," he says and he doesn't stop grinning. This is good. "I just wanted to tell you before you find out from someone else." He pauses and I wait with my heart hammering in my chest. "So Benny and I... He broke up with his girlfriend. And we're officially together!"</p>
<p>He stands there with a smile on his face and waits for my response as I just sit there not knowing how to react. I've worked long enough in customer service to know how to fake a smile though.</p>
<p>"Wow, that's great news," I say blandly. Really. Fucking Great.</p>
<p>"It is, isn't it?" Winston says and he pushes his hair away from his eyes. I don't think I've ever seen him look happier. Benny makes him happy. But Benny also doesn't defend him when his friends use Winston as a punching bag. "Anyway, so what did you want to tell me?"</p>
<p>That I got my hopes up all for nothing. That I thought I had it all figured out. That I thought I knew what I wanted but I was obviously wrong. </p>
<p>"I..." I say uncertainly and I swallow as I try to think of something to say. What was I planning to tell him in the first place? That I might be gay? As if he'd give a fuck. "That I think I want a different roommate."</p>
<p>Winston thinks I'm joking at first and he laughs. I don't. And then his smile slowly vanishes and he just stares at me.</p>
<p>"Are you... Are you serious?" he asks uncertainly and his face falls when I just blankly stare at him. I've never been more serious in my entire life. I'm tired of him and all of his bullshit.</p>
<p>"Oh," he says and he stands by the door not really knowing what to do. </p>
<p>Yeah, oh.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>But getting a new roommate close to the end first semester is more than impossible. I've even tried to get Noah and Scott to help me out and it didn't work. Scott just told me that I was acting childish and he refused to help me and Noah tried to help but there was nothing much he could do.</p>
<p>It's been awkward, to say the least. We haven't spoken almost all week. Not even a hello or an excuse me. We just sit around in silence pretending that the other one isn't there. Or at least I am. Winston still stares at me, he tries to make conversation but I never respond. </p>
<p>It's petty. I know it's fucking petty but I can't help how I feel. And I feel so fucking mad at him for getting back with Benny even though I have no reason to. I kind of regret making this into such a big deal now, I could have just kept my mouth shut and we would have stayed as friends.</p>
<p>But I don't wanna be his friend.</p>
<p>I make myself a sandwich in the kitchen. When I left the room, Winston was sitting on his bed and watching something on his laptop but he's not there now. I can hear his footsteps entering the kitchen.</p>
<p>"So I was thinking if you can't decide then maybe I could pick a movie for us to go see today?" he asks and he's trying to sound calm but his voice shakes at the end.</p>
<p>I don't respond. We haven't spoken all week, what makes him think I'd want to go see a movie with him? He can go with his perfect boyfriend. </p>
<p>"What time is good for you?" Winston asks and he's slowly starting to lose his cool. He's not even trying to cover up how nervous he sounds. I still have my back to him as I slice up the tomato for my sandwich. "We could go-"</p>
<p>"I don't wanna go see a fucking movie with you," I tell him quietly and he shuts up. But only for a second. I don't think there was ever a time when I was directly mean to him. I've always treated him like a friend. But we're not friends.</p>
<p>"Okay," Winston says in a small voice. "We could... We could..." But even he has no idea what to say. "Monty, I don't know what I did wrong... But could you tell me so we can fix this?"</p>
<p>I place the tomatoes slices down on top of the cheese in a zig-zag pattern to make sure they're not too close to each other. That could ruin the whole sandwich.</p>
<p>"I miss talking to you," Winston tells me and my body stiffens. "I miss being your friend."</p>
<p>My friend? When was he ever my friend? I just wasted so much fucking time and energy into being his friend. But he was never mine.</p>
<p>I put another slice of bread on top of the sandwich and I turn around with it in my hand. Winston watches me as I bite into it and I lean against the counter. Something is missing but it's not a bad sandwich. It's alright.</p>
<p>"I think I'll go see that movie," I say with the food still in my mouth. Winston grins at me and for a second his eyes just have this twinkle in them. And then I swallow my food down. "I'll go with Alex. I hope he's not busy."</p>
<p>His face falls but I don't care. If he wants to see that movie then maybe he should go with Benny. They are 'officially together' after all now.</p>
<p>Fucking bullshit.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Luckily for me, Alex doesn't care enough to ask questions. He's just happy that we're hanging out together.</p>
<p>The movie is shit but it's not like it matters, I didn't come here for the movie. I've glanced at the screen twice maybe, the rest of the time I've spent looking at Alex. He's pretending not to notice but I know he's enjoying this.</p>
<p>"What?" he then asks and his cheeks are slightly pink as he grins at me. Alex likes me, right? And I <em>am </em>gay. Or at least I think I am. Maybe we could make it work. He's not ugly and he has a nice nose, dating him doesn't sound like such a bad idea.</p>
<p>I shrug innocently like I have no idea what he's talking about. I sure as hell won't be making the first move. </p>
<p>Alex briefly glances at my lips and then back up to my eyes. I just stare at him and he stops smiling. "Can I... Can I kiss you?" he asks and it's probably because he remembers how I pushed him away last time.</p>
<p>I won't push him away this time.</p>
<p>I nod.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>please dont murder me :) <br/>feel free to ask any questions on my Instagram</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Put It Together</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter Ten</strong>
</p><p>Turns out I can't even get hard for a guy now.</p><p>"You don't have to leave," Alex tells me as he props himself up on his elbows. "You could stay the night."</p><p>For what? To embarrass myself even more? I look around for my shirt, I have my jeans and shoes on I just need my shirt and then I'm gone. </p><p>I shouldn't have come back to Alex's place but I did it anyway. But he wanted me too. After I kissed him back and he slid his hand onto my knee, he wanted me to come back to his place. And I did because I'm going to be honest, I liked the kiss.</p><p>"You know I'm not kicking you out," Alex says and he's handing me my shirt that he found under the covers. "You <em>can </em>stay if you want to."</p><p>Like I said, there's nothing to stay for.</p><p>"Thanks but..." I say and I pull the shirt over my head. Alex hasn't done anything wrong, I haven't done anything wrong, Winston hasn't done anything wrong except be stupid. I just need a minute to calm down. </p><p>Alex stares at me as I stand fully dressed in front of him. I thought I was going to fuck him... But even my own cock knew that wasn't going to solve anything.</p><p>Alex doesn't seem upset though, he doesn't make this into a big deal. "So I'll see you later?"</p><p>"Sure," I say before walking out of the room and leaving him naked under the covers.</p><p>***</p><p>It's almost 1 am when I come back to our dorm room. I know that there's probably some rule about being out this late but I lost track of time. I just wandered around town wondering what the hell to do now. </p><p>I can't stay mad at Winston forever and I still have to live with him. If he wants to keep on running back to Benny then who am I to interfere? If that's what he wants then that's fine, I can't punish him for having shitty taste in guys.</p><p>Winston is surprisingly still awake when I get home. I was hoping I wouldn't have to talk to him until morning but he's already turning his lamp on and sitting up. He must have fallen asleep at some point in the night because his hair is a mess and he looks like he's just woken up from a very deep sleep.</p><p>"Did you enjoy the movie?" he asks me raspily as I take my shoes off by the door. He's still trying to make conversation even after how I treated him. Maybe it's just his thing to forgive people for all the shitty things they do to him.</p><p>I just shrug as I walk to my bed. "Didn't really pay attention to it." </p><p>"Oh," Winston says quietly and he absentmindedly cards his fingers through his messy curls. I can tell that he's thinking about something because his eyebrows furrow like he's deep in thought. "And Alex? Did he enjoy the movie?"</p><p>Maybe he's trying to figure out if I was bluffing or if I really did go with Alex. I shrug again as I sit down on my bed. "Don't think he paid much attention either."</p><p>So we went to see a movie together, neither of us paid attention to the movie and then I come back home at one in the morning. He's a big boy, he can figure out what happened.</p><p>I need to get changed for bed, I find my clothes crumpled up somewhere under the duvet and I start taking my shirt off.</p><p>"Monty?" Winston asks uncertainty because he's still unsure how this is supposed to work. Me neither.</p><p>Ignoring him won't help solve anything. "Hmm?"</p><p>I pull the shirt that I sleep in over my head and then I put my arms in the sleeves as Winston watches me. He sighs and looks away. "Are you upset because... I got back with Benny?"</p><p>Took him long enough to figure it out. But I can't be upset about it, I have no right. He's just some guy I'm living with it, I don't give a fuck about his life and what he chooses to do.</p><p>I flatten down my pillow and I shake my head. "I'm not upset," I tell him and I'm also trying to make myself believe it. Winston doesn't look convinced. "I just think you're stupid for taking him back."</p><p>Winston scoffs as I lay down in my bed and pull the duvet over myself.</p><p>"I love him," he tells me like that somehow justifies everything. Sometimes just love isn't enough to make it work.</p><p>"Yeah?" I ask as I close my eyes to go to sleep. "Did he say it back yet?"</p><p>Winston doesn't respond but I get my answer. I just can't help but wonder what Benny had to do in order for Winston to forgive him. Or maybe he just apologised and that was enough for Winston. Because simply breaking up with his girlfriend doesn't seem like enough.</p><p>"Do you like it when people treat you like shit?" I ask and I open my eyes again. Fuck it, I'm not going to sleep anyway. This conversation isn't over until I get my answers. "Is that what it is?"</p><p>Winston glares at me for a second and then scoffs. "I knew you wouldn't understand," he says and he looks away.</p><p>"Well, then fucking explain it to me," I say. I'm not some kind of mind reader, I don't know what the hell is going on in his head. "<em>Make</em> me understand." I can't wait to see what his reasoning is behind this.</p><p>Winston sighs and he licks his lips as if preparing himself to speak. Then he turns his head towards me again. "I don't know if you've noticed, but I don't exactly have many friends," he says. "It's easy for you, everywhere you go people just seem to want to talk to you. They want to be your friend. It's not like that for me."</p><p>What? </p><p>So he's staying with Benny because he's lonely? What kind of logic is that? Just fucking go out and talk to people, you don't have to stay with your shitty boyfriend.</p><p>"He loves me, okay?" Winston says slightly aggressively like he's trying to convince me that he's right. "I know he does, he's just not ready to admit it yet."</p><p>He's lying to himself. When will he realise that this just isn't good for him? <em>Benny </em>isn't good for him. It's really kind of sad.</p><p>"What if he's never ready to admit it?" I challenge him and he frowns. "Or what if he doesn't even love you at all?"</p><p>He looks stricken, upset, confused. I don't think I should have said that. But someone had to. </p><p>"You don't know him like I do," Winston says quietly and he clenches his jaw. "Okay? You fucking don't. So stay out of it."</p><p>He wants me to stay out of it? Fine. I will. I don't give a shit about him or Benny or anything else anymore. </p><p>"Okay," I say with a shrug. "Do whatever the fuck you want. I'm staying out of it."</p><p>Winston starts to panic. We're just making this worse and worse. "That's not what I-"</p><p>"No, it <em>is</em> what you meant," I interrupt him as I turn on my side to turn away from him. "I'll stay out of your life, alright. And you better stay out of mine."</p><p>Neither of us says anything for a minute and I think he's going to start arguing with me again. But then he sighs and I hear a soft click as he turns off the lamp. And then there's just total darkness.</p><p>***</p><p>"I think they liked him? I mean, I put in a good word or two," Alex tells me over lunch. Lunch in the cafeteria is much nicer when you have someone to talk to.</p><p>I'm glad that my hard work somehow paid off. Alex's parents met Noah on Thanksgiving and it went well, I like to think that this wouldn't have happened without me.</p><p>Alex is eating his yoghurt and I'm sat there with a full course meal in front of me, I need the energy for the football match later today.</p><p>"So I don't have to pretend to be friends with you anymore?" I tease Alex as I swallow my food down. "Cassie and Noah can finally date without having to worry about your judgement?"</p><p>Alex grins. "I was just looking out for her, okay?" he says and he chuckles to himself. "I was a bit harsh on him though, wasn't I?"</p><p>"A bit?" I ask and Alex rolls his eyes. We both know the answer to that. Alex was impossible to reason with, he hated Noah at first sight. Up until that fight.</p><p>I thought it would be awkward talking to Alex, you know? I've kissed him and we've tried to sleep together (even though we didn't get there) and he's still acting normal around me. Maybe just a bit more... </p><p>His hand slowly moves across the table until it reaches mine and I feel his thumb stroke my knuckles. It's weird, him touching my hand like this in public. I'm ready to admit that I'm gay, it doesn't mean that I want the whole school to know. And definitely not the football team.</p><p>I look around to see if anyone is watching us but I don't pull my hand away. The football team is scattered across the cafeteria but they're not sat anywhere near us. They can't see us.</p><p>But someone else can. My eyes lock with Winston's for a second and he stops in his tracks. He's carrying a sandwich and a can of coke in his hands but he stops and stares at me. It looks like he was on his way over to Benny's table.</p><p>Winston stares at me for a second and then his eyes travel down and rest on the table where Alex is touching my hand. He doesn't get to stop and ask, we promised to stay out of each other's business. </p><p>I turn away from him and I look back at Alex. He's just eating his yoghurt with the hand that isn't touching mine and I find myself smiling at him. He's really not that bad.</p><p>Winston walks past us like he doesn't give a shit who I sit with and what I do. I turn my head slightly to see him walking over to Benny's table. He's sat with two guys from the team and he waves Winston away with his hand. The same way you'd wave your dog away when you're too bust to play with him.</p><p>Winston's shoulders slump and then he walks over to an empty table and he sits down by himself. My stomach sinks. I know I said but... No. I can't do that. </p><p>I turn away. Alex's hand is still touching mine.</p><p>***</p><p>I played a lot during the game. But playing also means bruises. Alex came up to me straight after the game, asked if I was okay after that big guy almost flattened me to the ground. Okay, just bruised.</p><p>I could get used to this, eating lunch with Alex, him coming to see my games... It seems nice.</p><p>I go back to my room after the game. I'm a bit later than usual, I stay back to talk to Noah and some other guys from the team after the game. I think I'm finally starting to fit into the team.</p><p>"So... you and Alex... Huh." Winston says as I start looking through my drawer for a clean pair of socks. He's sat cross-legged on his bed, books scattered all around him. I thought we agreed not to do this. This is what he wanted.</p><p>It's hard to find two matching socks in the mess that is my sock drawer so I just focus all of my attention on that. For fuck's sake, why do all of them have holes?</p><p>Winston doesn't know when to give up. </p><p>"I know we said some stuff to each other..." he sighs. Jesus, how hard is it for him to take a hint? "But if you're not busy-"</p><p>"I'm taking Alex out in an hour or so," I interrupt him to let him know that I already have plans. Don't know where we're going or what we're doing yet, but Alex is up for anything that involves the two of us hanging out.</p><p>"Oh," Winston says behind me just as I find two matching socks. Both of them whole. I go to sit down on the edge of my bed and I take my socks off.</p><p>"Maybe you could get Benny to do something with you?" I suggest but not because I care. I didn't see Winston at the game, Benny probably doesn't want to risk being seen with him.</p><p>Winston's face falls. "I think he's busy."</p><p>"That sucks," I say not meaning it. Maybe he'll finally realise that Benny really doesn't give a shit about him. I put one sock on and then I roll up the other one.</p><p>"I'll ask him though," Winston then says and he reaches for his phone as I put my other sock on. I have an hour until I need to meet up with Alex, that's a lot of time to kill.</p><p>I move up to sit on the bed and I reach for my own phone while Winston stares at his. I haven't really been good at keeping in contact with people at home. In fact, I'm terrible at it. The only person I text is Estela, she checks in weekly because she knows I don't really have time for proper conversations. She's doing well and that's all that matters.</p><p>"Yeah, he's busy," Winston tells me and he throws his phone to the side. </p><p>"Sucks," I say again keeping my eyes on the screen and at the text message I sent to Estella that I know she won't reply to until a few hours later.</p><p>I'm trying to convince myself that I don't care what he does but I miss talking to him. I miss telling him about the football game and about shit that's happened at practice and in the locker room, I miss hearing him tell me about his photography class and all the annoying people in it. We were good as friends.</p><p>"Yeah..." Winston says and he sighs. "Not all of us get to hold hands in public."</p><p>He wants to make a dig at Alex, I can make a dig at Benny.</p><p>"Yeah, not all of us have shitty boyfriends," I reply and Winston stares at me.</p><p>"Boyfriend?"</p><p>Hasn't he put it together yet? I mean, Alex isn't my boyfriend but... I <em>am</em> gay. Does he need me to spell it out for him?</p><p>I just stare at him and he stares back, lips slightly parted, eyebrows furrowed.</p><p>"So you're... You like guys?" Winston asks uncertainly and he swallows. </p><p>I really thought he would have put it together by now. I shrug. "I like Alex," I say simply before he can get any ideas. Just because I like guys doesn't mean I'm suddenly going to start crushing on him. I like Alex. It's Alex that I want.</p><p>"Cute," Winston says sourly. </p><p>What's gotten into him?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Bending the Rules</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter Eleven</strong>
</p>
<p>As much as I want to help Winston out, he's not making it easy for me.</p>
<p>Benny continued to treat him like shit all week and then on Friday, he cancelled on Winston at the last minute. It hurt me to watch it happen.</p>
<p>"You're embarrassing yourself, you know that right?" I say to him now as I watch him style his hair in the bathroom mirror. It's Saturday and he's going out to see Benny again. They don't have plans but Winston wants to surprise him.</p>
<p>There's a bouquet of flowers laying on Winston's bed and he just spent at least an hour getting ready in the bathroom. That was after he spent two hours trying to pick an outfit. Benny doesn't deserve him.</p>
<p>Winston and I, we're acting civil around each other. There's something between us that's stopping us from going back to the way we used to be but at least we're not fighting.</p>
<p>He chooses to ignore my comment. "Blue or red?" He holds up two ties, one dark red and the other light blue.</p>
<p>I look at his outfit, the black jeans, the white shirt and the jacket on top.</p>
<p>"No tie," I tell him and he frowns.</p>
<p>"No tie?" he repeats and he glances from one tie to another. "I have more, if they're ugly I-"</p>
<p>"No tie," I say simply. "Unless you're planning on proposing to him?"</p>
<p>It's meant to be a joke, but his face falls and he looks down at the ground obviously embarrassed. He throws the ties to the side and puts his head in his hands.</p>
<p>"What is it?" I ask him.  </p>
<p>He sighs. "Do you think I'm moving too fast for him?" he asks and he bites his bottom lip. "I mean... I wanted him to meet my parents but he..."</p>
<p>I don't want to say I told you so... But does he really not see that Benny doesn't love him?</p>
<p>"How long have you know each other?" I ask because I might as well try to help. I might as well try to be his friend if I can't be anything more.</p>
<p>Winston thinks for a moment. "About... four months?"</p>
<p>Four months? I've only known Winston for about thirteen weeks. That guy's known Winston for four months and all he's done so far is treat him like shit.</p>
<p>"Why do you stay with him?" I ask and I know it's not my place to ask but I need to know. "Why do you... He keeps treating you like shit and you go back to him every time. Why?"</p>
<p>Winston doesn't look like he's gonna answer but then his shoulders slump and he walks out of the bathroom and sits down on his bed.</p>
<p>"Benny... He's all I have," Winston says quietly. "I... I just want him to love me like I love him. He-he's not the best boyfriend but..."</p>
<p>I listen and press my lips together. "But?" I just need him to see how bad Benny is for him.</p>
<p>Winston shrugs. "But he's still there for me. He wants me. Even though he might not act like it all the time... He still wants me. And he's all I have."</p>
<p>This is fucking sad. How can he... Does he really think he deserves this? He's one of the nicest people I've ever met and he's acting like he deserves to be with that asshole.</p>
<p>"You have me," I tell him and he laughs.</p>
<p>"No, I don't," he says sadly. "I did. Once. And then I... I lost you for some reason. But I don't have you anymore, I have Benny. And that has to be enough."</p>
<p>I hate the way he's talking. Like he's all alone and no one is there for him. Maybe I should have... I should have let it go. I should have been there for him.</p>
<p>Winston looks up at me and he licks his lips nervously like he's preparing himself to speak. He lets out a shaky breath. "I don't know what to call it - the thing that was happening between us. But I... I liked it and I just wish..."</p>
<p>Me too. I miss it. I miss whatever we had.</p>
<p>He's not looking at me and I lean forward and I place my hand on his knee. Whatever happened between us, I'm ready to forget about it and go back to the way it was. I guess I can be his friend.</p>
<p>"You have me, okay?" I tell him and my hand is still on his knee. He looks down and stares down at it for a couple of seconds. Is this too much? Did I overstep a boundary?</p>
<p>But then Winston looks up and he smiles. "Can I, erm... Can I hug you?"</p>
<p>Hug me? My heart skips a beat and my eyebrows raise without them meaning to. I manage to nod before he changes his mind. My hand slips away from his knee and he gets up from his bed and wraps his arms around my middle.</p>
<p>It's weird at first. Hugging him. I can't remember the last time I was hugged. But then I kind of ease into it, his head on my shoulder, his hands on my back and I wrap my arms around him too. My hands are on his back and I'm breathing in his shampoo. I can barely breathe and I pray to God that Winston can't feel my heartbeat through my shirt.</p>
<p>Does he hug Benny like this? Does Benny hug him back like I am right now?</p>
<p>I don't know how long a hug is meant to last, but it can't be this long. I better let go of him before it turns weird. I slowly unwrap my arms from him and I lean back. He pulls away and takes his arms away from me. Neither of us is looking at each other.</p>
<p>"I should... I should finish getting ready," Winston says quietly and he turns away from me and walks into the bathroom without a second glance.</p>
<p>And yet he's still picking Benny.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>While Winston is out, I decided to call Alex. </p>
<p>Alex and I... I know that he wants more. More of everything. He knows exactly what he wants and he's not afraid to ask for it. But me? I'm not sure what I want. I know one thing though, I'm not ready to have sex with Alex yet. </p>
<p>"How long is he gonna be out for?" Alex asks me as I try to do my homework. He's on loudspeaker and the phone is laying next to me. I sigh quietly.</p>
<p>"I'm not sure," I say. "He could be back any minute." I doubt it. He's only been gone for about half an hour and if his date with Benny goes well then he won't be back until tomorrow. I quietly wish that Benny disappoints Winston once again but then I feel mean. Winston loves him and I don't want him to get hurt. Their date better go well.</p>
<p>"I could come over?" Alex suggests and I bite my bottom lip trying to think of another excuse to avoid him. "Or you could come to my place..."</p>
<p>My stomach twists. Yes, I'm gay and yes, I find Alex attractive. But I'm just not sure if I'm ready to...</p>
<p>"I still have a lot of homework to do," I say and I clear my throat. Now would be a good time to hang up on him. But Alex is pushy.</p>
<p>"After then?" he asks and I have to hold back a groan. How can someone be this oblivious? He also asked me if I wanted to stay with him over Winter break, I already told him that I'll be staying with Scott.</p>
<p>"Look, erm..." I say and I pick up the phone so that it's easier for me to speak to Alex. "I just wanna stay in, you know? Maybe tomorrow?"</p>
<p>I hear him sigh. "Okay. Tomorrow then."</p>
<p>"Mhm," I say and we hang up after saying our goodbyes. I try to focus on my homework after. The first semester is almost over, the football season is almost over and yet it feels like college only just started.</p>
<p>Winston's been gone for about an hour now. So I guess Benny must have done something to make him stay. Even after our conversation, he still...</p>
<p>I'm not going to bother anymore.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>I think I must have fallen asleep at some point. But I'm awake now. A piece of paper is stuck to my cheek and I quickly pull it off before my eyes focus on the guy pacing around the room. Winston jumps when he turns around and sees me staring at him.</p>
<p>"Sorry, did I wake you?" he asks and he quickly wipes his cheeks with his sleeves. He's been crying. His eyes are puffy and red, his nose and cheeks are rosy and his lips are swollen. </p>
<p>He's trying to look like nothing's wrong but he's doing a poor job of it. </p>
<p>"Are you-Are you okay?" I ask him, my voice is still raspy from sleeping and I run a hand through my hair. </p>
<p>He nods and then he hesitates. He changes his mind, he shakes his head and his face starts to crumble. "No?"</p>
<p>So I guess Benny didn't manage to fix it this time after all. Or maybe Winston finally came to his senses.</p>
<p>"Come here," I say and I pat the space next to me on the bed. Winston tries his best to smile and then he walks over to my bed. He sits down next to me but he leaves some space in between us. </p>
<p>"So what happened?" I ask him and he starts chewing on his lip. He won't even turn my way, he just keeps his eyes focused on the floor.</p>
<p>"You were right," he says quietly and he lets out a strained laugh. "Benny didn't... He doesn't love me."</p>
<p>As much as I wanted him to come to his senses, I didn't want him to get hurt. Couldn't Benny just get it together?</p>
<p>"Did you guys have a fight?" I ask him quietly and he nods slowly. </p>
<p>"Yeah, we... I don't wanna talk about it," Winston says and he rubs his hands up and down his face. "But it's over now. So..."</p>
<p>"Right," I say and Winston finally turns his head to look at me. What do I do now? If he doesn't want to talk about it, and he's not crying anymore... what do I do?</p>
<p>"Do you have to be anywhere today?" Winston asks me and I can't say no to him. Even if I had plans, I'd cancel. I told him that he has me and now I need to start acting like it.</p>
<p>I shake my head and Winston smiles at me. "So can you stay inside with me?"</p>
<p>Ten minutes later, we're sat on the floor between the two beds with a game of snakes and ladders set out in between us.</p>
<p>"Hey hey hey, that wasn't there before," I tell Winston and I point to his piece on the board game. Winston grins and tries to play it off.</p>
<p>"It was, I swear!" he tries to tell me but I shake my head.</p>
<p>"Move it back or we're starting over," I tell him. There's been no mention of anything Benny or Alex related since we started the game. Winston's trying to pretend that he's alright but sometimes I catch him zoning out and looking like he's about to cry. I wish he'd talk to me about it.</p>
<p>Winston rolls his eyes and then he moves his game piece one row down. I knew he wasn't that close to overtaking me. "This is nice," Winston tells me and he smiles down at the board. "I always wanted to play a board game with someone."</p>
<p>I stare at him and he looks up looking embarrassed. "I just didn't have many friends. And no siblings so... I was just kind of stuck with doing puzzles." he explains to me as he rolls his dice. Four. He moves his game piece four places forward. </p>
<p>"I never had the patience for puzzles," I say. Pieces would always get lost or I'll lose interest and I'd stop after half an hour. It wouldn't even be complicated puzzles, just simple ones for kids.</p>
<p>It's my turn to roll the dice. Two. I land on a snake and I groan. </p>
<p>"All the way down baby," Winston says and my heart skips a beat but he doesn't seem to notice as he sits there grinning to himself. </p>
<p>I move my piece down and about three dice rolls later, Winston wins the game.</p>
<p>"I still think you cheated," I tease him and he laughs.</p>
<p>"I have to be good at <em>something</em>," he tells me as he starts putting the game back in the box. Trist him to bring a board game to college.</p>
<p>I stare at him. "So you<em> did </em>cheat?"</p>
<p>Winston laughs again and shrugs as he slides the box back under his bed. "You weren't looking, what did you expect me to do?" He says and he leans his head back against his bed as he stays smiling at me. "I wasn't gonna let you win."</p>
<p>Okay, so I guess I can give him a pass. Just this time.</p>
<p>We sit on the floor in silence for a while, facing each other with our backs against our beds.</p>
<p>Then Winston clears his throat and sighs. "Benny said I was clingy and annoying," he tells me sadly and he starts chewing his bottom lip. "Do you think I am?"</p>
<p>I scoff. If anyone's annoying, it would be Benny. The kid hasn't played a minute this season and he acts like the team wouldn't be able to cope without him. I think his ego is just big from hanging around with Big Ben for too long.</p>
<p>"You could never be annoying," I tell him and he sighs. "And I'm your roommate. So I think my opinion matters a lot in this argument."</p>
<p>Winston breaks into a wide grin. "Yeah... Yeah, it does."</p>
<p>We just sit there, staring into space. How could Benny say that? He must know that Winston already worries about not having any friends, he wouldn't say that to him if he really loved him.</p>
<p>Winston nudges my thigh with his foot and I snap out of it. </p>
<p>"I think I'm just gonna go to bed," he tells me and he looks me in the eye. "I'm just... really tired after today."</p>
<p>Does he want my permission to go to bed? "Okay?" I say and he still remains looking at me. Was I supposed to say something else?</p>
<p>But then he looks away and starts to get up from the floor. "So, erm... Goodnight. I guess."</p>
<p>"Yeah," I say and I pull myself up to sit on my own bed too. "Night."</p>
<p>He starts undressing for bed and it's weird if I just keep sitting there or if I go to sleep too. So I just stand up and grab some cleans clothes from my closet.</p>
<p>"I'm gonna take a shower," I tell him. It could do me good, especially after falling asleep in a pile of homework.</p>
<p>Winston turns to me just as he takes his shirt off. "Okay."</p>
<p>He smiles at me as I walk past.</p>
<p>Yeah, a shower would do me good. A cold one.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you for always commenting and supporting all my fan fics :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. If He Didn't Have To Leave</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter Twelve</strong>
</p><p>"It's like... I want to be his friend. But I don't know if we can be just friends," I say and then I sigh. "I don't even know if he feels the same. I mean, what if-"</p><p>"You know, this would be much easier for <em>all</em> of us if you stopped being a pussy and you told him how you felt," Scott cuts me off.</p><p>He's making dinner for Melanie while I'm helping him out by cutting up the onions. My eyes keep watering but I don't stop talking. I think he's had enough of me. And this is only the beginning, I'm going to be staying with him over winter break.</p><p>"I can't tell him," I say and Scott groans as he seasons the chicken. "He<em> just</em> broke up with Benny like last week. He needs some time, I can't just drop this all on him now."</p><p>Winston is dealing with the breakup in his own way. Luckily, we played our last football match two days ago and now I won't be seeing Benny anymore. </p><p>"No one pisses me off like you do," Scott sighs and then he puts down the knife and turns to me. "Monty, just fucking tell him."</p><p>But I can't do that. It's unfair to tell him now that he's just starting to get over Benny. I shake my head. "I'll tell him later," I say and by 'later' I mean when I feel like it.</p><p>Scott rolls his eyes at me and picks the knife back up. I hope this isn't a new method of persuasion that he's trying. </p><p>"Okay," Scott says. "But don't come crying to me when he comes back with a new boyfriend after the winter break."</p><p>I scoff. As if Winston would get over Benny that quickly. </p><p>***</p><p>Winston said he had some shit to deal with so I wasn't expecting him to be in our room when I came back from Scott's. I think it was something to do with Benny but I didn't ask.</p><p>But when I walk in, he's stood in front of his mirror and he's wearing... half a hoodie? It's like a hoodie but the bottom part is chopped off exposing his abs.</p><p>I stop and stare and Winston stares back. "What? Does it look bad?" he asks and he starts chewing on his bottom lip. </p><p>"No! No, of course not," I say and I close the door behind me when I snap out of it. He couldn't look bad in anything even if he tried.</p><p>I take one last look at him and then I walk over to my bed so he doesn't think I'm weird by staring at him.</p><p>"I, erm, I'm going out," he tells me and then he sees the disappointed look on my face. "No, not to see Benny. Just... a party."</p><p>"Oh," I say and I sit down on my bed. A party. Is he trying to move on from Benny? Find someone new perhaps?</p><p>"You should come. With me," Winston then says and he smiles nervously. He stands in front of the mirror and he waits for my answer. I can see his back dimples in the mirror and I get distracted. "What do you think?"</p><p>"Uh, sure. It could be fun," I say and he grins. Fun? Parties never turn out well for us. For Winston especially. </p><p>"I got you something by the way," Winston then says and he walks over to his bed. I watch as he takes a gift bag out from under his bed and his passes it to me with a smile.</p><p>It's a Christmas gift and I look inside the bag. A puzzle?</p><p>"It's, erm... Movie night didn't work out so well. So I thought we could have game night instead?" Winston says and he shifts from foot to foot. Game night?</p><p>I look up at him and then I pull the box out of the bag. Two thousand puzzle pieces of a picture of the Eiffel tower. </p><p>I don't say anything and Winston takes that as an opportunity to ramble. "You said you couldn't finish puzzles and I'm good at it so I thought-"</p><p>"Yeah, it's a great idea," I say and I put the box back in the bag. "Could be fun. So when are we going to the party?"</p><p>Winston goes back to the mirror and looks at himself again. "Erm, in an hour?" he says and then he starts chewing on his lip again. "You don't think this looks bad? I don't know... It just-"</p><p>"You look good," I tell him as he starts pulling on his cropped hoodie. "Stop stressing, you really do look... Good." I realise that I may be overdoing it and Winston blushes and looks down at his feet. </p><p>"Erm, I should shower," I say. I put the gift bag on my bed and I stand up. Winston nods. Why are we acting like this around each other?</p><p>***</p><p>This time I stay with Winston and I don't go over to the football team even when Noah calls me over. I think this is like a Christmas party, the last party before we go home for Winter break.</p><p>Winston was anxious about his top at first especially when Benny and some of his football friends rolled their eyes at him but then the girls saw him and that seemed to make him happy. He's sat with Noah's girlfriend, Cassie, and some of her friends now, I recognise Melanie among them.</p><p>"You're doing that thing again," Scott says and he puts his hand on my shoulder. He only went to get us some drinks and he passes one of the cups to me.</p><p>"What thing?" I ask him and I finally look away from Winston who is being fawned over by the girls.</p><p>Scott sits down on the armchair of the couch and I stand in front of him. He raises an eyebrow. "You know what thing," he says but I just look confused. Scott sighs. "That thing where you zone out and stare at Winston like he's the only person in the room. If you don't stop soon he might start to realise."</p><p>I didn't even know I was doing that but if Scott says I was... I need to be more careful. I know that Benny keeps glancing over in his direction but I haven't seen Winston look back all night.</p><p>"So when are you planning on telling him?" Scott asks me and I shrug. He might look like he's over Benny, but I don't know if he's ready to jump right into another relationship. "I'm gonna call him over in a minute and tell him myself."</p><p>I roll my eyes. "Fine, I'll... I'll tell him after," I say and my stomach twists at the thought. How do I tell him? <em>What </em>do I tell him?</p><p>Scott leaves that topic alone then and we talk about baseball and football for a few minutes until Melanie joins us. </p><p>"Winston seems nice. I can see why you like him," Melanie says and Scott puts her arm around her. I turn around to look to where Winston was sitting before but he's not there anymore. The girls are just sat by themselves.</p><p>"Where did he go?" I ask Melanie and Scott rolls his eyes.</p><p>"Bathroom," Melanie tells me but then I search the room again and I see that Benny is no longer around. Bathroom, huh?</p><p>"I, erm, I've gotta do something," I tell Scott and his girlfriend but they're too busy staring at each other to even pay attention to me when I walk away.</p><p>Okay but now the hard part is finding the bathroom. I walk around aimlessly, bumping into people, muttering apologies. I ask some girl where the bathroom is but Winston isn' there. He's not in the one upstairs either. I'm about to give up when I hear his voice down the corridor.</p><p>I walk a few steps forward as to not give myself away in case he's there with... Benny is stood opposite him but neither of them can see me hopefully. </p><p>Winston looks mad, arms crossed over his chest and eyebrows furrowed. It looks like Benny is trying to apologise.</p><p>"Baby, please," Benny says and when he takes a step towards Winston, he takes one back. "The guys... they would-"</p><p>"The guys would <em>what?</em>" Winston cuts him off and Benny presses his lips together. "The guys wouldn't... You just use them as an excuse every fucking time."</p><p>Winston still hasn't told me how their break up went and what happened but he was upset and that's all I needed to know that Benny fucked up. And now it seems like Benny is trying to amend. I hope Winston stands his ground.</p><p>"No, I-" Benny groans and he just stares at Winston. "I didn't mean what I said. I really didn't. And I... I'm not embarrassed to be seen with you."</p><p>Winston shakes his head. "You <em>did</em> mean what you said. We both know that," he says sadly and he looks down at his feet. "We've never even... All we did was fuck and sleep and... We never actually had a real conversation. You never asked me about my day, my family, my anything. It was all just-"</p><p>"You didn't ask about me either," Benny says. </p><p>I listen to them arguing for a minute or two but I don't really pat attention. Winston said Benny never asked him about anything, but I did. I fucking did. Benny has no room to talk.</p><p>I'm too busy celebrating my small victory over Benny in my head to notice that they ended their conversation and now Winston is heading my way. I have nowhere to hide, I just walk out from behind the corner and block Winston's way.</p><p>He stares at me and then he looks back to where Benny is standing. "Were you... Were you listening to our conversation?"</p><p>"Huh? No, I just came to look for you," I tell him pretending to be clueless. He seems to believe it. "I was just gonna... Tell you that I think I should head back home. So..."</p><p>I start walking away and Winston nods. "Yeah... You know what, me too." He sighs and then he runs his fingers through his hair. "Parties never turn out well for us, do they?"</p><p>I chuckle lightly. "No, they don't."</p><p>We would have had a better time just sitting alone in our room making the puzzle.</p><p>***</p><p>Winston finally decides to tell me a little about Benny. </p><p>"I mean, I'm really not sure," he says as he puts some fries in his mouth. We got McDonald's on the way when we realised that we were both hungry. I paid even though Winston wanted to. I have a job and I don't want to feel like I'm depending on him.</p><p>"Did it <em>feel</em> like love?" We're walking home again. We know that we could afford an uber or a bus or whatever but for some reason, we prefer walking home together. </p><p>Winston shrugs and sighs. "I really don't know. It's not like I've ever loved anyone before," he tells me and then he turns to me. "What about you? Have you ever... Been in love?"</p><p>He starts grinning and he raises his eyebrows playfully. I roll my eyes. "I didn't have time for anything but football and baseball. So... Does that answer your question?"</p><p>It's true, I can't remember doing anything in high school that wasn't related to the team. I was just trying to better myself, find a way out. It wasn't about fun for me, I needed to be good in order to get away from everyone. I guess it worked out in the end.</p><p>Winston sighs. "I think it was just the sex, you know? I think I just got attached," he tells me and then he laughs softly to himself. </p><p>I shrug. "Yeah, actually I wouldn't know." Winston looks at me confused, he tilts his head to the side and then his eyes widen. </p><p>"Oh. <em>Oh</em>," he says and he blushes. "You mean you never..."</p><p>I roll my eyes. I knew it was embarrassing. "Yeah, yeah. Laugh all you want." I look down at my feet and Winston scoffs.</p><p>"No, I'm not laughing. It's not... I think it's kinda cute actually," he tells me and when I look up he's smiling at me. "I just assumed, you know? It's not like you're unattractive."</p><p>"Mhm," I say and I run my fingers through my hair. I don't really want to talk about it. Like I said, I didn't have time for anything other than football in high school.</p><p>Winston seems to sense that I don't want to carry on the topic. "So yeah... Benny. I get attached way too easily man. I got attached to you." And there it is, the conversation goes back to me.</p><p>I stare at him. "To me?" How could he get attached to <em>me? </em>I don't think I've ever met anyone who wanted to be around me. At least in high school. But I was a different person then. I was scared, angry and surrounded by a lot of people who weren't helping me better myself.</p><p>Winston looks slightly embarrassed and he sips on his milkshake."Yeah, I just... Like I said, I wasn't expecting you to be nice to me," he says and he smiles to himself. "But then you listened to me vent about my classes, you asked about my family and shit like that and I just... I kinda liked it that someone was paying attention to me. I never had that." Benny never paid attention either.</p><p>"Never?" I find it hard to believe that no one ever paid attention to him. His family his friends, anyone who ever met him? How could they <em>not</em> pay attention to him?</p><p>Winston shakes his head and he finishes the rest of his fries. "My parents weren't around much, they just kinda gave me a big house and a lot of money and said work with it," Winston tells me and I listen patiently. "But, like I said, I don't make friends very easily. So it was just me alone in that house by myself for what seemed like years. My only distraction were 'straight' boys like Benny who just wanted to fuck around."</p><p>I don't really know what to say to that. I always thought being rich was better than, you know, living in my conditions. Maybe I wouldn't even mind the loneliness, it would be better than doing your best to avoid your father every single day.</p><p>Winston realises that he might have overshared and he clears his throat. "I bet you were popular in high school. Did you have a lot of friends?"</p><p>I scoff. My packet of fries is empty and I throw it into the nearest trash can. "Hardly," I tell Winston. "I wouldn't call them friends. More like teammates. I helped them out but they never really gave a shit what was going on in my life."</p><p>Winston nods. "And what was going on in your life?"</p><p>Shit. I shouldn't have opened my mouth. I don't want him to look at me like I'm some poor little abused kid. "Just the usual. Nothing special."</p><p>Winston doesn't look like he believes me but he nods. "Aren't we a pair," he sighs and then he shakes his head. He finishes his milkshake but he holds onto the cup as there are no trash cans around. <br/><br/>"Can I ask you something?" I ask him and he nods slowly, he's obviously intrigued by what I have to say. I promised Scott that I'll tell Winston. Maybe I should just do it. "Are you and Benny... Really over?"</p><p>He hesitates and chews on his lip before answering. "Yeah. I'm pretty sure we are," he says and then he sighs. "What a waste of time that was but at least now I can focus on myself."</p><p>Focus on himself. I told Scott, he needs some time to get over Benny before I drag him into another relationship.</p><p>I nod. "Yeah, sounds nice."</p><p>Winston then turns to me after throwing his cup away. "At least one of us is in a healthy relationship."</p><p>I stare at him.. "Me?" He nods. "Alex and I, we're not together."</p><p>Winston looks surprised and his lips part. "Oh. I thought you were," he says and then he looks down at his feet. "So I guess we're both single now."</p><p>"Mhm," I say and I focus on looking straight ahead. He just got out of a relationship and I'm trying to worm my way out of a relationship with Alex, we're not entirely single but we're getting there.</p><p>***</p><p>"What time's your flight?"</p><p>Winston is going to be staying with his parents. He's already got all his stuff packed and a giant bag of dirty laundry. When I wake up tomorrow, he'll probably already be gone and I'll just pack some stuff and go to Scott's. </p><p>I'm stood by my closet, trying to find some comfortable socks to wear. Winston is already in bed.</p><p>"Eight in the morning or something like that," Winston answers as he pulls the duvet over his head. It's only about seven but he needs to wake up early so he's going to sleep now. "Don't worry, I'll try my best not to wake you up."</p><p>I smile. "It's fine if you do, I'll at least be able to say bye to you."</p><p>Winston rolls his eyes but he looks pleased. "It's only three weeks," he says quietly and then he bites down on his bottom lip. "Are you staying with that friend again?"</p><p>I nod and Winston sighs and lays back in his bed. He doesn't turn on his lamp and he doesn't close his eyes, he just stays like that, looking at me. </p><p>"What?" I ask him and he breaks out in a grin.</p><p>"Do you think we could..." he says and he bites his lip. "Do you think we could keep in touch over those three weeks? Like if you're not busy, I'd love to text or call or something."</p><p>So he wants to keep in touch? He said that it's only three weeks but looks like he'll be missing me too. "Sure," I say and he doesn't stop grinning. Then he turns on his side and turns his lamp on.</p><p>"Good night," he says to me and he closes his eyes. I wasn't planning on going to sleep so soon, I'm not even tired but I don't wanna do anything to wake him up. Maybe I could read a book or start on some work while I have the time.</p><p>"Night," I say and then I get into my own bed. I try to read a book, something I threw into my bag at the last minute while I was running away from my dad. I think it was a lecture for Egnlish but I never got around to reading it.</p><p>I understand why, it's really boring. Watching Winston sleep is more entertaining. His bottom lip puffs up whenever he breaths out, I only just noticed. </p><p>I just watch him sleep for a moment. He's so cute, just laying there, hair falling over his eyes. Benny doesn't know what he lost.</p><p>***</p><p>It's early in the morning and I'm trying to sleep but something keeps moving my shoulder. I shrug it off but it doesn't stop. I hear a faint sound in the distance like... Someone calling my name</p><p>"Monty."</p><p>I bury my face further into the pillow and I groan. Hopefully whoever it is will leave me alone.</p><p>"Monty." the voice says again. "I'm leaving now."</p><p>Leaving? Huh?</p><p>I slowly open my eyes and Winston is standing over me, his hand still on my shoulder. He shakes his head when I squint at him. "You're impossible to wake up now but the minute you sense me come into our room you always wake up."</p><p>I rub my eyes and I sigh. "That's because I'm always waiting for you to come back." If I know that he's out, I always try to wait up for him to make sure he gets home safe. He smiles.</p><p>"So, erm. I'm leaving now. To the airport," he says just in case I'm still sleepy and confused. I nod. "So... You wanted to say goodbye?"</p><p>He looks nervous and unsure as if he doesn't know what to expect as a goodbye.</p><p>I smile. "Right," I say and then I open my arms waiting for a hug. "Come 'ere then."</p><p>He hesitates, bites down on his lip and then he leans down and wraps his arms around my neck. I wrap my arms around his slim chest, squeezing hard and he loses his balances and falls on top of me on the bed. He starts laughing and I chuckle softly. I'm too tired to do anything, I just stay like that with my arms around him. </p><p>He smells nice. He buries his face into my shoulder and I catch a whiff of his cologne as I do the same. I only realise that he's wearing a crop top again when I move my hand lower down and I touch his bare back. I absentmindedly trace his back dimples with my fingers and then my hand moves under his shirt to stroke his ribcage with my thumb. I don't even realise that I'm doing it until Winston's body stiffens and his breathing gets deeper.</p><p>I immediately unwrap my arms and I move so that he gets the hint to pull away too. His cheeks are red when he pulls away and he just stays there, looking at me. Fuck, he's straddling me.</p><p>"So..." I say and Winston kicks into motion.</p><p>"Right," he says and he slides off my lap and his feet touch the ground. "Airport."</p><p>He turns away from me, picks up his bags and then walks to the door. He only turns around once he's by the door, holding it half-open.</p><p>I don't say anything but he stares at me like he wants to say something. Maybe a goodbye? But then he just shakes his head and he's out of the door before I know it. What would have happened if he didn't have to leave?</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>End of Part One.</em>
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</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>okay so i hope you liked this and if you couldnt tell, things between wonty are going to change soon :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Cold</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter Thirteen</strong>
</p><p>We talked almost every day. He told me all about his family, his annoying cousins, his whole day. It was like I was there with him. And in return, I told him about my day. We know each other, so why am I nervous to see him all of a sudden? We've only been apart for like three weeks.</p><p>I've had a haircut, my hair is slightly shorter now. A bit more flat, nothing like the spikes I had in high school. Maybe it's for the best.</p><p>I went to work, hung out with Scott and his girlfriend and I did some college work. Actually kind of proud of myself for getting so organised. Even if my sleeping schedule got fucked in the meantime.</p><p>I could fall asleep right now but when I walk into my dorm room, Winston is already there waiting to greet me.</p><p>"Happy new year?" he says uncertainly. We've already said that to each other over the phone as we decided to stay up together. Winston fell asleep halfway through our conversation and then he called the next morning to apologise.</p><p>I smile at him and then I yawn immediately after. Winston raises an eyebrow and he sits down on his bed.</p><p>"Jesus, we had three weeks off and you still didn't get any sleep?" he asks and I laugh. I was just so busy with everything. Busy trying to avoid Alex.</p><p>"Something like that," I say and I collapse face-first on my bed. I groan softly. "God I missed you," I say and Winston laughs. "Not you, the bed."</p><p>He rolls his eyes and grins. "Right," he says and then he looks down at his feet. "So was Alex's bed uncomfortable?"</p><p>"Just a bit," I answer and I chuckle lightly. I spent boxing day with Alex. Scott and Melanie were having some friends over so I went to meet Alex. We went to a party, I got fucked up, I slept over at his house and...</p><p>"Hmm," Winston says and he nods. I sigh softly and press my face into the mattress. I really did miss this bed.</p><p>"The fridge is empty," Winston reminds me. We- I mean, <em>he</em> emptied out our fridge before winter break so nothing would get spoiled. "If you're not tired we could go grocery shopping."</p><p>I am tired. Very tired. But I sit up and I rub my eyes. I sigh sleepily. "Give me five minutes and then we can go."</p><p>Winston grins and he stands up from his bed. "Great. I'll make a list."</p><p>I spend those five minutes telling myself to get out of bed while Winston scribbles and scribbles on that piece of paper. Do we really need that much food? Yeah, maybe we do. I sometimes forget how much I can eat.</p><p>"It's been seven minutes," Winston stands over me and I keep my eyes shut. I really should have taken the winter break to sleep.</p><p>"Seven more minutes," I mumble and Winston scoffs. He might be little but he wraps his arms around my chest and starts to drag me out of bed. I can't help but laugh when he actually manages to move my body and the top half of my body hangs over the bed.</p><p>"Okay okay. I'm going now. Jeez." Winston grins to himself satisfied that he's managed to get me out of bed. He let's go of me and I immediately hit my head on the flooring.</p><p>"Fuck, my bad," Winston says and he stands there with his hand covering his mouth. "Sorry."</p><p>I pretend to glare at him but he breaks out in a grin. "You're lucky we're friends," I say and his expression changes for a split second before he's back to smiling. I wouldn't let anyone else drop me on the floor like that. </p><p>I stand by the door and I put my shoes on without untying the laces. Winston is a bit more extra, he puts on his coat, his gloves, his hat and his scarf. I smile down at the ground.</p><p>"What?" Winston asks and he blushes. "It's gonna snow later," he tells me and then he looks me up and down. "Aren't you gonna be cold?" I shake my head and Winston raises an eyebrow. "If you say so..."</p><p>But then after two minutes of walking outside, my hands start to feel cold and I stuff them into my pockets. Winston raises an 'I told you so' eyebrow and I just roll my eyes. It hasn't been snowing but there's frost on the pavement, in some parts it has turned into ice and we have to watch where we step. My shoes have better grip but Winston's shoes are slippery and he almost falls after he steps on an icy part.</p><p>"Careful!" I grab onto his waist and I hold him up so he doesn't fall. He stares down at his feet and curses under his breath. I let go of him and then we resume walking again. Slower this time and Winston stays focused on his feet to make sure he doesn't step on the ice again.</p><p>We walk in silence and my hands turn to ice, my nose freezes and my eyes start to water. I hear Winston laugh at me. "Someone looks cold," he says when I turn to him. I scoff which only makes him grin more. </p><p>No matter how cold my face feels and how frozen my hands are, I still don't admit that I'm feeling cold. When we get to the supermarket, I get a shopping cart and Winston pulls his list out. Usually, I just let him do his shopping and if I ever use anything then I pay him back. Or at least I offer to and he just shrugs and says that it doesn't matter.</p><p>I push the cart around and Winston fills it up with the things on his list like bread, milk, butter. He occasionally mutters under his breath to remind himself what he needs.</p><p>"Tea towels," he says and then I push the cart after him because he immediately speeds off to the aisle with tea towels. </p><p>"Slow down," I tell him and then he spends twenty minutes picking the perfect tea towels because he doesn't like most of the designs. I almost fall asleep while he's picking between the simple black and white one and the one with cats. </p><p>"What do you think?" he asks and he holds them up. </p><p>I hold back a laugh and shrug. "Does it really matter? Both will do the job." They're just tea towels. But then I tilt my head to the side and I notice something. "Hey, Alex has the black and white ones. Or similar ones." I've seen him using them when he made breakfast for me after we...</p><p>Winston nods slowly and then he puts the black and white one away. "I actually like the cats," he tells me and he puts the tea towels in the cart. </p><p>He doesn't say anything else for the remainder of our shopping trip and I feel like I've done something wrong. He can't be this upset over tea towels, right?</p><p>Winston pays and then he picks up two of the shopping bags and leaves one for me. I stare at him. "I can hold that if you-"</p><p>"I've got it," he tells me and he walks on with the two shopping bags in his hands. So I decide to keep my mouth shut because I've obviously annoyed him somehow.</p><p>He starts to struggle with the bags once we get to the icy part of the pavement again but I don't offer to help in case he snaps at me again. But then he steps the wrong way and his foot slips. </p><p>I managed to step forward just in time and wrap my free hand around his lower stomach before pulling him back against me. He blushes and looks down at his shoes like it's their fault.</p><p>"Thanks," he mutters so I loosen my grip on him but he doesn't move. He stays there and he sighs loudly. I take a step to the side and Winston chews on his bottom lip before turning towards me. "Are you and Alex together?"</p><p>I raise my eyebrows at him. Me and Alex? Together? And why does he care? "No, I-What?" I stare at him. Where did he even get that from? "We're just friends."</p><p>Winston just shakes his head lightly and laughs. "Right. Yeah. Obviously," he says and then he starts walking again. This time he's being careful to avoid the ice. I stay a few steps back.</p><p>***</p><p>"No, it's<em> your</em> turn," Winston argues with me when I lay down in my bed and pull the covers over my head. I groan but Winston is persistent. "I washed them last time."</p><p>"You don't know that, that was weeks ago," I try to convince him but he shakes his head. Who even wants to wash dishes? Why can't we get paper plates and just throw them out after every use?</p><p>Winston pulls at the covers to expose my face and I grunt. "You're washing the dishes," he tells me. "I cooked and now-"</p><p>I stare at him and he breaks into a grin. "Fuck off, 'cooked'. Yeah right," I say. He put a pizza in the microwave and called it 'cooking'. I push him lightly and he laughs. "Fine, I'll do the dishes but you're gonna have to help."</p><p>Winston agrees reluctantly and once I get out of bed, I roll my sleeves up while Winston runs the hot water for the dishes. </p><p>"I'll dry and put them away," he says and he takes one of the new tea towels. There's not much to wash, just two plates, a knife and two glasses. I've got it easy. </p><p>Winston leans against the counter as I wash the dishes with a brand new sponge. They're not even dirty, they just have crumbs on them and all you'd need to do is wipe the crumbs off. But Winston is watching me carefully and making sure that I clean them properly. Once we finish with the plates, I move onto the glasses.</p><p>I get this weird feeling that Winston is working up the courage to tell me something as he keeps eyeing me up and down and sighing. I glance at him and he immediately looks away.</p><p>"Okay, spit it out," I say and I pass the wet glass to him. He takes it from me and avoids eye contact as he dries it. "Winston."</p><p>"It's nothing," he says quickly and then he turns away from me to put the glass away in the cupboard. He doesn't turn back around. I go back to washing the other glass and then Winston slowly turns back towards me. </p><p>"I like-" he says and then he pauses and takes a deep breath. His eyes travel down my body and he doesn't finish his sentence. I raise an eyebrow.</p><p>"You like what?" I ask him and he looks up to meet my eyes. I put the clean glass on the counter but Winston doesn't move to pick it up.</p><p>"I like Alex," Winston then blurts out and I freeze in place. I'm not sure what to do or say. "T-that's why I got upset about you... and him before," he explains and it's slowly starting to make sense. Why he always wanted to know if I'd be hanging out with Alex, why he got mad whenever I mentioned Alex. He was jealous.</p><p>And this whole time I thought that maybe...</p><p>"Oh," I say and I can't hide the disappointment in my voice. I turn back to the sink and I quickly wash the knife before putting it aside and wiping my hands on the other tea towel.</p><p>Winston has to dry the dishes so he stays in the kitchen while I sit on my bed and I chew on my bottom lip. </p><p>Fuck.</p><p>I thought everything was going so well for us. I thought... Obviously I thought wrong. But I do have one advantage, I know that Alex isn't into Winston in the slightest. I don't care if it's mean, I'm glad that Alex doesn't like Winston. </p><p>Winston comes back in the room a long while after when I'm laying in my bed and texting Scott to let him know what happened. I don't even look past my phone screen but I can see Winston standing by his desk.</p><p>"Clearly you really like Alex," Winston mutters and he looks around the room. </p><p>'No, I like <em>you</em>, you fucking idiot,' I want to say but I can't risk making us fall out again. Imagine how awkward it would be this time to live together and be avoiding each other.</p><p>I just grunt in response. Do I like Alex? As a friend, yes, he's alright. But I can't imagine dating him. </p><p>"I'm not gonna... get between you two," Winston adds. Yeah, the last thing I need is to see him and Alex together. </p><p>"How kind of you," I say and I put my phone down to see Winston looking at me with a crestfallen expression. </p><p>"I didn't mean to upset you," Winston says and I laugh lightly.</p><p>"I'm not upset," I tell him. Just annoyed that I went through all that bullshit just to have him tell me that he likes Alex. I'd prefer it if it was Benny at this point because I at least know that Winston loves or loved him.</p><p>Winston nods but he looks like he doesn't fully believe me. "I-"</p><p>"I'm tired," I interrupt him and he stops almost immediately. I should have gone to sleep long ago but instead, I stayed up just to go shopping with him. I regret it now. </p><p>So now I just lay my head on the pillow, I close my eyes and I try to ignore the fact that Winston is stood watching me from the doorway. Does he want something still? Maybe he wants me to set him up with Alex.</p><p>If he asked, I know that I'd still do it because... Fuck. I just want what's best for him. </p><p>I hear the sound of footsteps retreating and then when I open my eyes, Winston has left the room.</p><p>***</p><p>I woke up with a splitting headache and a stuffy nose. I wouldn't stop sneezing throughout all my lesson and by the time lunch comes around, I'm a mess of tissues and watery eyes.</p><p>"And you came to school why?" Noah asks when he sits beside me at lunch. He's in some of my lessons and he's witnessed firsthand my slow progression from just sneezing to having a full-on cold. I really should have listened to Winston when he told me to dress properly.</p><p>I came to school because Winston was sleeping when I woke up and I couldn't be in the same room as him for long. I needed to leave.</p><p>"Winson likes Alex," I then say out of nowhere and I take a drink from my water bottle to soothe my throat. Noah sits there and he stares at me. He doesn't know that I like Winston, he still thinks that there's something going on between me and Alex. Probably because Alex tells his sister everything and then Cassie blurts everything to Noah. Gotta love relationships.</p><p>He slightly raises one eyebrow. "Winston and Alex?" he asks slowly like he's trying to picture it together. If he wants, I can describe one of the dreams I had about them. They sure made it all seem too real.</p><p>I nod and then I try to take a bite out of my bacon sandwich but it tastes like soggy toilet paper. I spit it right back out and I wipe my tongue with the back of my hand.</p><p>"Dude..." Noah says at the lack of my manners and he looks around. "Suddenly I miss my girlfriend." Right, Cassie and Alex are on some family thing today so they're not around. Which means Noah and I can pair up as we're both lonely. </p><p>I'd prefer talking to Scott because I know that he'd give me some actual advice. He wanted to talk after I sent him those texts last night but I fell asleep before I could read his replies. And now I can't see him anywhere so...</p><p>"Wait, so is it like a love triangle kinda thing now?" Noah asks me and he raises his eyebrows.</p><p>I glare at him. "No, you-Fuck. No, it's more like a... Like a line."</p><p>Noah stares at me. "A line?" he repeats and I nod.</p><p>"Yeah..." Alex likes me, I like Winston and Winston likes Alex. No one likes each other back. Am I even making any sense?</p><p>Noah doesn't question my 'line' analogy and he eats his food in silence. I don't blame him, every time I open my mouth I just seem to sound more and more stupid. </p><p>I lose my appetite and I throw the sandwich into the nearest trash can before putting my head on the table and groaning loudly. Being sick isn't fun at all. I should have stayed in my room. Maybe that would have gained me some pity points with Winston. </p><p>"I'm gonna... go," I tell Noah and I stand up shakily. He stares at me with food still hanging out of his mouth.</p><p>"Go where?" he asks and his eyes travel up and down my body. "If you mean home then good call. You look half dead."</p><p>"I <em>feel</em> half-dead," I tell him and with that, I start to walk away. I look around for Scott but he's nowhere to be seen. I'll just... Swing by his house later or something. </p><p>I walk around like a fucking zombie and people glare at me and quickly move away so I don't pass it onto them too. It's just a fucking cold, no need to get all worked up about it.</p><p>I walk around a corner and my eyes are focused on the girl behind me who is giving me a weird look. I should look where I'm going because my chest makes contact with someone else and I have to look up to see who it is.</p><p>"Fuck, you're tall," I mumble instead of apologising and the blonde guy grins at me. At least he's not telling me to watch where I'm going. He must be at least six feet tall and I take a step back so I can look up at his face.</p><p>He's got baby blue eyes and dirty blonde hair that looks like it doesn't need to be styled to be perfect. I realise that I'm not saying anything and I hold my hand out to introduce myself. Hopefully, he doesn't mind the germs.</p><p>"Monty," I say and he smiles before shaking my hand.</p><p>"Charlie," he says and I find myself smiling too.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>sorry for the long wait, don't really have an excuse for why it wasn't updated quicker but ill try better now<br/>hopefully, you enjoyed this chapter?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Flu Medicine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter Fourteen</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"The minute I see you I am going to smash your fucking head in you- Ughh, God! You stupid fucker! If you don't tell him how you feel right this second I am going to-" </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <b>Beep.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That one voicemail from Scott was enough to convince me to go talk to him. He spends his mornings at the gym now training for baseball season so I know where to look for him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It snowed overnight and there weren't that many people around, no one wants to go to the gym when it's below thirty degrees outside.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He's got his earphones in and he's on the treadmill but he stops it once he sees me. He rips his earphones out of his ears. "</span>
  <em>
    <span>You</span>
  </em>
  <span>-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I got the voicemail, I don't need a repeat of it," I quickly cut in and Scott rolls his eyes. Then he sees that I'm looking rather sick so he forgets all about telling me off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I'm not getting any better and Winston is getting annoyed with me. He told me to take a day off or two just until I start feeling better but he needs to understand that I have things to do. I can't lay in bed all day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then Scott sighs and shakes his head at me. “He likes Alex?” he asks and I nod. I’ve been replaying his words in my head over and over again until I had the whole conversation memorised. Whatever, I hope Alex can make him happy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Does he at least know that you like him?” Scott asks and I shake my head. I don’t see the point in confusing him any further. Or ruining our whole friendship. Scott glares at me and mutters something under his breath. “You two- Idiots. Both of you.” He puts one of his earphones back in and he starts the treadmill again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I don’t have the energy to exercise and my muscles ache from being ill anyway. But I’m not gonna leave Scott and I really don’t wanna go back to my room where Winston will probably be waiting with that disgusting flu medicine. No one wants to drink that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I wish it could just be me and Scott and I could rant about Winston. I can’t force him to like me back but I’m still annoyed that all this time I actually thought that I stood a chance. It’s not his fault though. Unfortunately, our conversation gets interrupted by Alex.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought I’d find you here,” I hear him say and both Scott and I turn to see him enter the gym. He’s smiling nervously at me. Yeah, it’s really awkward after that last time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Scott raises his eyebrows at me but Alex can’t see him, he’s still standing by the door and I have to leave Scott behind and walk over to Alex. “Hey,” I say and Alex looks back towards the exit. I don’t even know how to act around him now that I know that Winston likes him. What does he even like about him? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to get breakfast together?” he asks and I’m surprised that he’s still willing to talk to me after what happened on boxing day. I may have been so drunk that I finally got the courage to sleep with him. But then the alcohol actually did more harm than good, I was in the middle of taking his clothes off when I vomited all over the bed. It was so fucking embarrassing even though Alex told me that it was okay.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I…” I say and I gesture back to Scott. Hopefully, that will be good enough of an excuse for Alex to leave me alone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was actually hoping that we could talk,” Alex says more confidently and I can already feel my palms sweating. “You know… About what happened?” But what’s there to say?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t… see this going anywhere,” I say before I can change my mind and Alex frowns at me looking all confused. I sigh. “I don’t see </span>
  <em>
    <span>us </span>
  </em>
  <span>working out.” Sure, he kind of helped me figure out my sexuality but… I don’t really see myself with Alex. It’s better for everyone if I just end it as soon as I can.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stares at me and then he laughs nervously. “If this is about what happened-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not,” I say. It’s about Winston liking him and me liking Winston. It’s about me not liking Alex. Of course I’m not gonna tell him that. “I just… like you as a friend.” And then Alex finally seems to understand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” he says and he nods slowly. “Right. Erm. See you around then.” And with that, he leaves the gym and me behind. I feel bad. Terrible actually. But at least I don’t have to lead him on anymore. Fuck, nothing is going like I want it to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That was painful to watch,” Scott comments once I walk back over to him. I roll my eyes at him and I get on the treadmill next to him. Might as well do something useful with my time. “So what now?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean?” I ask and I start to turn the speed up. Not too high, I don’t have the energy for that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Scott slows his treadmill down and he tries to catch his breath. “You know. Are you just gonna sit back and wait for him to get with Winston now?” Well, yeah. That was kind of the plan? Scott curses under his breath when I don’t answer. “God, you’re so fucking stupid sometimes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, what do you think I should do then? If you’re so intelligent,” I scoff and Scott chuckles lightly at the fact that he’s managed to piss me off so easily. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Monty, just talk to him,” Scott says so I say that I will. I will.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I don’t see Winston until the evening and the first thing he does is ask me if I want to get started on the puzzle. Of course, I say yes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>We sit on the floor in silence but only because we’re too focused on the task to even think about conversation. Then I hear Winston sigh.  "You're meant to start with the frame," he tells me and I look up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Huh?" I'm just trying to match as many pieces to each other as I can. I look in front of Winston and he's got half a rectangle frame formed. Oh, of course, I can't even do puzzles right.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Winston sees the frustration on my face. "It's okay y-you just keep going and I'll do the frame," he tells me and he offers me a smile. He's acting so sweet around me completely oblivious to the fact that I hate seeing his face every day. No, actually I love seeing his face every day but... It hurts knowing that he wants Alex.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I broke up with Alex. Or whatever. We weren't even dating," I mutter quietly. I've been meaning to do it for a while now but I didn't have the balls to do it. I knew that I had to do it now, let Alex go so Winston can... Be happy. I want him to be happy even if it's not with me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh," Winston says and he looks pleased like I knew he would be.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So you can... Date him or whatever." I add and I find another puzzle that matches with the section I'm doing. I attach it and when I look up, Winston is frowning. What? The puzzle pieces fit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I raise one eyebrow at him and he sighs and rubs his hands up and down his hands. He stays like that, knees tucked into his chest, head in his hands and he starts tugging at his hair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Are you... okay?" I ask. I just told him that he was free to date the guy that he likes and he's acting like I just told him that Alex died. He doesn't answer my question and I think I see what's going on. "Oh. If you're too shy to talk to him I could maybe..." I trail off when Winston starts to laugh. Now I'm completely lost. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s really sweet of you but I don’t want to date Alex,” he says and I stare at him. He likes him and they’re both single so what’s the problem now? Then I sniffle again and wipe my nose with my sleeve and Winston shakes his head. “You should really rest,” he says, moving the conversation away from Alex. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I roll my eyes. I can’t rest, I have an important maths exam coming up soon and I don’t want them to cancel my scholarship or whatever, I’ll just need to suck it up for now. It’s just a cold. “I’m fine,” I say but Winston doesn’t agree.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I really think you should see a doctor. I could go with you,” he offers and I scoff and I get back to my puzzle. At least putting puzzle pieces together is easier than trying to figure Winston out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t really… afford a doctor,” I say quietly and Winston is smart enough to know not to offer to pay or some shit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay… So how about a med student?” he suggests and I immediately think back to the time that he was ill. He said something that night but that was a long time ago.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine. Really,” I say and I clear my throat and I look across to his piece of the puzzle. “I think that goes there,” I say and I gently slide the small part of the puzzle that I did into his frame. Winston helps me attach the two together and it fits. Then we lean back and we look at the piece. It's not anywhere near getting done, but that doesn't mean that we're not making progress. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I sniffle again and Winston looks up at me and he bites his lip. "Okay, you know what? You look like shit, you really need to sleep." he says and he stands up before I can argue with him. I really don't feel like going to bed, I still need to go over some stuff for the exam and I don’t have much time with work still being a thing and all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Winston is already pulling at my arms, trying to get me to stand up. "You'll hurt yourself," I tease him and then I stand up to make his job easier. "Do I at least have permission to shower or do I need to go straight to bed?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He rolls his eyes. "Go. Just be quick," he says so I just grab my clothes and clean underwear and I walk past him and into the bathroom.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It's no fun showering while being ill, I'd rather take a hot bath but I don't have the patience to wait for the bathtub to fill up. I don't even wash my hair, I washed it a few days ago and it's not greasy yet so what's the point?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When I come out of the bathroom, fully dressed with slightly damp hair, Winston is finishing up cleaning the puzzle. The part that we have put together is under his desk, out of the way.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He smiles at me when I walk past and get straight into bed. Actually I just lay down on it and then Winston sighs and he pulls the covers out from underneath me and tucks me in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sees my face like I'm about to make fun of him, because I am. "You did it for me too, remember?" he says so I decide to let it go and once I'm comfortable, Winston sits on the edge of my bed. He sits where the pillows are so that his thighs are close to my head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Why don't you like having people take care of you?" he asks after a brief pause and I close my eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I shrug. "I don't know. I've just never… had anyone take care of me." Okay, not entirely true. Scott and Diego and sometimes even the coach took care of me to make sure that I was okay. But none of them tucked me into bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So I'm your first, huh?" he jokes and then he clears his throat and quickly changes the topic. "You're really overworking yourself. You know that, right?" Of course he'd think that, he's doing photography or art or something so it's like he has to stay up late revising.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I have to," I say simply and I sigh. They don't give out scholarships to just anyone and I don't want to mess this up, I really don't. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His hand gently touches the side of my head and he slowly starts to run his fingers through my hair. This is the type of thing I never got. Affection. My father raised me to be someone who didn't need to depend on anyone but himself. He taught me how to be independent and how to be a 'man', something that destroyed me for years because I couldn't be myself around him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I keep my eyes shut and I let his fingertips brush over my skin. "I just don't want to… see you like this. All exhausted and everything."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I laugh softly. "It's college, what did you expect?" I knew it was gonna be hard but it’s better than staying back home and doing some boring job every single day. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Winston doesn't reply but he doesn't stop playing with my hair either. My forehead is now touching his thigh and he's so warm… Fuck, I better not fall asleep with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Just take better care of yourself," he says and he stops touching me. It feels wrong the second his hand leaves my hair. "I was like this once, prepared so hard for an exam that in the end I failed it because I was exhausted. My parents were so mad that I failed French."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You know French?" There's a lot I could get from that, but I'd rather not make him uncomfortable by asking about his family or whatever.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"A bit, yeah," he says and I open my eyes to see that he's looking down at his nails. "My parents forced me to take it for a few years."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So I do what everyone else does when you learn that someone can speak a different language. "Say something in French," I say and I nudge his knee. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He chuckles quietly and then he pauses as he thinks of what to say. I wait and I'm already falling asleep. Then he moves his leg and clears his throat. "Okay… um. J’ai le béguin pour toi."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What does it mean?" I ask sleepily after hearing him mutter something. French always sounded like gibberish to me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It means," he says and then he stands up.  "Go to sleep because it's late." I groan quietly and I pull the pillow that he was just sat on closer to me. Maybe I could use some sleep after all. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Night,” I mumble and then the lights go out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Goodnight.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Winston is gonna be so mad when he wakes up and realises that I’m not in bed anymore. I woke up in the middle of the night and then I couldn’t fall asleep so I just went to the library to study for that test. I never would have done this when I was in high school, I would have slept in and not given a shit about any exam. But now I actually have to work hard if I want to stay here and keep living this life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I’m so tired that nothing is going into my head and I’m starting to think that maybe Winston was right. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good to see I’m not the only idiot working my ass off at five in the morning,” I hear someone say and when I turn around, I see that it’s Charlie. I’ve only spoken to him a few times since I met him so we’re not really friends but we could be.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The lack of sleep has made me forget how conversations work and I just sit there staring at him. He clears his throat. “Can I sit?” He gestures to the chair next to me and I nod. It’s not like I’m studying anyway.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maths,” he mutters and raises his eyebrows when he glances at my textbook. “I’m useless at it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too,” I admit and he laughs. He’s got this thing about him, it’s so easy to just get along with him. I glance at him and then I close my textbook. He smiles at me, the same way he smiled at me the first time I saw him. I wish there was some kind of giveaway to be able to tell whether a guy is gay or not, it would help out a lot. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Especially now when Charlie is reaching over to touch my textbook and his fingers just brush past my hand. He looks down at the textbook and I know that I’m overthinking, he’s just interested in the book. In maths? Really? Who am I trying to kid?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I clear my throat and he immediately looks up. Nothing against Charlie, but I just don’t think I’m looking for anything right now. Not after the disappointment with Winston and the disaster with Alex.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, I just really need to… Get some rest,” I say and I stand up after grabbing my book from the table. Charlie nods and he stands up to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” he says and he then takes the book out of my hands. “But I’m not letting you walk back alone in the state you’re in.” He looks me up and down and I have no choice but to agree.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I don’t even think that I look that bad until we walk past a window and I notice the dark circles under my eyes, the red nose and the weird sickly shade of my skin. Fuck, I hate winter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>My throat has started to hurt now so I’m glad that Charlie is talking the whole way that he walks me to my dorm room. I just nod, agree and hum along and that keeps him happy. At some point, he says that he’d love to hang out and he asks for my phone number. I don’t see the harm in hanging out with him so we exchange phone numbers and then we finally reach my room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well good thing is you didn’t pass out on me,” he jokes and I chuckle but I really </span>
  <em>
    <span>do</span>
  </em>
  <span> feel like passing out right now. I’m lightheaded and exhausted and I just want to go to bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. Thanks for… this,” I say and then he gives the textbook to me. He just shrugs. Says that it’s no big deal and then he doesn’t offer to walk me inside because that’s weird. As soon as he disappears around the corner, I walk into my room and I’m glad to see that Winston is still sleeping. Or not.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where… where have you been?” he asks me sleepily and I realise that I just woke him up by closing the door. I stay where I am and Winston frowns seeing that I’m fully dressed. “For fuck’s sake…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m going straight to bed,” I try to convince him and he sighs and lays back in his bed. “Promise.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Winston still isn’t satisfied even when I go to sit in my bed. “What’s it gonna take to convince you to stay in bed all day?” he asks and I lay down and pull the covers over my shoulders. I still have work, class and an exam to revise for.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I don’t reply and then seconds later I hear the squeak of his bed. My eyes are closed but they immediately snap open when I feel the covers being lifted up and then Winston nudging my shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Move up,” he says and I try to ignore how hot I feel. Goddamn fever.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I shift closer to the wall and then I lick my dry lips. “What are you doing?” He’s not supposed to be in my bed, he’s not supposed to be so close to me and his head is definitely not supposed to be laying on the same pillow as my head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Making sure you don’t get out of bed,” he says quietly and once he’s finally settled down, he pulls the covers over both of us and wraps his arms around my chest. “We’re gonna sleep today,” he decides and I pray to all the gods in the world that he can’t feel my rapid heartbeat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This is wrong, friends shouldn’t be doing this and I’m just getting my hopes up. But I don’t care, I’m not gonna apologize for liking him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m gonna make you ill,” I say but it’s just an excuse to get him out of my bed. I want this but it’s… scary. And isn’t he supposed to like Alex?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good. Then we’ll lay in bed until both of us get better,” he decides and he moves closer to me. The bed isn’t really that big, I have no idea how both of us even managed to fit without being too close to each other.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We might have to push our beds together though,” I say and I hope that he knows that I’m just joking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He laughs and I relax a little. “Yeah, I’m already close to falling off,” he admits and then he shifts and his chest is touching my back. I spoke too soon, </span>
  <em>
    <span>now</span>
  </em>
  <span> we’re too close. Friends don’t do this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But it’s so easy for Winston to just lay there and pretend that this is fine. Maybe he does this with all his friends. I don’t know, I’ve slept in the same bed as my friends before but we were never this close because they knew how much I hated being touched. But with Winston, I don’t mind.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>sorry it took so long to update and sorry if there are any mistakes, im really sick so my brain is like half dead unfortunately<br/>hope you enjoyed this :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. That's My Roommate</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter Fifteen</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I knew that falling asleep with Winston was a bad idea. Why? I haven't woken up with a boner since junior year. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Getting out of bed without disturbing Winston is difficult. He's got one arm and one leg around me and I gently have to pry him away. And just when I take a moment to study his face and the way the hair falls over his eyes, he mumbles Benny's name and that's enough to get me to get out of bed. Fucking Benny.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I leave him in my bed and I go to shower. I'm feeling slightly better even if my nose is blocked. I have to shower quickly and quietly to make sure I don't wake Winston up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>No classes today, I could sleep in but not when he's in my bed. Luckily Charlie seems to want to see me so I'm not gonna be sitting around all day. A distraction seems nice. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wants to meet up at the park. Out in the cold. I'm not keen on the idea and going back to bed seems nice. Until Winston stirs again and he takes up the whole bed. Not gonna be sleeping on top of him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I may have borrowed Winston's scarf. It's his fault, he told me to dress warm and I don't exactly have a collection of scarves and gloves like he does. My hands are freezing but my neck feels warm and I have to admit that Winston may have the right idea about me dressing warm. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Seems like Charlie isn't the only one who wants to hang out at the park, there's a shit ton of people here and the only reason why I notice Charlie is because he's taller than everyone and he's grinning wider than anyone around here. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Got you a hot chocolate," he says and he passes me a cup when I join him. It's good for my freezing fingers. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Thanks," I say and then Charlie sort of puts his hand on my upper back and starts pushing me to walk with him. Okay, that's not what I'm used to. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He's taller than me, something I'm not really familiar with yet and it's awkward to look up as I talk to him. I prefer being at eye level like I am with Winston.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Charlie talks most of the time but that's good, means I don't have to add too much to the conversation.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Hey, you haven't even touched your drink," Charlie says and I notice that I haven't, it's just been keeping my hand warm. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Oh. Right."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Charlie laughs, says that it must be his storytelling skills that have me so distracted. Maybe. Maybe his eyes and smile have something to do with it too. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I down my drink in one long drink and Charlie is grinning at me like I've given him the world. "I could get used to this," he says and I almost choke. I try to imagine us together, like Alex and me except better because I actually like this guy. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>We stop by a bench and Charlie sits down next to me. Then he smiles. He's been doing a lot of smiling. When we look over from the bench, we see the outdoor ice skating rink and then Charlie starts telling me that he used to do a lot of ice skating when he was little. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You should try it," Charlie says and I shake my head. Probably would just trip and embarrass myself. "Seriously, you should. I could teach you."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Maybe," I say and Charlie then moves his arm to rest on the back of the bench. He shifts closer to me and then he studies my face carefully. "What?" I ask him and he just looks down at his hands and licks his lips. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Can I just be honest with you? I can, can't I?" He's not really the asking for permission kind of guy, if he wants something then he just takes it. "I like you, you… you're… I don't know what you are. But I like you."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I stare at him. Does he mean what he's saying? "Like as in…?" I really don't know how these gay guys do it, they take one look at you and know if you're gay or not even before you do. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He raises an eyebrow. "Do I have to spell it out for you?" He asks and I bite my lip as I consider what this could mean. Me and Charlie? He seems nice enough, right? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Oh shit, you don't have like…. A boyfriend or anything?" he asks me and he slowly moves down the bench away from me. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"No,  I don't have anyone," I say and I hate that the first thing I thought about was Winston. Winston. Winston is here. He's just walking up the path towards us with his fancy coat and scarf and messily perfect hair. He hasn't seen us yet. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"That's my roommate," I find myself saying and Charlie is looking at him too now. Except he's not smiling anymore and he glances at me and then back at Winston. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"He seems nice," he comments. Both of us staring at him must have gotten his attention because he looks around and then he spots us. He spots me and he grins. Then he spots Charlie and he stops grinning before walking over to us. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Hey, fancy bumping into you here," he says and then he looks me up and down. "Nice scarf." We smile at each other and only stop when Charlie clears his throat. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"We were just thinking about going ice skating," Charlie says and he slowly stands up. We were? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Great, sounds like fun," Winston says and I don't think Charlie was inviting him along but suddenly the idea of ice skating sounds way more fun with him around.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Once we walk over to the small building to rent out the ice skates, Charlie is grinning again and he keeps telling me all this stuff about how every year he looked forward to winter just for the ice rinks. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You could just go to an indoor one during the summer," Winston says. He's sat on a bench trying to put his skates on and it looks like he's struggling.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Oh, you're supposed to like-" Charlie says trying to demonstrate as he sits down next to him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I got it, I got it," Winston says with a smile on his face but then he moves away from Charlie and rolls his eyes. What is going on between these two? Do they know each other? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I watch as they put their skates on and I'm having difficulty putting mine on. I'm starting to regret this whole idea. Charlie hasn’t said a word since our conversation at the bench and I haven’t either although I haven’t stopped thinking about it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Once we're onto the rink, I regret it even more. Winston shows off straight away, skating like a professional while I stay clutching onto the railing with Charlie by my side. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I hate this so much," I mumble and Charlie just laughs at me. It's easy for them, they had practice. I'm completely new to this. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You'll be fine, just hold onto me tight," he says and then he starts pulling me away from the railing. Hold onto </span>
  <em>
    <span>him?</span>
  </em>
  <span> He's gotta be kidding. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"What-what are you doing? No. No, stop. Leave it." I try to protest. The railing is much more stable, easier to hold onto, I'm gonna fall if I'm not holding onto the railing. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But Charlie is dragging me away, straight to the middle of the ice rink where he links our arms and tells me to trust him. I've got no other option. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"See? Easy," he says while I'm shitting my pants. The kids here are more stable than me while I'm clutching onto Charlie like my life depends for it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After a while of nagging, he finally gives it and takes me back to the railing where I can safely stay and do nothing. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I'll… get us a table?" Charlie offers pointing to the cafe nearby. He doesn't even ask, he just goes along with it. I didn't even know we were gonna go to a cafe until now. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Er, sure," I say. If I said no then Charlie would probably pretend that he didn't hear me. He disappears after flashing his signature grin at me and I try to stay out of the way of the people actually trying here. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Oops, sorry. Rookie mistake," Winston says and he collides into me. Actually just kind of bumps into me and holds onto both my arms. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You okay?" I ask him and he doesn't let go of me. He nods, smiles at me and then slowly loosens his grip. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"All good now," he says and then he stands next to me by the railing as we look onto the many people ice skating. I wonder how stupid I looked compared to them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Don't think this is my thing," I say to him and he chuckles. He brushes some hair away from his face and smiles to himself.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You don't say," he says and then he nudges me. "Charlie not good enough of a teacher?" Maybe he's joking, but he sounds annoyed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Is there something going on between you guys?" I ask him and his brow furrows. "I don't know, you seem kinda... " They’ve been acting cold towards each other all day and I’m trying to work out why.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Nah, just don't know him very well. You know?" Winston says looking away and then he clears his throat. Okay, so maybe they don't know each other. Overthinking seems to be what I do now. "Listen, do you wanna maybe grab a coffee somewhere? Or like food? There's a cafe-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I kinda already have plans with Charlie," I tell him. Not solid ones, I could probably leave with Winston and then tell Charlie that I forgot the next time I see him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Winston's face drops and he raises his eyebrows. "Oh. Okay."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You could come with us," I suggest. Seems to be the best option out of all of them, hanging out with both of them so no one feels left out and they could get to know each other. Maybe Winston won't be so stingy towards him then. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But he pulls a face just at the sound of the idea. "Yeah… I actually have some work to catch up on," he says and he looks down. He's not even trying to come up with a believable excuse. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I feel like finding out what's up with him. "Oh. Maybe-" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I should get going," he interrupts me. He doesn't even let me speak, he just skates away from me. Now how do I get out of here by myself? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>***</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Charlie came up with about 50 different diversions, anything to spend more time with me. First, he bought me lunch, then he wanted to check out a gallery close by, wanted to go shopping and then we got food again. The guy is exhausting to be around, says 50 words per second. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I've never been this glad to come back to my room. I open the door and Winston is inside. He's sat on the floor with the puzzle pieces at his feet. The puzzle is almost finished. He's done it all by himself. I thought he said he had work to do.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Hey," I say and he won't even look at me as he mutters it back. I take off the scarf that I borrowed and I hang it on the hanger. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He's putting the pieces together, resting his chin on his knee. I wonder how long he's been working on this. Like he said, he doesn't have many friends but I hate to think that he's been sat here all day while I was out with Charlie. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I sit down opposite him like I usually do and I try to help out, I lean forward and take a puzzle out of a small pile. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Don't touch that," Winston says without taking his eyes off the puzzle. "I kind of have a system here." He's acting weird, his voice is all different and he won't even look at me. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Did I do something wrong?" I ask and I put the puzzle piece back where it was. "Apart from touching the puzzle."  I see the ghost of a smile on his face and then it's gone. Just like that. Now I know I fucked up somehow because when we fight we use the silent treatment. Or at least I do, he might have picked up a thing or two. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"No," he says shortly and then he attaches another piece to the puzzle. He wants to do it by himself for some reason, weren't we supposed to be doing this together? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Okay. Then why are you doing the puzzle by yourself?" I ask him and I raise an eyebrow. He</span>
  <em>
    <span> still</span>
  </em>
  <span> doesn't look up. Stubborn.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Well someone's gotta finish it," he says and he sorts through a pile of pieces. "And you were busy with Charlie so…" Is he really this serious about the puzzle? I thought it was just something stupid for us to bond over. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"So?" I ask. Why can’t he just tell me what the problem is instead of acting like a child? "Winston, if I did something wrong-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You didn't do anything wrong, okay? </span>
  <em>
    <span>You</span>
  </em>
  <span> didn't," he says and then he finally looks up, throws his head back and leans back against the bed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"What are you talking about?" I ask and scoot closer to him. He's honestly starting to scare me. If </span>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span>haven’t done anything wrong then who?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He slowly sits up to look at me properly. He stares at me for a couple of seconds then blinks and looks away. He's got to talk to me if he wants me to fix it. This. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Talk to me," I encourage him and I put my hand on my knee. Winston follows my hand with his eyes and he sighs loudly. We're friends, we shouldn't have to pretend around each other.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I just thought puzzles were supposed to be our thing. But we don't even </span>
  <em>
    <span>have</span>
  </em>
  <span> a thing anymore," he says quietly without taking his eyes off me. He continues before I can interrupt. "And first we had the movies, but then you started going with Alex instead. And now you hang out with Charlie all the time and-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Woah, okay," I interrupt him. I didn't know it was such a big deal, us having our own 'thing'. I've only hung out with Charlie a few times, he's acting like- He can't be jealous? Can he? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I study him carefully, how he's looking at me nervously, biting his lip and tapping his fingers against his thigh. Why does he look so… unsure of himself? If I didn't know better, I'd say he's jealous of Charlie. It would explain why he was acting so weird around him earlier. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"What?" he asks when I stare at him for a second too long. I blink several times trying to think of something to say and he looks away. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Just tell me what's going on," I say. I don't wanna jump to conclusions, blurt something stupid out and ruin everything. I won't do that. It's his move. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Okay…" he says slowly and he swallows. He picks up a puzzle piece and then he traces the edges with his finger over and over again. He looks at me and then laughs nervously. “Remember when I told you that I liked Alex?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I nod. Should have known it was something like that, don’t know what I expected. He probably wants me to talk to Alex for him, or worse, maybe Alex isn’t over me yet and now I’m in the way. I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t glad.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah…” Winston says and then he starts to twirl a strand of hair around his finger. He’s acting so weird for some reason. And it turns even weirder when he continues. “I lied. I don’t like Alex,” he tells me and my eyebrows raise involuntarily.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He lied about liking Alex? Never in my life have I felt so relieved and so confused at the same time. “Why?” I ask him and he sighs softly. I can’t think of any reason. Did he just want attention? Maybe he was looking for a rebound after Benny?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Because I like you,” he mumbles and he turns away from me to look in the direction of the bathroom.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?” I'm not sure if I heard him properly, there's no way he said what I think he said. But when I look at him, his cheeks are flushed red and I just sit there and stare. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I'm sorry, I know this is weird. I really shouldn't have said that" he says and he shakes his head like he's annoyed with himself. "I know we're friends and now I'm ruining it but I just really like you and we can pretend this never-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I lean forward, making sure not to touch the puzzle and he stops mid-sentence. Before I know it, both his hands are on either side of my face, he pulls me in and he presses his lips to mine. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He kisses me hard, noses touching and I can hardly breathe but I kiss him back. As many times as I've imagined or dreamed about this happening, it doesn't compare to the real thing in the slightest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>All I can focus on is how smooth and soft his lips feel, how warm it is to kiss him. He holds onto me, kissing me and instead of going fast, he goes slow barely even moving his lips. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He finally loosens his grip on me, pulling away and resting his forehead against mine. It's embarrassing how quickly I've gotten hard, one long slow kiss was all it took. I've never felt anything like it before. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I don't want to pretend," I whisper and he smiles at me. I've been pretending for a long time, first that I liked girls and then that Winston and I could be friends without wanting anything more. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Good," he whispers back and the giant grin plastered on his face is making me smile too. Never knew I could make him smile like this. I bet Benny never could. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I still don't understand one thing," I say and I gently pry myself away from him. I need to get away from him before I embarrass myself, I don't remember anyone being able to get me this hard. He won't let go of me though. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wraps his arms around my neck and pulls me back in. "Yes?" he asks with a stupid grin on his face and then he kisses me lightly. Okay, I could really get used to</span>
  <em>
    <span> this.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Charlie is a distant memory now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Why did you tell me you liked Alex?" I ask him and I tilt my head. He doesn't know how that shit threw me off, I couldn't stop thinking about it and why out of all people he chose to like Alex. What did Alex have that I didn't? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Winston throws his head back and sighs. "Not my proudest moment, I'll admit," he says and he presses his lips in a thin line. "I was gonna tell you before… But I chickened out and Alex's name was the first one that popped into my head," he explains to me and while he's doing it, he slowly strokes my hair, playing with it, styling it and messing it up again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I thought I’s hate it, someone touching me like this. But turns out I just haven't been touched by the right person. Because the way he's touching me, I don't want him to stop. Ever. The way he's looking at me, it makes me think I'm worth looking at. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"So does this mean… That you like me back?" he asks now moving on to fiddling around with my flannel collar. He keeps smiling shyly and touching me, small quick touches that are enough to get my heart racing. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"No… Actually, I think I like Alex," I tease him. He doesn't even know what he put me through. He has no idea but I don't want him to know. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah okay, I deserved that," he says and rolls his eyes. Then it gets to the weird part because we can't exactly stay on the floor like that. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I peel myself away from him, stand up and so does he, moving to sit on his bed. "So…?" It's still the middle of the day or something, late afternoon so it's not like we're just gonna go to sleep. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Winston smiles at me, looking up at me with wide eyes. I slowly sit down on my own bed, facing him but at the same time being a safe distance away from him. Is it visible? Bet he saw it already. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"So do you wanna have a date?" Winston suggests. That’s how easy it is, if I had known I would have told him weeks ago. It would have saved me a lot of trouble.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A date?” I ask him. Where do we go? What do we do? Do I have to pay? This is more stressful than I thought it would be.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A date,” Winston says with a smile and then he glances down at the floor. “A puzzle date. I’d like to finish it today. You wanna help?” He sits back down on the floor, crosses his legs and then picks up a piece. Is it really as simple as this? Puzzle dates… How did this turn from being the most complicated thing I’ve ever experienced to simple puzzle dates? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sure,” I say with a grin and I sit opposite him. Slowly, my dick goes soft when I focus on the puzzle instead of Winston. He’s within my reach and he likes </span>
  <em>
    <span>me.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Not Alex or Benny or anyone else. Me. I’m still kind of waiting to hear the alarm, wake up from this dream and go back to the real world where Winston only sees us as friends.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But this is the real world. Winston keeps reminding me of it when he stops in the middle of a sentence just to smile at me. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Winston lets me deal with the easier pieces while he tries to match patterns together, they all look the same to me so I don’t even offer to help out. “No, that one goes there,” he says when I struggle with placing a piece down. We are so not gonna finish it today, it’s already getting dark and we’ve only gotten through like half of the pile. Not even half, it’s getting harder and harder. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>We get distracted and we start messing about, laughing and making jokes about nothing in particular. I’m not really used to just touching someone, especially Winston but he keeps leaning forward and touching my knee lightly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you wanna… Finish this tomorrow?” Winston suggests and he clears his throat. He rests his chin on his knee and smiles nervously.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah okay,” I say and I look down at the puzzle. Winston helps me to move it out of the way, under his desk to make sure it doesn’t get damaged by anything, we’ve been working on it for way too long.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Once we’re done with that, Winston stands behind me and my whole body goes stiff, I just need to relax or I’ll scare him off. Can I be in a room with him without freaking out? I don't think so. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I… I actually need to study for a test," I say even though I don't. I need to see Scott before I lose my mind and do something stupid. Winston looks at me like he doesn't understand what I'm trying to say, maybe he just doesn't believe me. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I'm going to the library. Yeah. I'm going to the library," I say in a rush and then I go to grab my jacket from the hanger. Winston is still looking at me, wondering if he's done something wrong. But I just smile at him and walk out the door. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Superheroes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>sorry firthelong pause, i just wasnt in the moddto writesowk anymore but now i am<br/>and thank you to wontyau on instagram for beta reading this chapter</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter Sixteen</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>"Didn't I tell you to go home last night," Scott asks and I keep my eyes shut. I ended up sleeping on his couch again and he stands over me, I can feel him staring at me. "I'm speaking to you, idiot," he continues and then I get a light slap on my left cheek.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ouch," I mutter. At least Melanie or Scott were kind enough to throw a blanket over me. Scott told me to stop being an idiot and he tried to kick me out but I stayed and I slept over. It was too overwhelming, I couldn't go back to Winston or I'd seriously have a heart attack.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you still here?” Scott asks me and he groans. Can he at least give me a second to sit up before he starts slapping me again? I sit up, still holding onto the blanket and Scott sits down next to me. “So? Why didn’t you go back to Winston?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know man… I’m worried,” I admit and then I have to try my best to explain it to Scott. “I’ve never been in a relationship and I like Winston but… What if we aren’t meant to be dating? We’re good as friends but that’s pretty much it. And I don’t even know how this is supposed to work.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Scott puts his head in his hands and groans. "God, if you do this much talking he's gonna break up with you before you even start dating." Is that supposed to be comforting? "You need to do less talking and more doing." Scott concludes and then he pats my arm. "Come on, I'm walking you back to your boyfriend. I don't trust you enough to go there by yourself."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And he does just that. After I get cleaned up and dressed, Scott leaves the apartment with me. However we don't stop to eat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm hungry," I whine to Scott and he raises an eyebrow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Shitty way of saying 'I'm scared to talk to Winston'," Scott says and then he puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me closer to him. I feel like I'm being caged to make sure I don't run away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>By the time we get to my dorm, I could eat a whole bakery and still be hungry. Scott stops outside the door and he makes me face him by putting his hands on my shoulders. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Listen," he says and he brushes some imaginary dust off my shoulder. "You are gonna go in there and you are gonna tell Winston how you feel. And don't… don't do that shit where you start overthinking or the poor boy is gonna get insecure."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I roll my eyes at him. As if I could do that. "Yeah, yeah. Can you go now?" I ask and Scott grins. His hands drop away from my shoulders.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Go in. I'll wait here until I know you can't run away," he says with a raise of his eyebrows. I sigh but I know that he's… right in a way? I am terrified of getting in there and talking to Winston. I left him last night, right after I kissed him and he looked so confused. What if he's pissed at me? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Go in," Scott adds and then he steps back. So I open the door as quietly as I can. I take a deep breath in before stepping inside. I close the door behind me and I keep my eyes fixed on him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He's sleeping. His face is turned away from me but I see his hair all messed up, his shirt is crumbled and he's hugging his pillow. I'm so focused on him that when I walk further into the room, I trip over a belt that's hanging out of my closet. I don't fall but in order to stay upright, I grab onto the closet and make a thud with my feet as they make contact with the ground. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hmm?" First he looks around sleepily and then he brushes his hair away from his face. Winston notices me and he freezes. He looks… so so good. I almost forgot why he made me so nervous.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey," I say. It's good to keep it casual and speak before the silence turns awkward. I don't want it to be awkward or one of us will walk out again. Probably me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey," he says, his voice is deep and then he swallows and looks around the room to see that it's morning. "I, uh, I tried staying up for you last night. Must have dozed off. What time did you come in?" So he doesn't know that I only just got in. He stayed up for me? I imagine him sitting here, wondering what he's done to make me run away and I feel a pang in my chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You'd be pulling an all-nighter if you waited for me," I say with a small chuckle. Winston blinks and then he drops his gaze to the duvet that’s keeping him warm.</span>
  <em>
    <span> I</span>
  </em>
  <span> should have been keeping him warm last night. "I stayed with a friend."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Charlie?" he asks immediately and he's frowning. So that's what he was worried about.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Scott. You remember him, right?" Winston nods slowly but he still looks unsure. He sits up properly and I take a few steps forward to my bed which was unslept in. Slowly, I sit down on the edge. "I just needed some advice from him." Winston nods again. And then he starts chewing at his bottom lip. Scott was right, I did make him worry by staying at his place. I shouldn't have. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Winston. I… I just want you to know that… I like you. That's not what that was about last night. I really like you," I say and he smiles unsurely like he's not sure what to make of this speech yet. Scott told me not to talk too much and here I am. "But I don't know how this is supposed to work. I've never… had anyone who liked me back so." In other words, he's probably had ten boyfriends before me while I've never even been on a date before. Alex doesn't count.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Winston pauses for a second and then he pulls the covers back. He's wearing a light blue shirt and black shorts and he walks right over to sit next to me. He leaves some space between us like he's still uncertain about how this works. That makes both of us. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're overcomplicating it," Winston says with a small smile and he shakes his head at me. "What I see is that I like you, you like me. And… people who like each other go on dates, right?" He moves closer to me, keeping eye contact and I feel my pulse quicken. I try to reply but it comes out as a stutter. He makes me so damn nervous. And then if that wasn't enough, my stomach rumbles.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Great! You're hungry, I'm hungry and people who are hungry eat. So we can eat together," Winston continues and I laugh at how easy it is for him. He makes this sound so simple and I like simple. I think about the days when he dated Benny, when he got hurt and he had to sneak around and… it wasn't easy. I wonder if I have to worry about Benny. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Winston says to give him a few minutes to shower and he says that I should order. We're eating in because we're comfortable here. I like this room, it's like a place just for us. It is. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I'm not sure what to order but everyone loves McDonald's, right? And I know what Winston usually orders so I order the same for both of us. It takes ages for the food to arrive which is great as Winston takes hours in the shower. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I've got the food all set out on the space between our beds because… that's where we usually eat? Or is this weird because we're eating on the floor? Fuck fuck fuck. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Should I get some napkins?" Winston asks. I look up and he stands in the bathroom doorway with damp hair. He doesn’t look phased knowing that we’ll be eating on the floor. Maybe that’s just our thing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He steps past me, his hand briefly brushes against my back and he disappears into the kitchen. It’s okay, I don’t need to stress about it. He likes me. He said he does. I check if my hair looks decent in my phone reflection and then Winston comes back with tissues. “We don’t have napkins but tissues should work, right?” he asks as he sits down opposite me and places the box of tissues between us. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, it's fine," I say and then I reach for my plate. Eating McDonald’s on a plate. That's a new one. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And we eat in silence. My chest feels heavy and I feel like he's watching me even though we're both looking away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"This is kinda awkward right?" I say. Winston looks up, licks his lips and shrugs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's not…" He says and then he smiles. "Just a little. Yeah." He puts his food down, wipes his hands with a tissue and pushes some hair behind his ear. "It's just that this is new to me. I don't know how this is supposed to work either."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I raise an eyebrow. "You've had boyfriends before," I point out. It isn't </span>
  <em>
    <span>new</span>
  </em>
  <span> to him, he has experience and I don't. I thought he was gonna make this easier for me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah but… this is different," he says with a shrug and his cheeks turn pink. "Don't ask how, I don't know. I just know that it feels different." Different. Okay, I'll take that to mean it's good. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I'm not sure what to say. I pick up my food, stuff my mouth with fries and I look down at the floor. Maybe one of us should say something but my heart is pounding so hard that I can't think. I can't even form a proper sentence. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Okay." Winston sighs. I look up and he pushes his plate to the side and shifts closer to me. I tense up but Winston doesn't seem to notice, he sits in front of me and puts one hand on my knee. I swallow. Winston smiles. "Who's your favourite superhero?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He repeats the question and then clears his throat. “If we’re gonna get to know each other then we may at least start somewhere. So?” And this is the question he chooses to ask.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I think about it for a few seconds. “Don't have one,” I answer. It’s not like I’ve ever been obsessed with superheroes. My superheroes were football players and I doubt he’d understand. “What’s yours?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hesitates. It’s not a big deal, just a dumb question. “Superman.” Winston says and then he looks down shyly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, I get it.” I say and he looks up. I grin. “The hair. Trying to replicate his hairstyle?” He pushes my knee and laughs. Don’t think about his hand, don’t think about his hand, don’t think-.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shut up, I had a crush on him when I was little,” he says and shakes his head. His hand reaches for the can of coke so I no longer have to worry about it. Winston takes a sip of his drink. “And I had all those posters and action figures… My parents must have thought there was no way I was gay but I only liked him because he was pretty.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But they were okay with it when they found out? Your parents?” I ask, nibbling at my bottom lip. Winston nods. I haven’t talked to my parents in months and I can’t imagine ever telling them that I like a </span>
  <em>
    <span>boy. </span>
  </em>
  <span>They’ll probably never find out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean my dad was a little shocked,” Winston elaborates and he scratches his neck. “But he got round to it. Just… learned to accept it I guess.” So maybe his life isn’t so perfect after all either. And I need to stop comparing myself to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you still hungry?” I ask after a long pause. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shakes his head. “No but I don’t really wanna do the dishes either…” Winston looks around the room. “I was thinking that maybe we could go out and do something… Like just the two of us?” It’s almost like he think he needs to say that in case I invite someone else along. Like I’ve done before with Charlie or with Alex.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But I’m not really in the mood to go out. So I could say yes but then… I wouldn’t really be into it and I’d probably ruin it. “I was kinda… hoping we could stay in today?” I look at him, he breaks out in a smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure. That’s okay,” Winston tells me and then he tucks his knees into his chest. “But we have a whole day to ourselves so what do you want to do?” I wish I could say that I have plans but I don’t. And Winston comes to the rescue. “Have you ever tried painting?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They’re watercolours, Monty. They’re supposed to look like that,” Winston tries to explain to me. But they just look so… pale. No matter how much water I use they still come out looking faint. I wonder if his painting looks like that too but I can’t see it. He’s sat on his own bed with his back to the wall and I’m opposite him. The paints and the cup of water are on my nightstand while the notepad rests in my lap. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I don’t even know what I’m painting yet. To be honest, I can’t really concentrate. We’ve been doing this for an hour and I’ve already thrown two paintings away out of frustration. We’ve been here for hours and I still haven’t had the courage to even try to kiss him. I thought the first time was hard but this is even worse. I don’t know if I should ask or just go for it or wait for him to say something.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But the more I focus on painting, the less I think about Winston. Some time later he clears his throat to let me know that he’s done with his painting. “Can I see yours?” he asks and I glance at what I’ve painted. Okay maybe this wasn’t my brightest idea.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Er, it’s not that good,” I say. It looks like a massive brown blob. I fucked it up. “Can I see your first?” And of course, his painting is a masterpiece. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He turns the notepad around and bites his lip. “What do you think?” It’s me. He painted me and it looks so fucking good. I think he made me look a hundred times more attractive. I’m sitting on the bed like I am now but I’ve got a hand in my hair and the paintbrush in my mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-Yeah. It’s good,” I say and I slowly put my notepad to the side hoping he doesn’t ask to see mine. “Really good.” And it is. Compared to mine-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So what did you…” Winston gestures to the notepad that I tried to put away not so subtly. I just shrug hoping he’ll forget about it. He doesn’t. He comes over to my bed and I hide the painting behind my back as best as I can. “Come on, I just wanna </span>
  <em>
    <span>see,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Winston laughs and he tries reaching around me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No you don’t. Trust me, I’m doing you a favour,” I try to convince him. But he’s persistent. “I’ll show you if you promise not to laugh.” Only because he kept on touching my shoulder and my sides and I… I couldn’t keep doing it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I promise.” I watch his expression carefully as I turn it around and show him the painting. His eyebrows twitch and then he presses his lips together. I watch as he tries so hard to not even smile. He even bows his head to hide his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's really good, right?" I say and Winston snorts. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, yeah. Amazing." He slowly looks up and pinches his nose. Then he looks at the painting again and he grins. "It's a really nice… horse?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Dog," I correct him and he bursts out laughing. There we go. He takes it from me and inspects it closely. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"A dog. Right, I see it now," he says and then he slowly puts the notepad on his own bed. I take a deep breath in as Winston turns around to face me and then he looks me up and down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I try to say something but no sound comes out. Not a word as he walks towards me and then sits down next to me. "So we've still got plenty of time. Any more plans?" he asks as he moves up the bed and sits so that we're shoulder to shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Any more plans? I have a lot of things I wanna do with him. To him. Though I can't tell him. "We could… I have no idea." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We could… do this." He moves back and glances at my lips. So maybe I'm not the only one who's been thinking about it this whole time. I tell myself to breathe and not think about it as Scott recommended. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So I lean in. Winston does too and he puts his hand on my shoulder. It's just his hand. It's nothing. And I know I'm gonna overthink it so I kiss him before I can get the chance to stress about it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His lips are even softer than I remember. I touch his cheek with my hand, let my thumb caress his cheekbone. I could let myself get sucked into it but I don’t wanna risk anything. We have all the time in the world. So I pull back and I gently touch his lips with my fingertips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Winston looks at me with wide eyes and the second that my fingers are no longer touching his lips, he smiles nervously. He’s experienced with this, I know that. Which only makes me not want to rush this even more because I don’t wanna fuck it up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We'll just do whatever you want to do," Winston says letting me know that there’s no rush from him either. He can wait for me to want this. And I want this but I also want us to get to know each other better.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Right now… I think I wanna watch the superman movie with you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey, Monty?" I gradually open my eyes. Winston stands next to my bed smiling. His smile reminds me of last night, how one Superman movie turned into seven. We only managed to get through four of them. It only took so long because Winston was being distracting by stopping the movie and explaining every single reference to me. Nerd. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey," I say, once again glancing at what he's wearing. He's fully dressed at seven in the morning. Like he's going somewhere. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm going to meet up with a friend," he explains. And I thought he might have wanted to go out with me. Nevermind, I could use some extra sleep after last night. "Just wanted to let you know so you didn't think I walked out on you or anything."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He smiles at me and I give him a small nod. I don't think I would have worried too much if I woke up and his bed was empty. He said he likes me and I believe him. Though we slept in separate beds because that’s what we decided to do.. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Thanks," I answer and then I push my hair away from my forehead. Winston is still waiting. He plays with the hem of his crop top and bites his lip nervously. "What?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I... " He looks down at his shoes then takes a step forward. "Just wanted to say bye." Just wanted to say bye… why does that sound familiar? I know why. I stretch my arms out and Winston's happy to go along with it and hug me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"When are you gonna be back?" I ask as my hand sneaks down to caress his lower back. He squirms until he's laying comfortably on top of me with our legs intertwined. And this is okay. I could get used to it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Now you're making me wish I didn't make plans," Winston says with a small chuckle. "But I'll be back soon. And if you're not busy… we could hang out?" I should probably get started on my assignments… </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I might have time," I say and then I tighten my grip around him. He squirms again until I put my head on his shoulder. Then Winston stills. "You sure you're not gonna be cold in this?" I ask while I smooth over the material of his shirt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm not going outside," he says simply and after a few seconds, I let him go. He's probably just going to someone's dorm. He gets off the bed, brushes himself down and flattens down his hair. "How do I look?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I should be able to answer like a normal person but I can't. Can I tell him that he looks good or is that… too weird? Winston waits for an answer so I shrug. "Good, uh, yeah." And that makes him smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“See you in a few hours…” I watch Winston sort his jean jacket out in the mirror, straighten out his collar and then he leaves after giving me another small smile. I miss him already.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you for reading, ill try to update as frequently as i can now</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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